accept no one's definition of your life. define yourself.
it's amazing what you learn from taking a step back and looking at the big picture from a distance, whether than up close and personal. sometimes, as hard as it may seem, you need to remove yourself from the current situation and focus on you. and your needs. and where you fit in.
especially when things that you have been scared of accepting, and pushing to the back of your mind every time they show any hint of appearing, suddenly become your reality.
reality is a scary thing. especially when you know it's going to be changing for the long haul. no matter how hard you try to stop it from happening, eventually time takes over and that moment you have been forcing to the back of your mind is directly in your hands.
and you are scared shitless.
what happens now... what happens to my life, to everything that i have, everything i want to have. suddenly, im totally spiraling out of control because i realize i never had any control to begin with.
in that moment... that's the moment your true colors show. but only to those people you trust utterly and completely with everything you have. it's those moments when you need them in your life more than ever. It's those moments where they need to be able to read your mind and know that they need to play the best friend card, because, they are on call.
I want to define myself as one of those people. one of those people that can be depended on during these life changing moments. or, any conflicting upsetting, depressing, or happy moment in my friends lives. i want to define myself as being that person who is the first person on my friend's mind when something of this nature happens, and they need me. whether it's for moral support. whether it's for advice. or most importantly, whether it's because it's ME they need.
I hope that somewhere out there, people think about me the way that i think about them. I know my definition is strong and true of what a friend is. and my true colors will outshine all the time when it comes to being there for the people i care about.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
simplicity harmony
it isn't ever enough to cure the loneliest hearts
being happy and committed to your life and the path you are on should be a simple desire. so many people have a destination, a goal to what they want out of their life and will do whatever it is they can to get there.
my questions is this. what happens when you get there? you work your ass off, you do everything in your power for a simple feeling of satisfaction. when you reach your goal. when you reach your... destiny... then what?
i visualize a cliff that you've finally crawled to the top of. your moment of glory as you stand above all the challenges that you needed to face until you got there. you bask in the accomplishment that Yes. I. Have. Done It.
but then, reality hits. and the only way down is the opposite side of the mountain. the freefall. the emptiness of realizing that your moment of success is just that. a moment. there's no lifelong recognition. no constant gratification. so then what?
learning the hard way to appreciate those moments and the simplicity that goes along with them is a bittersweet feeling. especially when you have to be pulled out of your daydream of trying to imagine and feel the feelings of happiness and completion. you try so hard to relive it over and over again, except, you realize that it's impossible. that no matter how hard you try, the moment becomes a memory.
the realization of everything that you do, every ounce of energy you put forth to what you hope is worth something, anything, in the end--is only a facade and only a dream you have wished so hard to be true... comes crashing down and you realize that it will never be enough. the harmony the completion the fact that you would in a heartbeat give anything and everything... is wiped away when things that you have tried so hard to steer clear from comes crashing back into place. its out of your control at this point. it was never in your control to begin with.
the loneliness then settles in. right where you remember it being. the scar that you had forgotten about is ripped open and you have to force yourself to concentrate on something else, before it engulfs your thoughts entirely. your heart breaks, for no particular reason other than the once again confirmation that you will never be enough.
with all the feelings of remorse and acceptance, you must take a leap of faith. you must hold on tight. so you can have the strength to climb the mountain, yet again. and focus on what's right in front of you. and accepting that you may never feel the constant contentment that everyone talks about. but when you get the luxuries of experiencing a moment worth remembering, you live in it for as long as you can.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
undisclosed desires
love would heal if we stayed true to the dreams of our youth
sometimes i think about writing a letter to everyone of my close friends and families for if something ever happened to me, they would really know how i feel. have you ever felt like words can never truly express how you feel and there's no way to convey the thoughts, emotions, and constant reminders of how much you care about someone?
there would be surprises. secrets unrevealed, even to myself. dreams that evolved when i was in high school, and pushed back to be ignored would be pouring out as i accepted the fact that they have not changed in 10 years. we grow. our lives continue. but no matter how often we get caught in that whirlwind of life as we know it, there are moments of clarity. that you know exactly what you want. and know exactly what you have to do to get there. but, as life picks up again, and you are swept away by your current reality, you forget your dreams all over again. until you open your eyes and it all comes flooding back.
it's my life. and it will always be mine. no one can take that away from me. my dreams can be mine and mine alone. who are you to judge them and me for having them.
