Possibly, maybe

this relentless restlessness liberates me

lately i have feeling this really weird feeling of anxiety. randomly. about certain situations. it's like i have lost the ability to control my emotions about certain things. like, i have been so close to just.... stopping everything i am doing and sit in the middle of the floor, put my head in my hands and just say "NO"

i just want to give up sometimes. just stop. like, push pause. on so many things because... well, i dont even know why. there is no legitimate reason as to why i feel so restless about things right now. i wish i could understand.

possibly, its the continued trek down the inevitable change in my entire life that i can't seem to grasp hold of.

maybe, it's the cool weather. the season that makes me... oh-so-happy.

or it could be both. among many other factors. i dont know. all i know is it's stronger than it has every been before. i feel like i am developing a temper.... only, it hasn't surfaced yet. but when it does.... watch out. i will feel bad for anyone in its path. because honestly. this unsettling frustration is getting a little... ridiculous. i hate how it just creeps up on me out of nowhere. i can't even prepare for it. for the instantaneous hollow feel of dread. UGH.

i just want control.

"You deserve to need me, not to have me."

i'm pretty sure if i were smart, i would have come up with these quotes/sayings myself. but, alas, i'm not, nor am i original. so, i will post them, giving props to my man auggie. because, he pretty much rocks my world. WORK it, boy.
<3s.

Augusten Burroughs

"...I don't think it's any more deceptive than wearing four-inch come-fuck-me pumps when one has no intention of ever fucking anybody."--Possible Side Effects


"Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face." --Magical Thinking

"I told myself, 'All I want is a normal life'. But was that true? I wasn't so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. 'Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal', I told myself."--Running With Scissors


"It’s a wonder I’m even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself. But there’s something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes."--Running With Scissors


"...handsome people are always interesting to watch. But a handsome person in crisis is riveting." Dry


"Everybody in recovery smokes. If you don't like smoking, don't even bother trying to get sober. Just stay drunk." --Possible Side Effects


"I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you." --Dry



and last but not least. he echoes my sentiments. and i couldn't say it better.

"So that's what I'm here to become. And suddenly, this word fills me with a brand of sadness I haven't felt since childhood. The kind of sadness you feel at the end of summer. When the fireflies are gone, the ponds have dried up and the plants are wilted, weary from being so green."
a. burroughs.

helpless

Heart-strings pulling... in me

goodbye summer. hello fall.

i despise this time of year. i hate how it is so deceivingly pretty. with the colors. the smells. autumn. is. bittersweet. because it is only a tease. where it could be my favorite season.... it fails to bring any sort of happiness. it speaks so optimistically with its vibrant colors and chilly yet peaceful temperatures. only to be slapped in the face by the first epic michigan snowfall and winter blast that will throw us into the tundra of frostbit toes and shivering mornings.


falling.

the inevitable change of season leads to the inevitable depression i fall into every year around this time. i can feel it happening. usually, it sneaks up on me and just one day, i step outside, and bam. it's like there is no going back. it's pretty... and despite what people may think, or tell me... i fall into this deep dark hole. and want to stay there until the last icicle melts and i can welcome the may flowers.


wanting.

there are so many things i want right now.
1. to live somewhere will i didnt have to experience this recycled emotion every year at this time. however, i know it will never change. not the location. the feeling. not in this lifetime.

2. to be a physical presence in my friend's lives. i ache when i can't be there for them when they hurt. when they call me, needing me, my support, love, reassurance. my heart breaks, i want to wipe away their tears, and be there. physically. i hate that i can only do so much. i wish i could take away their sadness.

3. to be a better girl for my boy. he doesn't deserve my distance, my nonchalant reactions, my lack of enthusiasm for the things he schedules, plans, in hope for me to be happy. he deserves better than me. than who i am for him. i wish i could be everything he deserves.


tomorrow. tomorrow starts a new story.

long distance sadness

Don't blame me, don't maim me, I can't help what I am


i miss my friends. i hate that they are so far away. i hate not being able to be there for them. or have them be here for me. i feel so close yet so far away.

i have had to experience long distance relationships on one level or another for wayyyy too long. the saddest part.... is that it is inevitable.

in a perfect world.....

unraveled

what are feelings without emotions

words are only words. depending on who they come from, they can make you feel like you are on top of the world, or the bottom. they can make you smile, make you cry. they can lift up your heart, or break it.

but how is it that the lack of them can hurt more than anything in the world? the yearning for a simple "i miss you" or, a "im thinking about you" when you need it most. when you think you are confident, and happy, the lack of reassurance and feeling... makes you unravel slowly into someone you don't even know. i just dont understand how people who are the love of someone's life... can disregard the privilege they have in saying a simple "i love you." can they not see that it make's their significant other's day? why would you throw that power out the window? it's something i will never understand.

so. to all the people i love and cherish. you know who you are. you make my world complete. and i love you all. so so much. and im sorry if i don't tell you enough. because its true. i say this with feeling. and emotion.

