it's all gonna break

I know that the sound of his heart is a god I can trust

what happens when the link that you think is so strong that keeps you connected to everything you know is going to break? your past, and even what you are struggling to consider your present? the solidification that you knew SO much about something. when you realize maybe you don't know as much as you think you do? when you sense it weakening. and the satisfaction you get underneath everything else isn't going to last much longer.

'm probably smarter than i let on. the things i know, the things i see the things that will always stay inside my head are most likely fascinating to many people. i can see through you.

everyone has a motive to why they do what they do. whether it is good, bad, or indifferent. it's there. somewhere. stronger at times, yes. disapears entirely? i don't think so. you want what you can't, and you can't because of fear.

i'm always going to come out on top of the games you play. because i never switch teams. the tricks are tricky, but i'm trickier. my trust is solid. and it is always his.

Repressed

Everything has been said before. There's nothing left to say anymore when it's all the same

i revisited my past yesterday. and by my past, i mean, months ago. it's crazy to think how much things can change within only a few months time. what makes me sad is that things slip through my fingers that i cannot control. and, what makes it worse, is i dont even realize it is happening. or has happened. then, it makes me sad. because i want to saviour the moments. and, a lot of times i dont realize they are worth saviouring until they are gone.

but as much as things change, somethings seem to stay the same. stagnate. why does it seem like the things that should change, are the ones that dont? and the things that do... are the things that i dont want to?

i really am falling into this. im living inside my head. more and more each day. my feelings/thoughts aren't legit. or, i feel like they aren't. i have no right to feel a certain way sometimes. and it annoys me that i do. i can only replay the thoughts and emotions so many times without sounding repetitive. so why even tallk anymore. there's no point in talking. not when it's the same story over and over again. only i can change the ending.

guess what.

i don't care anymore.

kthx.

mega dreamer. minor moments

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

in about 40 minutes, i am going to be a new person.
because it will be official, i will be the next mega millions winner.

fat chance, right? yeah. most likely. but, i like to dream that i can be.
and it is pretty sad how much a bunch of money could change my life.
but, i'm sure i'm not alone with that sentiment.

my favourite moment of the day is right before i fall asleep.
because i feel like i can control my dreams. it's like, that limbo
before you are actually are unconscious, but still awake
enough to know what is going on. and, it's different than just getting
lost in your own thoughts. because daydreaming just doesn't do justice
to the REAL dreams. but, it's like those few moments everything just
seems to be heightened. your thoughts, feelings. i just feel vulnerable.
more sensitive. more emotional. everything is more. it's those few
moments where i can make my fantasy my wants that i may never
experience, seem real. in my head i can control the reactions.
the feelings of others. they can respond the way i want them to.
the way i imagine them responding in my head.

maybe i can dream that winning all that money will buy me
what it is i am looking for.
maybe if i think hard enough, i can dream it in my
unconscious dreams, too.
or maybe, i can just go into that moment and not come back.