indestructible

I have been running my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

i am rarely without words. most of the time, give me a computer, a piece of paper, a pencil, and i will be lost in thought and focused on the words that just come naturally. except for the times when i'm literally too far lost in my head and don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on up there.

i feel like new beginnings come with subtle endings. and the struggle is making the new beginnings last longer than a beginning. there are the sudden moments where you know things have clicked, and have your relationship with someone has changed. and not necessarily a welcomed change. i often create scenes in my head that basically plays out what it is i'm feeling. and how it would look if it were happening right in front of me, rather than just happening without any control, or any truth. in my head, you are walking away. and i knew it was pretty much inevitable. that it would happen eventually. i can't hold on to everything forever. tears are falling down my face, but, i'm not so much noticing them. just noticing that you're leaving. and things will forever be different. i'm happy for you. but struggling to put everything into my past.

i hate that i can't press pause and hold on to the moments that i want to cherish and live in forever. the relationships get to be to a sort of imperfect perfection, and you feel yourself grinning as you wonder if it could get any better than what you have. you just keep living in the moment, running toward what's next, oblivious that it could halt you making you feel entirely empty and incomplete rather than closer or eager to find out what's next. making you question everything up to this point.

despite the unwelcome hurting, once and while, the relationships and the moments you felt had been filed away into something that used to be, resurfaces. the familiarity is overbearing, but in such a comforting way, you ache because you know it will only be for moments that this comfort and understanding will be within reach. being able to relive those moments makes all the bad ones go away, and the whirlwinds of anxiety, uncertainty about the things you cannot control are subdued because of the sudden outcome that is at your fingertips. and in that moment, you don't let go. in that moment, you realize that you're indestructible.