Meteor Shower

i can finally see that you're right there beside me
i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go i desperately need you

i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go desperately i need You



Owl City.

that's all.

mood swings

i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart.

it never fails to amaze me how a single aspect of a 24 hour day can change your entire mood, disposition. good or bad. happy or sad. honestly, 24 hours may seem like forever, or a blink of an eye... depending on what you are experiencing. the feelings. thoughts. physical activities, or lack there of. it's crazy how perception varies between people, between moments, between moods.

i suppose it's the exciting part of life. not knowing what to expect. always standing on thin ice for one reason or another. i suppose in a twisted way, that's what keeps us moving forward. good or bad. happy or sad.

on the flip side, part of me despises how much that single moment, conversation, experience.... can alter the rest of your day, or, my day. i obviously take things personally. the whole saying of "feeling your heart drop" (or whatever the hell it is) it's for real. my heart can sink with a single moment. and, to go with that, i am not very good at hiding that. which is what bothers me the most i think. the ability for people to read me so easily. i guess i would rather be read, than just bottle it up inside. i have seen what that can do. but, all that being said... those same simple moments, words... can easily pick me back up again. i suppose it's a trade off. sometimes i just wish the trade off was more a little uneven. and i could enjoy some hang time... and fly in the air before falling.

optimistically pessimistic

It won´t ever change if you want it to stay the same

ok. i am going to attempt to change the pace a little here. and charge forward with the next couple paragraphs full of optimism. to an extent.

the false sunny disposition is NOT something that i welcome. true optimism is rare, and, i envy those who experience it. i am not one of them. but, i will allow myself to twist the truth and put a positive spin on it. another rare occurrence.


so. its almost for real. the finalization of this house process. it's almost done. in terms of papers being signed. and everything being legit. so... basically i am doing the entering the "next chapter of my life," mode. for real.

now, the real rachel would respond as follows:
a. im sad, because i dont like change and dont want to move from grand rapids
b. i hate the idea of being far away from... life. or the life that i have always led. in one aspect of another.
c. PERMANENT. CAN'T GET OUT. STUCK.

BUT, today i will do my best to... think positive about this terrifying soon-to-be purchase/investment/change of the rest of my life situation.

it will be fun to call something my own. to decorate. to make it mine. ours. to create a livable environment without ANY boundaries. i can do what i want! i should hire an interior decorator to make it modern and fabulous. it definitely has potential.

even tho it is sorta in the middle of no where, i am really excited to be able to offer my friends their OWN ROOM and their OWN SPACE when they come to see me. this excites me. i just hope they will still come to see me...

and THIS... THIS may be one of the biggest reasons i could allow myself to be excited... and its so small, it's probably ridiculous... but... i will no longer have to pay to do laundry! i will be able to do it in the comfort of my own house... whenever i want!!! no more dragging it from place to place to gt that shit done. AND it will be on the first floor. YAY!

but MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! this semi-optimistic rachel is confidant that if i don't want things to change... they dont have to. if i dont want to stop talking to my friends, if i dont want to stop living the life that i am living, if i dont want to change who i am... i don't have to. just because i may be changing my address, waking up in a different city, and eventually, changing my last name... it doesnt mean that i will be changing. i'm always going to be me. me. yes. me.

repetition

i am not my own, for i have been made new

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i am over waiting. waiting for what, i couldn't tell you. when i look forward to something, and it happens, i am living what i have been waiting for, for, however long it lasts... i find myself just letting it pass by, only to desperately seek something else to look forward to. does that make sense? i guess it doesnt have to. it makes sense to me. in my head. in my head i just continue going in circles. i go through the motions. never really accomplishing anything. ask me what my greatest accomplishment is, i couldn't tell you. sure, i could respond with the expected, "bachelor's degree" or whatever. but, really, i think my greatest accomplishment is surviving this repetition known as my life.

