everybody loves a redhead

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of

so, i did it. i made the bold move. i dyed my hair. for the first time, in my entire life. i was nervous. but, now, it's liberating. let's hope the beloved boy shares my sentiments. i'm going to assume a big fat no on that one. but, let's hold our breath and keep our fingers crossed.

lately, i feel out of words. hence the lack of blogging, and the lack of everything. it's like, bam, all of a sudden real life happened and im forced to go with it. why why why. ugh ugh ugh.

you know what? i wish i was funny. i wish i could turn this blog that is depressing full or random repitition, into a humorous hilarious blog. like the many that exist. sigh. i wish i could have SOME sort of talent when it comes to that. rather than the talent of writing about depressing things, and just analyzing every thought that ive ever had. that's a pretty worthwhile talent if you ask me. yay!

you know what else? i wish i was confident. about everything that i do. my looks, my life, my everythings. i feel as tho this impromptu mini make-over will help. i just hope it's a lasting effect, and not temporary. maybe i'll go shopping and buy a new outfit. not that the new hair, and new coach purse wasn't enough. :p but that's besides the point. humor and confidence. two things i wish upon a star for. or, i wish for when i feel the absence of them.

but for now, i'm looking through a new set of eyes. with a new head of hair.

think before you speak

i don't know what's right and what's real anymore

is there only one right and wrong answer to every situation? can there be exceptions? how many different ways do you have to analyze something before you convince yourself that the solution you have come to may not be the "right" one, but one you can tell yourself you are okay with.

or is it the right one? because it's the one you chose? can that alone make it the right one? okay, hypocritical here with the constant analyzing. so, i'm done.

but honestly, sometimes i just need to sit back and THINK a little before i react to something. even though i think the initial reaction most times, is the REAL one, because it is the first though that comes to mind. but, in some situations, maybe that first reaction and thought process isn't the one that should be.... shared at that moment. at least, to a certain vocal extent.

basically it boils down to as much as i would like to steer clear of analyzing things, and claim that i dont, it's inevitable, i do. it's like im programmed to function that way. but it really isn't about me. indirectly, obviously, since its my blog and, obviously i write what is on my mind. it's about me and my reactions. my responses. my... action to the situations i am put it. I need to learn when to be passive, and when to be aggressive.

starting now.

pause.

Close your eyes not your mind. Let me into your soul



wowowow. i feel like i took a short detour to my life last week. tho, not my choice. 
being sick is never fun. tho, i almost think it was good for me... so i could subconsciously let my mind
forget about the things that i am going to end up giving myself an ulcer over. because i dont have as
much control as i would like to believe.

being sick for 3 days allowed me to watch all my old school favorite daytime shows, full house, ER,
saved by the bell. I sorta felt like Zack Morris when he says "time out" and everything pauses until
after he addresses the camera, or his audience and, he has the control to say "time in" again.
strangely, i am rather calm about everything that could potentially be considered chaotic or rather big
steps or changes that will be happening in two weeks. which, to most, is no big deal. but as many of
you know... most minor things are major with me. and major things are earth shattering.

not saying im dramatic. or, have a false sense of reality, really. yah, perhaps i tend to avoid reality at
times... but it doesn't mean i am not aware of it. i just... well, you know. i'm me. that's really all
there is to it. :p

basically, despite the difference i may be feeling right now about things, i've learned that i may be able
to close my eyes.. for long periods of time to escape things. and, i may take more detours, (hopefully
more desirable ones, and not bedridden ones...) but in the end, when i wake up, everything will still
be here. i cant shut off my mind, my heart, my thoughts. even if i do push them aside for a while,
whether it is on purpose, or not. and, i'm okay with that.

and, can i just say, that i <3 adam lambert and his new song? soooo sexy. (don't make fun!) :D