milestones

the affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more

sometimes, it just hits you. and when it does, you totally don't expect it. in fact, sometimes you look forward to a situation, an outing, and when it turns out to be something you least expected... everything his the fan.

today marks a milestone, or, revelation, that i honestly was worried i would never have. well, parts of it. the oh-so-friendly feeling of loneliness i unfortunately am all too familiar with and is never easy to deal with. but i suppose i deserve it. maybe i deserve all of it. maybe, i've reached the point where i have to fully accept it. and move on.

i just don't know how. i don't know how to be okay with this, and how to fill these shoes. i wish i could make everyone happy. i wish i could make myself happy. it teases me. for seconds, minutes hours, even a day... i am happy and smiling for numerous reasons. but eventually it all comes crashing down, and the reasons that made me smile in the first place, turn out to be the reasons i frown and cry. the reasons that make me feel so lost and unsure of myself and everything that i fear is happening and has to happen, is. and that im losing myself entirely.

the taste of it lingers, the giddy feelings and thoughts are still hopeful. and yet the whole package is so close. but unreachable. . every time. the anticipation stays the same... maybe i'll get to feel that feeling sooner than let myself believe. maybe it's time i accept these milestones as the truth, and stop trying to live in the past

cliche

I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

tell me where i'm suppose to go when i get lost. who am i suppose to believe when i have no where to turn, no one to tell. no one to make things right. how do you react the hollow constant pit in your stomach that you know something will happen, and you have no control over the outcome.

"it will get better." "actions speak louder than words" "people care about you. it's not as bad as it seems. you will get through this" "It's not you, it's me"

these common phrases are used in so many situations, that one cannot decipher when there is truth behind their meaning. But what do you do when there is no other way to say exactly what you mean... other than to turn to the cliche? what if you life depended on it? how do you make a cliche' anything but?

here's my logic. one can argue. but this is what i believe. one cliche, if you will, i live my life by.

You are the owner of your own actions. you are responsible for your life and what you do with it. you get one shot. one shot at forming a relationship. and one shot at destroying it. after that one shot has been taken, it takes a hell of a lot more power and determination to try again. and get the reaction you hope for.

No matter what your situations, you are free to be who you want to be. free your mind, and get through your trials and maintain the attitude that you get one shot at this. one shot to make something of yourself. one shot to appreciate the little things in life. one shot make a bold move and do something that you've never had the courage, or guts to do. there's more to life than the shit that you may find yourself in. it's one day. one week. one month. out of a lifetime. a lifetime, that i wouldn't want to fuck with. because i'm telling you this. all cliche's aside, you'll never get anywhere if you don't try. don't give up on something, or someone before giving it that one shot.

daylight

Stay here, touching you, touching the light in your eyes that keeps coming back.

There are times in your life when you have to accept that you have done your best, even if your best doesn't seem good enough. even, when your best seems like your worst, because in the end, you have failed. or so it seems. but in reality, you haven't failed, only succeeded to do everything in your willpower in hopes for a different outcome.

Darkness enfolds and you make choices that effect you every single day. in the end, it's always your choice to open your eyes and see the daylight each morning. No matter how much someone tries to convince you otherwise, the choice is always in your hands.

Often times people don't see the longevity of the choices that they make. and, in the end you, the support system, are left trying to put together the pieces that stay behind, trying to make sense of it all. leading yourself to believe that there was something else you could have done. even though you know deep down you exhausted all possibilities.

stay. please just stay and look beyond the bars and what you see as a dead end. because it's not. there's always a way to turn around and head back in the opposite direction. don't stop moving forward. don't stop coming back. keep arising to see the daylight.

ghosting

You're the one that appears in my dreams. And it appears you're just cleaning up the mess somebody else has left.

you haunt me. i wish i could say i hate it. part of me surely does. but part of me doesn't know how to live without it. part of me needs it in order to keep moving forward. why? i don't know. because the secrets will always live inside myself and no one else.

i like you. maybe, i'm just like you. though sometimes i feel as though i'm holding something that needs to be let go. what it is, i don't know. it's intangible, but a feeling of hope.

this hollow feeling never subsides even when i'm distracted from the thoughts and feelings, it's constantly looming over me. and then when something reminds me of it, and you, it comes crashing down with such impact, sometimes i don't know how to keep moving forward.

I come and go, as do you. i know it won't be any other way. you continue to show up when i least expect it, and disappear just as quickly. but, i've learned to hold on. perhaps there's a method to the madness as to why it happens when it does. you're there when i need you most. to help me through. every time, you appear out of thin air when i need you to. to clean up the mess someone else has made. to make me whole again.

new beginnings

Everyone's so focus clearly with such shine

let's take a minute to be real for a minute and reflect on a few things.

It's been awhile since i visited this lil diary/blog of mine. and, no one can argue that things have changed. the inevitable change that i sort of dreaded is here and gone. and you know what? i'm the exactly the same.

so therefore, a lot of my fears have been put to rest in that i haven't had to change who i am because of a status change. Though, it wasn't always that easy. At first i expected it, and perhaps, subconsciously let it happen because i figured i was facing my demise. but, after a little hurt feelings, and reality checks, i realized that my life and relationships do not have to change.

Despite my hesitations and stubbornness regarding new relationships, i have recently developed some new relationships.friendships with people, and i can't claim that it doesn't make me happy. New friends sometimes just fall into your life when you least expect it. and before you know it, it's natural to want to talk to them, to think about them, and just wonder what they are up to. sometimes, i just think things are meant to be when people enter your life when you least expect it.

Being focused on so many things in my life, it makes me realize that my fears and lack of interest in making new friends, and developing new relationships, would essentially be saying i need to give up on all my cherished friendships i have now. whereas it seems simple enough to understand that it isn't a replacement, but just adding fun people in my life. i was scared. i didn't want to lose those important people in my life, and i didn't want them to forget about me and think about me differently after i got married. but, i'm pretty confident 6 months later, that those who are real, aren't going to leave me.

so those of you, old and new, your presence and love, it keeps me shining.

Sigh no more

Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

impressions are left during moments that you wouldn't think twice about. Until you do. you think twice, and then three times, until three times becomes more times than you can count. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to realize that the meaning behind it is so much more than what it seems on the surface.

i don't take things for granted. at least, i tell myself i don't. perhaps that's why i like to relive so many key moments in my life. and what's funny, is the moments that i remember and cherish are often times so minimal, i would never imagine other people in those moments would remember them, let alone thing twice about them.

It's funny how certain situations can lead you down a path without even knowing it until you halt in your tracks and sit down and think about the situation. when the simplicity of something that seemed to have no relevance reveals to you that it actually had a much deeper meaning that what you ever would have expected.

These roads we travel down without a care in the world is a facade. whether you realize it or not, there's always a reason that we do the things we do, and feel the things we feel. Even if it means we can't uncover the true meaning without multiple turns, curves and road blocks. Eventually, things make sense. or at least, give you a direction. rather than just feeling like you are flailing in the wind with no one to turn to, no where to go.

Situations happen. people change their course, their direction multiple times. But those people who influence your life who you can count on, you will gravitate toward them. There's no knowing how long you'll be apart. or for how far. but when you least expect it, you'll find your way back to them. each and every time. they will guide you to a place that you may have forgotten about, or didn't know existed. often times, a place inside yourself. here, with these people as a support system inside and out, you are reminded you aren't alone and there's more to the life you're living. Every time, your confidence that your newfound beginning will put your feet back on solid ground and remind you of your compass. and which way you need to go in order to feel yourself again.