i wonder if it is possible to live a life without the inevitable routine that you claim as your own. not that routines are always a bad thing, but, when they become as anti climatic, without any detours as mine has seem to become... i don't really think it is a GOOD thing. Sure, you can argue that my life is anything but repetitious right now, i mean hell, i am practically a home owner, and, i will be getting married next year. how much out of the norm do i need? but in the big scheme of things, it's all part of the large routine. the big picture. my life has pretty much followed the idealistic course that one would hope. school. college. job. marriage. home. children. and so on. is that so bad? i mean, seriously. i could take a step back and think of all the people out there who yearn for my life, my... everything. perhaps i create the complexity for myself. considering so many people would give anything to have the ability to spend the rest of their life with the person they can't imagine their life without. for whatever reason, something is preventing them from doing so. to those people who would give anything for a college education/degree... but again, for whatever reason, they haven't had the opportunity or ability to make that happen. where do i get off complaining about my life? im sure it makes me sound as petty and shallow as the people i despise.

so perhaps i should take this repetition, this circle of life that i have made my own, as a blessing. i mean, who says the grass is always greener on the other side?

blank

If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?

there is something bittersweet about this whole concept of blogging. i miss the old fashion journal with it's ragged pages, smeared ink. i miss the fresh feeling of a blank page that is screaming for me to write on and on and on.... until my hand has callouses and my mind is out of words.

journals with tangible pages screams innocence. there once was a time where you wrote only for yourself never with the thought that anyone would see the words that you carefully scribed on the blank page. there was mystery and truth hidden behind the words that littered the page, so unlike today's blog and online world. no matter how hard you try to be candid, you know in the back of your mind people are reading your words. back before the world of interwebs, you relied on yourself, and didn't know about the futuristic world that the internet would soon provide you. however, even with the instantaneous connection the internet provides, i can still feel more alone than i did when it was me in the solitude of my room, my pencil and my journal. i would sit cross legged on my bed gnawing on my pencil eraser or pen top. and your journal was your best friend because you could write the ending to your day. you didn't have to worry about anyone thinking any less of you, or knowing your secrets. because your journal never betrayed you. it kept your words safe.

somehow the concept of blogging doesnt have the same impact. because these words are so much easier to erase and pretend they never existed. you never really get the satisfaction of filling up a blank page.... the way you did with your pen and paper. i dunno. i dont know how this turned into such a long uninteresting blog topic. i suppose i relate it to entire concept of my life. the longing desire for a single blank page. where i can hold the pencil.

imposter

"Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people."

i crave acceptance. understanding. love. reassurance. CONFIDENCE. but what i yearn for most is happiness. for me. and nobody else. i fear the cohesiveness of the american dream lifestyle and the constant pattern of life and the smile that will be plastered to my face. i fear hiding behind a mask that will never reveal my true self to those who need to see it most.

my passion to what is real is almost too intense for even me. how can who i am and what i feel be too intense for my own good? how do i get myself into these situations, where my fears, worries, and insecurities get the best of me. sometimes, i see myself as the same person i was seven years ago, as a teenager, lost in the world of unknowns. only, the world suddenly got a lot bigger. and failure was more than a red letter on your test or book report.

i dont want to make real decisions that have a lasting effect on the rest of my life. if i could avoid that whole scenerio, im pretty sure i could eliminate a million of the nerves that seem to creep up on me and twist and turn inside making me the way i am. i dont want to be a ghost of myself. but i also know that i need to face the real world. and stop whining. and grow some balls. or, the female comparison to balls in that context. some days i need to pull my head out of the clouds and be me.

emotional rollercoaster

how can something that is suppose to be such a good thing, turn into one of the scariest things in the world? why why why can't i accept the fact that changes don't have to do be a bad thing? i have definitely accepted the fact that i don't adapt well to change. at all. seeeeeriously.

so... i pretty much turned from child to grown up in like .2 seconds. at least, that's what it felt like. holy whirlwind and life changing experiences happening within a weeks time span. like, i feel like i can't handle all of this right now. i'm nervous about these life changing experiences, and choices and am like holy emotional girl right now. and i hate playing the emotional girl card. I HATE it.

okay, ready? here it comes...

i am a homeowner.


well, i will be. by the end of the week or so. whenever chad and i can sign the paperwork
and im scared out of my mind. why do i have to fear the unknown? why does this have to seem like a means to an end of a life that i am living, versus just change that can be good? i hate my tears. they seem so... petty and ridiculous. i dont know. i dont know why ive been on this anti-grow up kick lately. it seems so... real i suppose. all these life altering changes, its like i feel like i am losing my independence or something. i dont know why i put my guard up lately to everything and anything. lately, its like i dont even know who i am, or where the real me has become. its like she is hidden behind this facade of something even i am unsure of.

does everyone feel like they may or may not be missing out on endless opportunities when they make a huge decision? or is just me looking for any reason to fear something? why do i seem to have bass ackwards reactions to things that are suppose to be like, the most exciting times in your life? marriage. home ownership. instead of excitement, i feel fear. because i dont know what is down the road. i get scared. of losing things that i have.... right now. the unknown makes me nervous. i dont do well with not knowing what is going to happen. and this isnt some week long hair color that you can wash out if you don't like it. this is the real deal. permanent. you don't like it, you're fucked. and stuck with it. for the rest of your life. well, maybe not the hair color. but, in the analogy... yeah. you get it.

gay boy love

so... i am going to take this opportunity to turn into a 13 year old girl.