sometimes i think about writing a letter to everyone of my close friends and families for if something ever happened to me, they would really know how i feel. have you ever felt like words can never truly express how you feel and there's no way to convey the thoughts, emotions, and constant reminders of how much you care about someone?
there would be surprises. secrets unrevealed, even to myself. dreams that evolved when i was in high school, and pushed back to be ignored would be pouring out as i accepted the fact that they have not changed in 10 years. we grow. our lives continue. but no matter how often we get caught in that whirlwind of life as we know it, there are moments of clarity. that you know exactly what you want. and know exactly what you have to do to get there. but, as life picks up again, and you are swept away by your current reality, you forget your dreams all over again. until you open your eyes and it all comes flooding back.
it's my life. and it will always be mine. no one can take that away from me. my dreams can be mine and mine alone. who are you to judge them and me for having them.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
secrets and promises
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
summer makes me whimsical. it makes me want to wear cute skirts and daydream in a field of wildflowers. it makes me revisit my... rachelisms. the little things only certain people see. who REALLY see. the things where only i'm allowed to do them and get away with them. without seeming ridiculous.
sometimes secrets and promises never meant as much as they do when they're with that special someone. it's like you forget the realities and are naive to everything. deep down, you know better. but in those moments, you've found the in between.
there are no mistakes. sure, in the past things may have seemed that way. im not one to believe in fate, and bet on things in that sense. but looking at the big picture... it just seems like there was some sort of gravitational pull for the way things have intertwined.
sometimes, you feel like you're falling off the path of comfort and turn back to insecurities. i hope you miss me like i miss you. i hold on to things you have said to me in the past. things you probably don't even remember saying. but it's those moments that we connect on that level, that make everything ok again. no matter what, there's that connection. these unspoken words and securities from me to you are what gets me by during the hard times. even you you'll never understand, or be where i am in this. i like to think you are.
so when i skip around the vacant fields with colorful wildflowers, that's what i will be daydreaming about.
sometimes secrets and promises never meant as much as they do when they're with that special someone. it's like you forget the realities and are naive to everything. deep down, you know better. but in those moments, you've found the in between.
there are no mistakes. sure, in the past things may have seemed that way. im not one to believe in fate, and bet on things in that sense. but looking at the big picture... it just seems like there was some sort of gravitational pull for the way things have intertwined.
sometimes, you feel like you're falling off the path of comfort and turn back to insecurities. i hope you miss me like i miss you. i hold on to things you have said to me in the past. things you probably don't even remember saying. but it's those moments that we connect on that level, that make everything ok again. no matter what, there's that connection. these unspoken words and securities from me to you are what gets me by during the hard times. even you you'll never understand, or be where i am in this. i like to think you are.
so when i skip around the vacant fields with colorful wildflowers, that's what i will be daydreaming about.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
conflicted
Count on us all to follow our own swords tonight
Have you ever REALLY wanted to do something (or not do something) but know the consequences may be not worth taking action? How do you determine what route will lead you with the less regret? Brush the angel off your shoulder and follow the devil's lead. He is more of a badass anyway.
Where does it get you? honestly, doing what's RIGHT verses what you WANT? the gratification that you can make other people happy? Does it really matter if you yourself isn't happy? But what if your guilt drives you mad, and in the end, you aren't happy no matter what you choose?
Who determines what is right anyway? What if my right is your wrong? who chooses what is considered more important...?
I don't owe you anything. so why do i let the constant angel of reason into my head when i want to live my life and not sacrifice what i want for you... when you've done absolutely nothing in my favor. you mean nothing to me, and have proven that more than once.
but you do mean something to someone i care about. How selfish do i have to be to prove a point to myself and by doing so, hurting one of the people i love most.
Who wins this never ending battle of priorities and desires. Tonight... I will win. you need to surrender your ways, because I'm determined not to let you get the best of me. My courage will lead me victorious tonight. So i can fight another battle tomorrow.
Have you ever REALLY wanted to do something (or not do something) but know the consequences may be not worth taking action? How do you determine what route will lead you with the less regret? Brush the angel off your shoulder and follow the devil's lead. He is more of a badass anyway.
Where does it get you? honestly, doing what's RIGHT verses what you WANT? the gratification that you can make other people happy? Does it really matter if you yourself isn't happy? But what if your guilt drives you mad, and in the end, you aren't happy no matter what you choose?
