forever young

And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world

 it seems fucked up that even though you may be getting older, your mentality often stays wherever you happiest. you don't  let yourself accept the fate of growing up, and experiencing new things, good/bad. because you're stubborn and want to live timelessly in the age of innocence. or, the age of simplicity, whichever you prefer.

someone asked me this weekend, "what do you do when you're married and don't have school or exams to worry about." my response? a hollow "nothing." it turned into a joke-- "i hung up a shower curtain today." or, "i baked cookies. woke up at 11 a.m." *laughter ensues* but in reality, it was one of the saddest revelations i could muster. the fact that it's true--your life halts and there's nothing left. apart from the mindless expectation of jobs, money, and living the corporate life.

i struggle so often with this concept that one day, it will shatter me into pieces. i don't know how long it will take to get there, or who will be there to pick up the pieces when it does happen--but it will. once and awhile, there will be things that make those doubts disappear. and i'll get wrapped up in whatever it is i am doing, and forget about the bigger picture. and, i'll take notice in the pleasures and simple things that are often happening right around you.

maybe, you need to stick with those moments in order to get by. the little things, whether or not they are a simple conversation, or an hour of entertainment and/or something other than sitting letting your head spin. losing yourself in these moments rather than losing yourself within your head--if only i could get lost in the happiness rather than the twisted mind of myself.

Crave

Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me 

it's the human condition to want what you can't have. to yearn for the comfort that you shouldn't want. you wish you could change it. you wish you had the ability ignore all of the nagging thoughts that linger in your head about what's right and wrong. if there is a right and wrong.

Can you see yourself in two entirely different situations, both with a smile on your face? how to you know which one makes you smile bigger than the other? what is it about the untouchable that makes you crave for it so badly. if it was at your fingertips and you could taste it, have it, do with it what you please, would you want it as badly as you do? or do you just THINK you want it.

take a step back. and think about that. if there were no consequences. no one to answer to. would you take what you want? would you abandon everything you have just cure your craving? what if it ends up being, entirely... unsatisfying. was it worth it?

evaluating what you  have, and appreciating what you can maintain relationship wise should be the focus, always. those moments where you have second thoughts, and feel perfectly content, and right about a situation... how do you know they will last. it's always a double edged sword. But, knowing you're thought about, and knowing that there's something intriguing about you that makes them want more... the fascination of attraction and ability to mold desires is... a liberating feeling.

So, crave. want. wish for it. because it keeps you alive.

Done

we arise and shed our ignorance proclaiming acts of tolerance

and generosity and patience this is the human condition

s.t.o.p. this feeling. now now now. i have to stop before it's too late. because i don't to deal with the repercussions.  my fault, my fault, my fault.

s.t.o.p. caring. it will only make things worse.

my human condition is to care unconditionally.  no one warned me i need to take a step back before pouring my heart out to someone. it only takes a moment for them to turn their back on you. for them to patiently listen no more.

the moments make my heart beat faster for they were entirely unexpected. i'm done with the rollercoaster. i am done expecting the inevitable doom of falling faster and faster until i head up just as quickly. there is no more excitement. gone.

s.t.o.p being the friend willing to bend over backwards and offer up anything and everything to make things better. no more patience, no more generosity. because in the end, it doesnt end up being better for yourself. and you rarely see it in return.

indestructible

I have been running my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

i am rarely without words. most of the time, give me a computer, a piece of paper, a pencil, and i will be lost in thought and focused on the words that just come naturally. except for the times when i'm literally too far lost in my head and don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on up there.

i feel like new beginnings come with subtle endings. and the struggle is making the new beginnings last longer than a beginning. there are the sudden moments where you know things have clicked, and have your relationship with someone has changed. and not necessarily a welcomed change. i often create scenes in my head that basically plays out what it is i'm feeling. and how it would look if it were happening right in front of me, rather than just happening without any control, or any truth. in my head, you are walking away. and i knew it was pretty much inevitable. that it would happen eventually. i can't hold on to everything forever. tears are falling down my face, but, i'm not so much noticing them. just noticing that you're leaving. and things will forever be different. i'm happy for you. but struggling to put everything into my past.

i hate that i can't press pause and hold on to the moments that i want to cherish and live in forever. the relationships get to be to a sort of imperfect perfection, and you feel yourself grinning as you wonder if it could get any better than what you have. you just keep living in the moment, running toward what's next, oblivious that it could halt you making you feel entirely empty and incomplete rather than closer or eager to find out what's next. making you question everything up to this point.

despite the unwelcome hurting, once and while, the relationships and the moments you felt had been filed away into something that used to be, resurfaces. the familiarity is overbearing, but in such a comforting way, you ache because you know it will only be for moments that this comfort and understanding will be within reach. being able to relive those moments makes all the bad ones go away, and the whirlwinds of anxiety, uncertainty about the things you cannot control are subdued because of the sudden outcome that is at your fingertips. and in that moment, you don't let go. in that moment, you realize that you're indestructible.