helpless

Heart-strings pulling... in me

goodbye summer. hello fall.

i despise this time of year. i hate how it is so deceivingly pretty. with the colors. the smells. autumn. is. bittersweet. because it is only a tease. where it could be my favorite season.... it fails to bring any sort of happiness. it speaks so optimistically with its vibrant colors and chilly yet peaceful temperatures. only to be slapped in the face by the first epic michigan snowfall and winter blast that will throw us into the tundra of frostbit toes and shivering mornings.


falling.

the inevitable change of season leads to the inevitable depression i fall into every year around this time. i can feel it happening. usually, it sneaks up on me and just one day, i step outside, and bam. it's like there is no going back. it's pretty... and despite what people may think, or tell me... i fall into this deep dark hole. and want to stay there until the last icicle melts and i can welcome the may flowers.


wanting.

there are so many things i want right now.
1. to live somewhere will i didnt have to experience this recycled emotion every year at this time. however, i know it will never change. not the location. the feeling. not in this lifetime.

2. to be a physical presence in my friend's lives. i ache when i can't be there for them when they hurt. when they call me, needing me, my support, love, reassurance. my heart breaks, i want to wipe away their tears, and be there. physically. i hate that i can only do so much. i wish i could take away their sadness.

3. to be a better girl for my boy. he doesn't deserve my distance, my nonchalant reactions, my lack of enthusiasm for the things he schedules, plans, in hope for me to be happy. he deserves better than me. than who i am for him. i wish i could be everything he deserves.


tomorrow. tomorrow starts a new story.