Who determines what is right anyway? What if my right is your wrong? who chooses what is considered more important...?
I don't owe you anything. so why do i let the constant angel of reason into my head when i want to live my life and not sacrifice what i want for you... when you've done absolutely nothing in my favor. you mean nothing to me, and have proven that more than once.
but you do mean something to someone i care about. How selfish do i have to be to prove a point to myself and by doing so, hurting one of the people i love most.
Who wins this never ending battle of priorities and desires. Tonight... I will win. you need to surrender your ways, because I'm determined not to let you get the best of me. My courage will lead me victorious tonight. So i can fight another battle tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
our war
It's like we learned our lesson. But conveniently forgot the rules
Sometimes there are people in your life that will make an impact on you when you least expect it. that person that has always had a place in your heart that you don't really know how to put your finger on what it is they do to you. it's that something that you're fine without, until you remember it again. then, it comes back at full force constantly on your mind. but it's difficult, because you don't even know what it is you're looking for.
You danced around the truth since day one, it's one of those things that will always be there... one of those things you wont understand because you never had the courage to explore what it meant. whatever it is. sometimes, you underestimate each other, and get caught off guard as to how much you care, and how much more you want from that person.
the war we continue to go through can't be compared to the one you have faced first hand. but you will continue to fight your own war in your own way. a way most likely no one will never understand. it's probably more complex than what it is. but it's those moments where you face surprise that makes you take a step back and wonder how much goes on in your mind about the past.
there are no rules. there never have been. if there were, maybe this would make sense and there would be less sidestepping and more communication.
Sometimes there are people in your life that will make an impact on you when you least expect it. that person that has always had a place in your heart that you don't really know how to put your finger on what it is they do to you. it's that something that you're fine without, until you remember it again. then, it comes back at full force constantly on your mind. but it's difficult, because you don't even know what it is you're looking for.
You danced around the truth since day one, it's one of those things that will always be there... one of those things you wont understand because you never had the courage to explore what it meant. whatever it is. sometimes, you underestimate each other, and get caught off guard as to how much you care, and how much more you want from that person.
the war we continue to go through can't be compared to the one you have faced first hand. but you will continue to fight your own war in your own way. a way most likely no one will never understand. it's probably more complex than what it is. but it's those moments where you face surprise that makes you take a step back and wonder how much goes on in your mind about the past.
there are no rules. there never have been. if there were, maybe this would make sense and there would be less sidestepping and more communication.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
the catalyst
We're a broken people living under loaded gun
it's a powerful feeling. when you feel that feeling you know exists, but comes and goes when you least expect it. the chemistry. the reaction. the outcome. the best part: knowing the outcome will only effect your every day life for the better.
it's a powerful feeling... knowing you can make things happen... just by being you. not only is it a powerful thing... but a comforting thing. a sense of reassurance comes over you that makes you burst at the seams. all your insecurities disappear. even if it's for that moment. you can feel like the prettiest, the best, and the most important person in someone's life.
it's a powerful feeling... knowing you are modifying the rate of the every day life of an individual, even if it's just for a moment. and increased reaction because of unspoken chemistry is confirmed and the reassurance starts all over again.
we may all be broken. but have the courage to attempt to fix someone. when you get a glimpse of succeeding in that... it's then you realize when you attempt to fix someone else, you end up fixing yourself.
it's a powerful feeling. when you feel that feeling you know exists, but comes and goes when you least expect it. the chemistry. the reaction. the outcome. the best part: knowing the outcome will only effect your every day life for the better.
it's a powerful feeling... knowing you can make things happen... just by being you. not only is it a powerful thing... but a comforting thing. a sense of reassurance comes over you that makes you burst at the seams. all your insecurities disappear. even if it's for that moment. you can feel like the prettiest, the best, and the most important person in someone's life.
it's a powerful feeling... knowing you are modifying the rate of the every day life of an individual, even if it's just for a moment. and increased reaction because of unspoken chemistry is confirmed and the reassurance starts all over again.
we may all be broken. but have the courage to attempt to fix someone. when you get a glimpse of succeeding in that... it's then you realize when you attempt to fix someone else, you end up fixing yourself.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Chasing Pavements
you should know you're just a temporary fix
Why is it the things you desire to be permanent aren't and those that aren't you wish they were? why must everything always be so backwards. things are never going to stop. even when your feet are both standing on solid ground, an earthquake will shake you free from your stability. you can run until you can't run anymore, chasing what it is you are searching for, but you will continue to run on the inevitable neverending pavement.
