don't blink

And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find

The problem with wanting your independence is putting your guard down and letting someone in. the minute you let someone in you allow them to hurt you. by keeping them at arms reach, it's easier to move forward. to focus on you. to be you.

what happens when no matter what boundaries you put in place. no matter how clear the expectations are. that you crumble and find yourself falling so quickly its like you don't know if the parachute will open when you reach the bottom?

the fears of letting yourself open up. letting yourself fall. letting yourself feel. letting yourself be vulnerable and think about someone other than yourself is the most gratifying and scary feeling in the world.

what if it ends. what if it stops. there's no crystal ball. is it easier to just go through life on your own without the risk of hurting someone. of getting hurt. how do you just let yourself live in the moment when in the back of your head you're wondering if the high, the intoxication, the level of desire and wants and understanding will one day just stop? how do you let yourself depend on someone in those ways? without fear of them disappearing. or your feelings disappearing. how do you know. how to you keep it close. how do you hold on.

its happened. ive felt it. it makes me feel like i can't blink. because once i do, those moments will be forever gone and simply memories. 

how do i keep from letting it happen again?

Enabler

And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this...



I want to be a good person. More than anything I want people to be proud of me. I want to be thought of as a positive truly good person. I have good intentions. i never set out to maliciously harm anyone. hurt anyone. in fact, it's always completely the opposite. i go out of my way to be there for people.

the problem is in reality, i cannot fix anyone. i cannot change anyone's life story. nor should i want to. I cannot be in 12 different places at once. i cannot snuff out all the fires of everyone's lives. though i want to. tho i try. tho i'd give anything in my power to do so.
this mentality can get me in trouble. my efforts do not go unnoticed. for which i am grateful. but sometimes things can go to far. things can get messy. the waters can get muddy. and i don't know how to find solid ground. I just keep sinking in this quick sand that i have somehow created. 

it's true that i often times encourage these types of relationships. situations. i never mean to cause anyone any grief. or give anyone the wrong impression. but needless to say, it happens more times than not. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to be a good person. to want to help. to want to put myself out there to be a support system, without getting burned in the end. nice guys (girls) always finish last. 

I need to stop enabling these situations. it doesn't do anyone any good. the reality is that i cannot make other people happy all the time. and when i get too focused on making others happy, i lose myself. and in the end, the person i am trying to make happy... loses themselves too. and in the end, only ends up getting hurt because i will reach a point where i cannot do it anymore. and i'll walk away. and this hurts more than the initial pain they are feeling.

i found gratitude in getting out a long lasting situation such as this. someone elses happiness became more important than my own. and the tangled web continued until i was choking. I feel like i am making strides to getting out of that stickiness. but there are moments when i close my eyes and everything is still the same. different place. different people. same dilemmas. same problems. same potential crazy. and i'm the only common factor.

i don't know how to be anyone else but me. and that part of me is wrapped in to who i am. i feel like it makes me who i am. but there's a part of me that gives me a bad taste in my mouth. i dont know how to ditch the generosity. the caring part of who i am. and use it only for the good of people. and know when it turn it off. when it stops helping. 

i need to learn to walk away. 

A better version of me

Can't take a good day without a bad one. Don't feel just to smile until I've had one

Why is it that when something fabulous happens in your life, you're suddenly slammed with something equally as annoying from the opposite side of the spectrum? It's like happiness has a deadline. you can only feel it, experience it for a suggested amount of time before something rocks your world in a way that makes it hard to grasp on to those emotions that sent you on a happy high nearly 24 hours before.

Committing to doing what you want to do, what you need to do, and focusing on that without adhering to anyone else's opinions is much harder than it may seem. Finding your wisdom, your truth, your voice within yourself is such an epiphany. its like riding a wave and never having the tide fall through, because you've deemed yourself an expert within yourself. that never gets old. it's a fascinating feeling being confident in who you are, what you want, and where you are going. everyone should encourage everyone in their world to put down their walls and focus on themselves. even if it's just for a day. meditate, yoga, or just write. whatever you need to do for some of your own personal self discovery... it's a fascinating experience.

Like most experiences, they have an end. or a roadblock. or an intersection. And for those individuals who want the best of both worlds... independence and acceptance... it's a tricky exploration. you need to focus on yourself and by doing so, you need to establish a tough skin. people who you crave to be proud of you, to respect you, and encourage you... may have a difference of opinion about what you are doing in life. and it sucks, and can be very unnerving. but communicating and expressing such confidence that you strive day in and day out to maintain... can lead you in the direction that is healthy for you. You can't control the reactions of others. but you can control your response to their reactions.

Be a better version of yourself. every single day. with those words in mind, you can try to be an optimist in a pessimistic world. 

1000 miles

It's always times like these, When I think of you, And I wonder If you ever, think of me. 

