home for the holidays

did i ask you for attention, affection's what i need


so, no matter how old you get, and no matter where you go in life, i honestly believe that some things will never change. your life can be 20 million times different than it was when you were a child, but, this time of year, i honestly think that everyone returns to their former selves. in one way or another.

Christmas time is a bittersweet time for me. i've never been a huge holiday gal, i mean, yah, when i was a kid i set out cookies for santa, and, peeked my eyes open all night long hoping to find a glimpse of him checking on me whilst i was sleeping. but as i got older, the magicalness disappeared, and it just became... somewhat of a hassle. (scrooge, i know) dont get me wrong, i love buying presents for people and watching them open them. but, i sorta have a complex where i cant buy someone just one gift, there has to be at least 2. i am sorta OCD when it comes to gift giving. i will go nuts if there is only one thing in a box and it is from me.

but all that aside, it just.. seems to make me sad sometimes. which is silly, because its suppose to be a time of celebratiion and spending it with your loved ones. your friends from home come back, you go out and reminse about old times and part ways, only to see them again next year. But when you spend time with those people... and fall into your childhood routine... it's like you become that child again. an aspect of it, at least. the mouthing off to mom, the rolling of the eyes to dad, and the petty squabbles with your siblings. but, i suppose in a way, it's comforting. to know you can be that person without any sort of wall or filter. You get the attention that you may be lacking in your every day life from the people who care about you.

But sometimes, it's not enough. sometimes, over the holidays, is when you really reach out to your loved ones, for affection and understanding. and, when they fail to give you what you really need, when you feel as tho you place it blatantly in front of them... its hard not be satisfied. sometimes its hard to get back what you have lost over the years. sometimes it the holidays become the perfect time to remember the sad things, because it is a time you are suppose to be spending with people you love and care about, but for one reason or another, you can't. this is why the extra affection and caring from those people who love you now, currently, presently, in your life, is most important.

What do i want for christmas this year? to give the people i love that extra affection.