There's no dead end when it comes to choices. You may have to put things in reverse and backtrack, but there is never nowhere to go. Your options may not be as you desire, and perhaps A, B, and C all call for hardships, hurt feelings, amongst other things. but the hope is never lost. especially, when you remember that its your life your living. no one else. That hope...even when it's been buried for so long you forgot what it feels like. It will reappear. and, even though you know that it will almost 100 percent never happen, you can get lost in a dream when it was at one time, possible, plausible, and reachable. It may seem depressing to even get lost in that world, but, if you set your mind to it, you can make it your reality for a while. and the excitement builds up as you consider your possibilities. It is a temporary fix. one of the things you wish was permanent. but it's not.
But just because the chances of it never happening are high... there's always that glimmer of hope that something will go your way and you can take the opportunity you never thought you'd have again. the one you ignored when it was screaming in your face to take it.
When you get that second chance, don't make it a temporary reality. make it a neverending one.
Why is it the things you desire to be permanent aren't and those that aren't you wish they were? why must everything always be so backwards. things are never going to stop. even when your feet are both standing on solid ground, an earthquake will shake you free from your stability. you can run until you can't run anymore, chasing what it is you are searching for, but you will continue to run on the inevitable neverending pavement.
There's no dead end when it comes to choices. You may have to put things in reverse and backtrack, but there is never nowhere to go. Your options may not be as you desire, and perhaps A, B, and C all call for hardships, hurt feelings, amongst other things. but the hope is never lost. especially, when you remember that its your life your living. no one else. That hope...even when it's been buried for so long you forgot what it feels like. It will reappear. and, even though you know that it will almost 100 percent never happen, you can get lost in a dream when it was at one time, possible, plausible, and reachable. It may seem depressing to even get lost in that world, but, if you set your mind to it, you can make it your reality for a while. and the excitement builds up as you consider your possibilities. It is a temporary fix. one of the things you wish was permanent. but it's not.
But just because the chances of it never happening are high... there's always that glimmer of hope that something will go your way and you can take the opportunity you never thought you'd have again. the one you ignored when it was screaming in your face to take it.
When you get that second chance, don't make it a temporary reality. make it a neverending one.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Inside Out
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed. So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
How you ever really felt the anxiety of an emotional rollercoaster? when your stomach is in knots and you aren't really sure how to react to a situation, fix a situation, or even deal with it?
Two roads seem like perfect endings. i'm traveling down one, but want to turn around and head the other way. would it be the same if things were reversed? i'm closing so many doors, but desperately trying to keep this one open... even if it is just a crack. the more doors i close, the more i want to swing open the other and let myself fall down the steps and into that lifestyle.
how do i focus on keeping my eyes forward rather than always looking back? keeping afloat without a life preserver is not as easy as it may seem.
you really do know me inside and out. whether or not you admit it or not. to yourself, or anyone else. maybe it's better that way. maybe it's not. maybe i'll never be able to open the door to perfection.
How you ever really felt the anxiety of an emotional rollercoaster? when your stomach is in knots and you aren't really sure how to react to a situation, fix a situation, or even deal with it?
Two roads seem like perfect endings. i'm traveling down one, but want to turn around and head the other way. would it be the same if things were reversed? i'm closing so many doors, but desperately trying to keep this one open... even if it is just a crack. the more doors i close, the more i want to swing open the other and let myself fall down the steps and into that lifestyle.
how do i focus on keeping my eyes forward rather than always looking back? keeping afloat without a life preserver is not as easy as it may seem.
you really do know me inside and out. whether or not you admit it or not. to yourself, or anyone else. maybe it's better that way. maybe it's not. maybe i'll never be able to open the door to perfection.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
who am i living for
See how I leave with every piece of you. Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.
lately i have learned that hesitation is the root of all evil. if everyone just went with their gut feeling, and didn't hesitate and think about the consequences, perhaps there would be a whole lot less regret in this world.
every decision comes with consequences, it's just a matter of determining which decision will have the least number of what ifs come into play. here's a secret: not one trumps the other.
so therefore you should go with your gut. if i hadn't thought twice about things, if i hadn't been so selfless and thought about everyone but myself, perhaps i would be a happier person. or, living a life that i want to lead, not one that everyone else wants me to lead. in the end, it's my life. it's YOUR life. and no one can take that away from you.
