true colors

accept no one's definition of your life. define yourself.

it's amazing what you learn from taking a step back and looking at the big picture from a distance, whether than up close and personal. sometimes, as hard as it may seem, you need to remove yourself from the current situation and focus on you. and your needs. and where you fit in.

especially when things that you have been scared of accepting, and pushing to the back of your mind every time they show any hint of appearing, suddenly become your reality.

reality is a scary thing. especially when you know it's going to be changing for the long haul. no matter how hard you try to stop it from happening, eventually time takes over and that moment you have been forcing to the back of your mind is directly in your hands.

and you are scared shitless.

what happens now... what happens to my life, to everything that i have, everything i want to have. suddenly, im totally spiraling out of control because i realize i never had any control to begin with.

in that moment... that's the moment your true colors show. but only to those people you trust utterly and completely with everything you have. it's those moments when you need them in your life more than ever. It's those moments where they need to be able to read your mind and know that they need to play the best friend card, because, they are on call.

I want to define myself as one of those people. one of those people that can be depended on during these life changing moments. or, any conflicting upsetting, depressing, or happy moment in my friends lives. i want to define myself as being that person who is the first person on my friend's mind when something of this nature happens, and they need me. whether it's for moral support. whether it's for advice. or most importantly, whether it's because it's ME they need.

I hope that somewhere out there, people think about me the way that i think about them. I know my definition is strong and true of what a friend is. and my true colors will outshine all the time when it comes to being there for the people i care about.

simplicity harmony

it isn't ever enough to cure the loneliest hearts

being happy and committed to your life and the path you are on should be a simple desire. so many people have a destination, a goal to what they want out of their life and will do whatever it is they can to get there.

my questions is this. what happens when you get there? you work your ass off, you do everything in your power for a simple feeling of satisfaction. when you reach your goal. when you reach your... destiny... then what?

i visualize a cliff that you've finally crawled to the top of. your moment of glory as you stand above all the challenges that you needed to face until you got there. you bask in the accomplishment that Yes. I. Have. Done It.

but then, reality hits. and the only way down is the opposite side of the mountain. the freefall. the emptiness of realizing that your moment of success is just that. a moment. there's no lifelong recognition. no constant gratification. so then what?

learning the hard way to appreciate those moments and the simplicity that goes along with them is a bittersweet feeling. especially when you have to be pulled out of your daydream of trying to imagine and feel the feelings of happiness and completion. you try so hard to relive it over and over again, except, you realize that it's impossible. that no matter how hard you try, the moment becomes a memory.

the realization of everything that you do, every ounce of energy you put forth to what you hope is worth something, anything, in the end--is only a facade and only a dream you have wished so hard to be true... comes crashing down and you realize that it will never be enough. the harmony the completion the fact that you would in a heartbeat give anything and everything... is wiped away when things that you have tried so hard to steer clear from comes crashing back into place. its out of your control at this point. it was never in your control to begin with.

the loneliness then settles in. right where you remember it being. the scar that you had forgotten about is ripped open and you have to force yourself to concentrate on something else, before it engulfs your thoughts entirely. your heart breaks, for no particular reason other than the once again confirmation that you will never be enough.

with all the feelings of remorse and acceptance, you must take a leap of faith. you must hold on tight. so you can have the strength to climb the mountain, yet again. and focus on what's right in front of you. and accepting that you may never feel the constant contentment that everyone talks about. but when you get the luxuries of experiencing a moment worth remembering, you live in it for as long as you can.