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever reach the destination that which i am headed. is there a end? or is that just death. will there be that moment where i'll feel like forest gump when he says he is tired and is done running? will that happen when i just know that i can halt in my search for what i want out of life and accept what i have and enjoy and appreciate everything that is positive around me?

i hide from it. but i know i'm a romantic. i shelter myself from it, because i don't want to be vulnerable. its much easier to care of others and make it blatantly obvious so you can evade the elephant in the room, caring about yourself.  and acknowledging what you want and your desires. being strong and tough is important to independence. but putting of a shield and wearing a mask in order to protect yourself isnt really protection. it's avoidance. 

one thing i have learned about myself through these past couple nightmares of a year is my love language is very much affirmation. i NEED to be needed. and i NEED to be told i'm needed. I'm sure it goes back longggggg before i realized how things can impact you as an adult and the rest of your life. but i know for a fact that i feel the love most passionately is when someone tells me they love me. i matter. i'm important. it's ME that they want. 

which, in turn. creates the person i am. i crave being the person that my favorite people turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on. I am willing to travel 1000 miles plus to care for my friends/family if there is ever an emergency. i want to matter. and i'll always go above and beyond for the people who matter most in my world.

lately, i've been really putting myself out there in ways that i haven't before. i have to say im proud of myself for being selfish and thinking about me before the next person. but its extremely hard to not think about potential consequences. to not feel guilty about things. i dont know how to function that way. it's only with plenty of hesitation and internal encouragement that i can say fuck it, and just do what i want, because i want it. and not care about anything else.

but it's mind boggling. and totally worth it. the emotions, the sheer exhileration of experiencing things you only ever dreamt about... maybe being selfish isn't such a bad thing after all. 

ribbons and bows

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist. Like it doesn't exist. I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry


my mistake was thinking that you could fix me. only i can fix me.  yet, i allow the failure to define me. i know it's only short term. the feeling won't last forever. but it will haunt me, and force me to bite my lip trying to keep the tears from falling. you're not worth my tears. no one is worth my tears.

no matter how perfect it may seem from the outside, tidy and cleaned up and packaged nicely with a ribbon tied in a bow to top it off--you have to unwrap it in order to see what's really inside. the packaging is pretty. the contents is what counts.

those moments when everything you strived for seem to have been for nothing can be earth shattering. they will slam you down and you'll sink further and further into the ground struggling to crawl your way up. until you lose the fight. and that moment, that hour, that day, you've lost.

but get back up. its up to you to win the next round. you can lose a battle. more than one. just commit to not losing the war.

Nirvana

In the lonely hour, I need you, I need you.

i have extinguished so much of my former self. shed the skin of the girl i was and desperately tried to be for everyone, including myself. fighting the fight, pushing through the hardships. struggling to meet expectations, not just everyone elses. but deep down, my own.

some days it's haunting the imperturbable stillness of my mind considering my state of being for over a year. the stress. physically, emotionally. But despite the struggles, the hurt... i have found myself on the other side. a better side.  a better me. 

The blissfulness of my own little world is a reality check for me sometimes. can i truly be satisfied as to who i am becoming all by myself? can i dare to say that i'm happy at the person that i'm becoming, and the real me is finally shining through? Can other people see? or is it just so subtle that only I can see the difference. 

it doesnt take much. just a small slight of hand, a simple change in your every day life that can put you on a path where you can embrace who you are and who you want to be. 

that being said... there's always the lonely hour. those moments where you need. crave. want. the love, the comfort the something from someone. your vulnerability grows and is suddenly eating away at you. so much that it can tear away your insides. you don't just want. you NEED. 

as much as you  need to take this journey for yourself, to be true to who you are, don't put your blinders on so you can't see the people around you who will always always care about you. those people who would drop everything to do anything for you. never take for granted those who love you during the good times and the bad. just because you may have found a solid ground to move forward, don't forget about those who helped you pave the way.

inner circle

Cause I was built for you. Yes I was built to carry all your feelings.

people say that you need to find your complete self before you can be complete with someone else. if that's true, then why do you feel the need to constantly reach out to those who you love to be reassured you're taking the steps in the right direction?

i wish people could have more faith in one another. and their true intentions. i wish people could have more faith in themselves. and listen to their own feelings. before attempting to take on more than they can handle. before opening up their hearts when they're on unstable ground. and holding on to every word like it's gold. imaging a perfect world that you can create between the two of you.

until it comes crashing down and everything is in pieces floating around you, and you keep trying to grab them and make them fit. because you want to give them your secrets. your heart. 

how do you convince people that their secrets are safe with you. that it doesnt matter what has led them to where they are in their life at this moment. but that they can be vulnerable. and THAT. that vulnerability is what can make someone melt at your feet.

is it wrong to want,  to NEED to be that person that people immediately think to turn to when they are sad, or need something? why is it that knowing you can be there for someone else can give you such a sense of fulfillment? and then suddenly.... you wake up and you feel like you aren't that person anymore. 