Sometimes, you get this sudden burst of energy. whether it's to make a difference, or change the course of your life. it can be scary, but exciting. i will no longer believe in hesitation. and i will take the steps i need to take in order to figure things out. there will be no more underestimating the power i have over my own decisions and my own life. from you, from me, or anyone that i come in contact with. i will live for me.
I will find happiness. I will be content with the life i have chosen. one way or another.
lately i have learned that hesitation is the root of all evil. if everyone just went with their gut feeling, and didn't hesitate and think about the consequences, perhaps there would be a whole lot less regret in this world.
every decision comes with consequences, it's just a matter of determining which decision will have the least number of what ifs come into play. here's a secret: not one trumps the other.
so therefore you should go with your gut. if i hadn't thought twice about things, if i hadn't been so selfless and thought about everyone but myself, perhaps i would be a happier person. or, living a life that i want to lead, not one that everyone else wants me to lead. in the end, it's my life. it's YOUR life. and no one can take that away from you.
Sometimes, you get this sudden burst of energy. whether it's to make a difference, or change the course of your life. it can be scary, but exciting. i will no longer believe in hesitation. and i will take the steps i need to take in order to figure things out. there will be no more underestimating the power i have over my own decisions and my own life. from you, from me, or anyone that i come in contact with. i will live for me.
I will find happiness. I will be content with the life i have chosen. one way or another.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Point of no return
Grabbing victory out of the jaws of defeat
Pretty sure there needs to be an off button to your thought processes. at least, the negative ones. or, the ones that you know deep down are entirely trivial and ridiculous, yet, you can't help thinking them, and you can't push them away no matter how hard you try. and of course, each and every action, or lack there of, only adds fuel to the fire regarding the entire situation.
Sometimes, it's like you have ventured so far that there's no turning back. you can't just shut yourself out of a situation that you have vested so much time, energy... and emotion into.
and then there's the simple things. the little things that you pay no attention to, until they happen, and result into a genuine smile, a honest glimpse of happiness... when you least expect it. out of nowhere. it's quite amazing how i allow those glimmers of happiness sneak it. especially when it doesn't relate at all to the situation at hand.
or maybe, there isn't a situation. and you are only creating it for yourself. perhaps, your idea of a stagnate lifestyle isn't the same ideology of other people that is in your life. perhaps, they choose to move forward, at least, move somewhere, other than living in the past within the memories. often times, the memories of sadness.
taking a step back, and a step into the real world, i can do my best to look at the bright side. and whereas things may not be heading in the direction i choose, i can take what i can and consider it an accomplishment. perhaps i need to let go, and accept the moving forward concept. and accept that it will just have to be justified as the current reality. but i can still hold on to the fact that if it weren't for me, your current reality may not exist. so, perhaps the memories i do hold on to aren't always the most positive ones for you. but for me, i like knowing that in those moments, i mattered. more than anyone else. perhaps more than i ever will again. to you, or anyone else. in those moments, i didn't feel defeat. but, victorious. that i helped you move on. when you felt your walls crumbling down. i helped you set the foundation again. and because of that, i will accept that my place in your world may not be as important as it once was. because i helped you build your palace and help you make it where it is today.
Pretty sure there needs to be an off button to your thought processes. at least, the negative ones. or, the ones that you know deep down are entirely trivial and ridiculous, yet, you can't help thinking them, and you can't push them away no matter how hard you try. and of course, each and every action, or lack there of, only adds fuel to the fire regarding the entire situation.
Sometimes, it's like you have ventured so far that there's no turning back. you can't just shut yourself out of a situation that you have vested so much time, energy... and emotion into.
and then there's the simple things. the little things that you pay no attention to, until they happen, and result into a genuine smile, a honest glimpse of happiness... when you least expect it. out of nowhere. it's quite amazing how i allow those glimmers of happiness sneak it. especially when it doesn't relate at all to the situation at hand.
or maybe, there isn't a situation. and you are only creating it for yourself. perhaps, your idea of a stagnate lifestyle isn't the same ideology of other people that is in your life. perhaps, they choose to move forward, at least, move somewhere, other than living in the past within the memories. often times, the memories of sadness.