I GOT ADAM LAMBERT'S AUTOGRAPH LAST NIGHT.
AHHHHHHHHHH!!

and... i think i am officially in love with a gay boy. is that bad? haha. sooo cute. and a.m.a.z.i.n.g.l.y. talented. but i will not use this space to drool over a never-gonna-happen-situation. although, i have to admit, getting his autograph and seeing all the american idols, definitely something to experience. and, here are some photos to PROVE that i was close. so yep. definitely lovin every minute of it. :D

im a nerd, what can i say.

home town memories

sometimes i think trying to go back and recreate the past can lead to sadness rather than happiness. living it up during the moment... best feeling in the world. but the minute it disappears... it's like instant loneliness and yearning. just for that time of innocence again. the childhood easiness of everything.

i have kinda decided i hate growing up. and i am pretty sure i knew that the minute the realization occurred when i was going to be out of school and the next logical step was a full time job for the rest of my life. i'm definitely holding on the my past. i'm scared of the future. is that bad? i want this happiness that i know exists. i feel like i have to juggle the things that make me happy in order to experience all of them. why can't it just be simple? i hate that down the road i will be forced to make certain changes. i should be okay with this, because the changes are going to be good. but i am holding on to the past, and the memories and the constant desire to recreate them and make more memories with past experiences in mind, only present. i need to let go.

wants/needs wants/needs wants/needs. sometimes it is hard for me to decifer between the two. when does it become wrong to go with the want rather than the need? it doesn't always make it bad, does it? one thing is for sure, i am determined to keep the wants that make me happiest, a common factor in my life. and for now, home town memories are pretty high on the list.

small town ignorance

ok. so, i am a pretty easy going person. i like to think i can see both sides of the story, and well, can at least LISTEN to what other people have to say, whether i may or may not agree... without getting all bent out of shape about it. for some people, i cannot say the same.

honestly... i am all about the small town bumpkin lifestyle, to each his own, right? i mean, i grew up in a semi-small town, and i turned out alright. but to those people who think the world revolves around your tiny little town... shame on you.

for those happy-go-lucky-mind-your-own-business tiny towners... (tho if i'm being honest, i don't think there is such thing as minding your own business in a small town, but, perhaps i am biased) i am not ragging on you. but those indiviuals who feel they have the RIGHT to act like jackasses or play a game to prove a point... not impressed. i just hate when people act as though if you dont follow their beliefs, or their mindset, they have the right to be rude and act out for what reason? give me a reason why you choose to be ignorant to a life you have chosen to ignore or seclude yourself from in the first place. seriously.

i dont want to judge, so, im not judging. and before my generalities get specific, i will end this. but that being said, thats my soap box for the day.

orchestrated chaos

as of late i have been feeling nostalgic. recently a lot of events in my life have inadvertently led me to reminisce about high school and sorta relive the past, but only this time around, i can, mold it the way i want it to be. in terms of where i want it to go. and hold on to things that i may have let go in the past. i have better intentions now, than i did then. or maybe i just know better. who knows. either way, i know when i have things in my life that matter, im not letting go.

my life is a whirlwind. of reality, dreams, and desires. its sometimes so... clustered i don't know where the line is drawn between each aspect. sometimes even i get confused of what direction im headed, and where i need to be, and what i should be thinking. most the time i say fuck the thinking part and just do. however, i can could give examples of how many times that may have turned out to be not the best of situations. live and learn... or, just live.

to complete the mess i have labeled as my life, i am definitely at a crossroads. pretty much when i thought things could not get any more crazy, they did. in the form of a huge fat diamond rock that lives on my left hand. don't get me wrong. im excited about the bling, and everything that goes along with it. but the reality of it definitely threw me for a while. im adjusting and accepting that less than a year from today i will no longer be living independently. it's definitely an adjustment that i have had to make in my head. we'll see how many tears i shed throught the planning process and leading up to everything that preludes the rest of my life.