home for the holidays

did i ask you for attention, affection's what i need


so, no matter how old you get, and no matter where you go in life, i honestly believe that some things will never change. your life can be 20 million times different than it was when you were a child, but, this time of year, i honestly think that everyone returns to their former selves. in one way or another.

Christmas time is a bittersweet time for me. i've never been a huge holiday gal, i mean, yah, when i was a kid i set out cookies for santa, and, peeked my eyes open all night long hoping to find a glimpse of him checking on me whilst i was sleeping. but as i got older, the magicalness disappeared, and it just became... somewhat of a hassle. (scrooge, i know) dont get me wrong, i love buying presents for people and watching them open them. but, i sorta have a complex where i cant buy someone just one gift, there has to be at least 2. i am sorta OCD when it comes to gift giving. i will go nuts if there is only one thing in a box and it is from me.

but all that aside, it just.. seems to make me sad sometimes. which is silly, because its suppose to be a time of celebratiion and spending it with your loved ones. your friends from home come back, you go out and reminse about old times and part ways, only to see them again next year. But when you spend time with those people... and fall into your childhood routine... it's like you become that child again. an aspect of it, at least. the mouthing off to mom, the rolling of the eyes to dad, and the petty squabbles with your siblings. but, i suppose in a way, it's comforting. to know you can be that person without any sort of wall or filter. You get the attention that you may be lacking in your every day life from the people who care about you.

But sometimes, it's not enough. sometimes, over the holidays, is when you really reach out to your loved ones, for affection and understanding. and, when they fail to give you what you really need, when you feel as tho you place it blatantly in front of them... its hard not be satisfied. sometimes its hard to get back what you have lost over the years. sometimes it the holidays become the perfect time to remember the sad things, because it is a time you are suppose to be spending with people you love and care about, but for one reason or another, you can't. this is why the extra affection and caring from those people who love you now, currently, presently, in your life, is most important.

What do i want for christmas this year? to give the people i love that extra affection.

love/hate

the game we're playing is life. love is a two way dream

this weekend has let me know that i have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. let's break it down:

1. New living arrangements. im a girl who despises changes, and will pretty much do anything to avoid it. at least, anything major. but, if i can get beyond the hate, i could learn to love it. it's from, an optimists point of view, a fresh start. after all is said in done, i think we can award 1 point to love.

2. SNOW. i dont care what anyone says. i dont care how pretty it is. how christmas-y and holiday-ish it is... to me? it's a death trap. snow=slippery roads=bad drivers=rachel paranoia, anxiety leading to lots of zanax. 1 major hate point.

4. family. my family is amazing, really. my parents, i couldn't ask for any better ones. they helped me move, back and forth and stayed around as long as they could this weekend to help me transition, and get situated. clean apt. number 1, organize apartment number 2, and then drive all the way back to bay city. and, my sister and her boyfriend too. without them, i would have been one angry and stressed girl. definite lovah points.

4. Electronics. in particular, cell phones. i pretty much hate the whole concept and monopoly of the wireless service because they exist to fuck you over. and it sucks, because i am a sucker for the technology. for communication. i want to be in the 21st century with the newest devices, well, just because i like it. dont judge! that being said, i guess i just have to deal with the endless amount of extra costs and stupid everythings. definite hate point.

5. there's one more additional love/hate relationships this weekend... but, for now, i am going to let the hate simmer and the love bloom and have that be that. for now.

The score? tied. but,im not a girl to hold grudges. and, i cannot stay mad at people... no matter how hard i want to. (in most cases) so, if i had to make a tie breaker, this gurl is a lova not a hater.