taking a step back, and a step into the real world, i can do my best to look at the bright side. and whereas things may not be heading in the direction i choose, i can take what i can and consider it an accomplishment. perhaps i need to let go, and accept the moving forward concept. and accept that it will just have to be justified as the current reality. but i can still hold on to the fact that if it weren't for me, your current reality may not exist. so, perhaps the memories i do hold on to aren't always the most positive ones for you. but for me, i like knowing that in those moments, i mattered. more than anyone else. perhaps more than i ever will again. to you, or anyone else. in those moments, i didn't feel defeat. but, victorious. that i helped you move on. when you felt your walls crumbling down. i helped you set the foundation again. and because of that, i will accept that my place in your world may not be as important as it once was. because i helped you build your palace and help you make it where it is today.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
milestones
the affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more
sometimes, it just hits you. and when it does, you totally don't expect it. in fact, sometimes you look forward to a situation, an outing, and when it turns out to be something you least expected... everything his the fan.
today marks a milestone, or, revelation, that i honestly was worried i would never have. well, parts of it. the oh-so-friendly feeling of loneliness i unfortunately am all too familiar with and is never easy to deal with. but i suppose i deserve it. maybe i deserve all of it. maybe, i've reached the point where i have to fully accept it. and move on.
i just don't know how. i don't know how to be okay with this, and how to fill these shoes. i wish i could make everyone happy. i wish i could make myself happy. it teases me. for seconds, minutes hours, even a day... i am happy and smiling for numerous reasons. but eventually it all comes crashing down, and the reasons that made me smile in the first place, turn out to be the reasons i frown and cry. the reasons that make me feel so lost and unsure of myself and everything that i fear is happening and has to happen, is. and that im losing myself entirely.
the taste of it lingers, the giddy feelings and thoughts are still hopeful. and yet the whole package is so close. but unreachable. . every time. the anticipation stays the same... maybe i'll get to feel that feeling sooner than let myself believe. maybe it's time i accept these milestones as the truth, and stop trying to live in the past
Thursday, February 24, 2011
cliche
I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.
tell me where i'm suppose to go when i get lost. who am i suppose to believe when i have no where to turn, no one to tell. no one to make things right. how do you react the hollow constant pit in your stomach that you know something will happen, and you have no control over the outcome.
"it will get better." "actions speak louder than words" "people care about you. it's not as bad as it seems. you will get through this" "It's not you, it's me"
these common phrases are used in so many situations, that one cannot decipher when there is truth behind their meaning. But what do you do when there is no other way to say exactly what you mean... other than to turn to the cliche? what if you life depended on it? how do you make a cliche' anything but?
here's my logic. one can argue. but this is what i believe. one cliche, if you will, i live my life by.
You are the owner of your own actions. you are responsible for your life and what you do with it. you get one shot. one shot at forming a relationship. and one shot at destroying it. after that one shot has been taken, it takes a hell of a lot more power and determination to try again. and get the reaction you hope for.
No matter what your situations, you are free to be who you want to be. free your mind, and get through your trials and maintain the attitude that you get one shot at this. one shot to make something of yourself. one shot to appreciate the little things in life. one shot make a bold move and do something that you've never had the courage, or guts to do. there's more to life than the shit that you may find yourself in. it's one day. one week. one month. out of a lifetime. a lifetime, that i wouldn't want to fuck with. because i'm telling you this. all cliche's aside, you'll never get anywhere if you don't try. don't give up on something, or someone before giving it that one shot.
tell me where i'm suppose to go when i get lost. who am i suppose to believe when i have no where to turn, no one to tell. no one to make things right. how do you react the hollow constant pit in your stomach that you know something will happen, and you have no control over the outcome.
"it will get better." "actions speak louder than words" "people care about you. it's not as bad as it seems. you will get through this" "It's not you, it's me"
these common phrases are used in so many situations, that one cannot decipher when there is truth behind their meaning. But what do you do when there is no other way to say exactly what you mean... other than to turn to the cliche? what if you life depended on it? how do you make a cliche' anything but?
here's my logic. one can argue. but this is what i believe. one cliche, if you will, i live my life by.
You are the owner of your own actions. you are responsible for your life and what you do with it. you get one shot. one shot at forming a relationship. and one shot at destroying it. after that one shot has been taken, it takes a hell of a lot more power and determination to try again. and get the reaction you hope for.