Learning to be assertive. learning to maintain a healthy relationship. learning to put YOU first. to find you before you find happiness with someone else has got to be the hardest challenge a person is faced with. we are creatures whom need social interaction. it's incredibly easy to be swayed. to be encouraged. discouraged by others on the direction you want to head with almost any decision in your life. how to find that balance between confidence and your logical decisions and emotional decisions. the inner circle is small. but sweet. finding that sweet spot can be what makes you whole. and allow you hold the secrets of those you love. 

warrior

I miss the days my mind would just rest quiet

how can you be so certain. so positive. making plans quietly in your mind. imagining a life that seems so perfect. and within a blink of an eye. it's done and done. and your priorities change. your entire frame of mind changes. and your blinders have disappeared. and you want something entirely different.

do you really want it, tho? or are you just intrigued by the idea of it? will that curiosity ever go away? when can you just be satisfied with what you have and not always be searching for something more. something different. is that possible. 

sometimes you have to drop the baggage at the door. no matter how heavy, how hard it is to let go of some of your prized possessions. let it go and start over. without looking back. is it even possible to truly moved on from everything. and how big of a risk is it.

its always an endless cycle. same feelings. same emotions. same struggles. different people. different situations. always the same endings. there are times when i wish there was a switch. where i could just turn off my mind. and live quietly. and do just what feels good. feels right. and not have to worry about any games. any one else. how selfish can i be.... without pushing everyone away.

be strong. but always fight your fight. 

Demons

I held your heart, a giant wand; all tell of sorrow and history begins to be blue and brown eyes.

It's unnerving when something you're entirely excited about looking forward to falls through and your first response is relief. Shocking, actually. 

I tend to realize that often times the emotion you expect to feel in high intensity situations is not always the emotion that shines through. Which, is intimidating in itself. but, what i think you need to focus on is not what is expected, but what you truly feel. and take a step back. because you can think about something, analyze something in a million different ways, but the emotions will rock you in a way that no amount of preparation can.

Then it throws you for a loop with everything else that in currently happening in your world. making you question every single emotion, every single act that you take part of, wondering if what you think is going to happen, what you expect, is truly going to be forthcoming. I suppose that's part of the beauty of life. you never know what to expect.

until the demons creep out and haunt you every thought. the nagging that you want to push deeper and deeper just keeps clawing back at you. but the hardest part is your ears are open. you're listening. waiting. but for what? what is your answer? what do you do to not only tell yourself your confident in the direction your headed, but believe it, too?

often times i lean on what i know. my comfort. my history. my loves. because they remind me that i'm me. and i'm encouraged to hold my own and stand strong. the eyes and minds and dreams of my favorite people can comfort me in a way that encompasses me, ridding myself of any anxiety. But the history can sometimes just remain that. history. how do you know when history needs to remain history, and not continue to be dug up, time and time again-- creating even more of the unwelcome demons that you try so hard to fight off?

Find your happy.

Looked in my heart but my heart was empty. Looked to the ground but the road was long
And now I've found my new salvation. It's so new, the old one's young


Hi.
my name is rachel and i am a completely different person than i was when i started writing this blog back in 2009.

Well, maybe not completely. but. in many ways. i have shed the skin of the girl i was then. or at least, am in the process.  and have embraced the girl that i want to be. the girl that was hidden in the anonymity of many of the blog posts. the cries. the struggles. the hurt. the loneliness. 

its funny. one would think living on your own and stepping out into a world and essentially being born again would be the scariest, loneliness feeling in the world. for me? it's liberating. I'd much rather be alone by myself, rather than feel alone with someone 24/7. 

as i jump start this writing venture, i'm making myself accountable. to be a better me. to not get trapped like i did throughout my whole life. to be confident. strong. and tell those whom i care about how much i care about them. let them know how much i love them. and to fuck everyone else who doesn't give a shit. 

its a major challenge for me to put myself out there in a way that i hid behind in the past. but damn it, if there's one thing i've learned is that no one is going to live your life for you. So you might as well embrace it. live it. make mistakes. own up to who you are. dont be afraid to be who you are to others. and reach out to those who care. reach out to those who you can claim as your confidant. reach out and allow yourself to depend on those who love you unconditionally. because if it weren't for those people in your corner, you may not be able to finish the fight. 

i'll be in your corner. i'll root for you, and i'll encourage you, and i'll be your biggest cheerleader. if it means you're listening to yourself. and being honest. and living the life you want to live. Be your own salvation. Find your happy. 

x