No matter what your situations, you are free to be who you want to be. free your mind, and get through your trials and maintain the attitude that you get one shot at this. one shot to make something of yourself. one shot to appreciate the little things in life. one shot make a bold move and do something that you've never had the courage, or guts to do. there's more to life than the shit that you may find yourself in. it's one day. one week. one month. out of a lifetime. a lifetime, that i wouldn't want to fuck with. because i'm telling you this. all cliche's aside, you'll never get anywhere if you don't try. don't give up on something, or someone before giving it that one shot.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
daylight
Stay here, touching you, touching the light in your eyes that keeps coming back.
There are times in your life when you have to accept that you have done your best, even if your best doesn't seem good enough. even, when your best seems like your worst, because in the end, you have failed. or so it seems. but in reality, you haven't failed, only succeeded to do everything in your willpower in hopes for a different outcome.
Darkness enfolds and you make choices that effect you every single day. in the end, it's always your choice to open your eyes and see the daylight each morning. No matter how much someone tries to convince you otherwise, the choice is always in your hands.
Often times people don't see the longevity of the choices that they make. and, in the end you, the support system, are left trying to put together the pieces that stay behind, trying to make sense of it all. leading yourself to believe that there was something else you could have done. even though you know deep down you exhausted all possibilities.
stay. please just stay and look beyond the bars and what you see as a dead end. because it's not. there's always a way to turn around and head back in the opposite direction. don't stop moving forward. don't stop coming back. keep arising to see the daylight.
There are times in your life when you have to accept that you have done your best, even if your best doesn't seem good enough. even, when your best seems like your worst, because in the end, you have failed. or so it seems. but in reality, you haven't failed, only succeeded to do everything in your willpower in hopes for a different outcome.
Darkness enfolds and you make choices that effect you every single day. in the end, it's always your choice to open your eyes and see the daylight each morning. No matter how much someone tries to convince you otherwise, the choice is always in your hands.
Often times people don't see the longevity of the choices that they make. and, in the end you, the support system, are left trying to put together the pieces that stay behind, trying to make sense of it all. leading yourself to believe that there was something else you could have done. even though you know deep down you exhausted all possibilities.
stay. please just stay and look beyond the bars and what you see as a dead end. because it's not. there's always a way to turn around and head back in the opposite direction. don't stop moving forward. don't stop coming back. keep arising to see the daylight.
Monday, February 21, 2011
ghosting
You're the one that appears in my dreams. And it appears you're just cleaning up the mess somebody else has left.
you haunt me. i wish i could say i hate it. part of me surely does. but part of me doesn't know how to live without it. part of me needs it in order to keep moving forward. why? i don't know. because the secrets will always live inside myself and no one else.
i like you. maybe, i'm just like you. though sometimes i feel as though i'm holding something that needs to be let go. what it is, i don't know. it's intangible, but a feeling of hope.
this hollow feeling never subsides even when i'm distracted from the thoughts and feelings, it's constantly looming over me. and then when something reminds me of it, and you, it comes crashing down with such impact, sometimes i don't know how to keep moving forward.
I come and go, as do you. i know it won't be any other way. you continue to show up when i least expect it, and disappear just as quickly. but, i've learned to hold on. perhaps there's a method to the madness as to why it happens when it does. you're there when i need you most. to help me through. every time, you appear out of thin air when i need you to. to clean up the mess someone else has made. to make me whole again.
you haunt me. i wish i could say i hate it. part of me surely does. but part of me doesn't know how to live without it. part of me needs it in order to keep moving forward. why? i don't know. because the secrets will always live inside myself and no one else.
i like you. maybe, i'm just like you. though sometimes i feel as though i'm holding something that needs to be let go. what it is, i don't know. it's intangible, but a feeling of hope.
this hollow feeling never subsides even when i'm distracted from the thoughts and feelings, it's constantly looming over me. and then when something reminds me of it, and you, it comes crashing down with such impact, sometimes i don't know how to keep moving forward.
I come and go, as do you. i know it won't be any other way. you continue to show up when i least expect it, and disappear just as quickly. but, i've learned to hold on. perhaps there's a method to the madness as to why it happens when it does. you're there when i need you most. to help me through. every time, you appear out of thin air when i need you to. to clean up the mess someone else has made. to make me whole again.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
new beginnings
Everyone's so focus clearly with such shine
let's take a minute to be real for a minute and reflect on a few things.
It's been awhile since i visited this lil diary/blog of mine. and, no one can argue that things have changed. the inevitable change that i sort of dreaded is here and gone. and you know what? i'm the exactly the same.
so therefore, a lot of my fears have been put to rest in that i haven't had to change who i am because of a status change. Though, it wasn't always that easy. At first i expected it, and perhaps, subconsciously let it happen because i figured i was facing my demise. but, after a little hurt feelings, and reality checks, i realized that my life and relationships do not have to change.
Despite my hesitations and stubbornness regarding new relationships, i have recently developed some new relationships.friendships with people, and i can't claim that it doesn't make me happy. New friends sometimes just fall into your life when you least expect it. and before you know it, it's natural to want to talk to them, to think about them, and just wonder what they are up to. sometimes, i just think things are meant to be when people enter your life when you least expect it.
Being focused on so many things in my life, it makes me realize that my fears and lack of interest in making new friends, and developing new relationships, would essentially be saying i need to give up on all my cherished friendships i have now. whereas it seems simple enough to understand that it isn't a replacement, but just adding fun people in my life. i was scared. i didn't want to lose those important people in my life, and i didn't want them to forget about me and think about me differently after i got married. but, i'm pretty confident 6 months later, that those who are real, aren't going to leave me.
so those of you, old and new, your presence and love, it keeps me shining.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Sigh no more
Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
impressions are left during moments that you wouldn't think twice about. Until you do. you think twice, and then three times, until three times becomes more times than you can count. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to realize that the meaning behind it is so much more than what it seems on the surface.
i don't take things for granted. at least, i tell myself i don't. perhaps that's why i like to relive so many key moments in my life. and what's funny, is the moments that i remember and cherish are often times so minimal, i would never imagine other people in those moments would remember them, let alone thing twice about them.
It's funny how certain situations can lead you down a path without even knowing it until you halt in your tracks and sit down and think about the situation. when the simplicity of something that seemed to have no relevance reveals to you that it actually had a much deeper meaning that what you ever would have expected.
These roads we travel down without a care in the world is a facade. whether you realize it or not, there's always a reason that we do the things we do, and feel the things we feel. Even if it means we can't uncover the true meaning without multiple turns, curves and road blocks. Eventually, things make sense. or at least, give you a direction. rather than just feeling like you are flailing in the wind with no one to turn to, no where to go.
Situations happen. people change their course, their direction multiple times. But those people who influence your life who you can count on, you will gravitate toward them. There's no knowing how long you'll be apart. or for how far. but when you least expect it, you'll find your way back to them. each and every time. they will guide you to a place that you may have forgotten about, or didn't know existed. often times, a place inside yourself. here, with these people as a support system inside and out, you are reminded you aren't alone and there's more to the life you're living. Every time, your confidence that your newfound beginning will put your feet back on solid ground and remind you of your compass. and which way you need to go in order to feel yourself again.
impressions are left during moments that you wouldn't think twice about. Until you do. you think twice, and then three times, until three times becomes more times than you can count. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to realize that the meaning behind it is so much more than what it seems on the surface.
i don't take things for granted. at least, i tell myself i don't. perhaps that's why i like to relive so many key moments in my life. and what's funny, is the moments that i remember and cherish are often times so minimal, i would never imagine other people in those moments would remember them, let alone thing twice about them.
It's funny how certain situations can lead you down a path without even knowing it until you halt in your tracks and sit down and think about the situation. when the simplicity of something that seemed to have no relevance reveals to you that it actually had a much deeper meaning that what you ever would have expected.
These roads we travel down without a care in the world is a facade. whether you realize it or not, there's always a reason that we do the things we do, and feel the things we feel. Even if it means we can't uncover the true meaning without multiple turns, curves and road blocks. Eventually, things make sense. or at least, give you a direction. rather than just feeling like you are flailing in the wind with no one to turn to, no where to go.
Situations happen. people change their course, their direction multiple times. But those people who influence your life who you can count on, you will gravitate toward them. There's no knowing how long you'll be apart. or for how far. but when you least expect it, you'll find your way back to them. each and every time. they will guide you to a place that you may have forgotten about, or didn't know existed. often times, a place inside yourself. here, with these people as a support system inside and out, you are reminded you aren't alone and there's more to the life you're living. Every time, your confidence that your newfound beginning will put your feet back on solid ground and remind you of your compass. and which way you need to go in order to feel yourself again.
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