optimistically pessimistic

It won´t ever change if you want it to stay the same

ok. i am going to attempt to change the pace a little here. and charge forward with the next couple paragraphs full of optimism. to an extent.

the false sunny disposition is NOT something that i welcome. true optimism is rare, and, i envy those who experience it. i am not one of them. but, i will allow myself to twist the truth and put a positive spin on it. another rare occurrence.


so. its almost for real. the finalization of this house process. it's almost done. in terms of papers being signed. and everything being legit. so... basically i am doing the entering the "next chapter of my life," mode. for real.

now, the real rachel would respond as follows:
a. im sad, because i dont like change and dont want to move from grand rapids
b. i hate the idea of being far away from... life. or the life that i have always led. in one aspect of another.
c. PERMANENT. CAN'T GET OUT. STUCK.

BUT, today i will do my best to... think positive about this terrifying soon-to-be purchase/investment/change of the rest of my life situation.

it will be fun to call something my own. to decorate. to make it mine. ours. to create a livable environment without ANY boundaries. i can do what i want! i should hire an interior decorator to make it modern and fabulous. it definitely has potential.

even tho it is sorta in the middle of no where, i am really excited to be able to offer my friends their OWN ROOM and their OWN SPACE when they come to see me. this excites me. i just hope they will still come to see me...

and THIS... THIS may be one of the biggest reasons i could allow myself to be excited... and its so small, it's probably ridiculous... but... i will no longer have to pay to do laundry! i will be able to do it in the comfort of my own house... whenever i want!!! no more dragging it from place to place to gt that shit done. AND it will be on the first floor. YAY!

but MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! this semi-optimistic rachel is confidant that if i don't want things to change... they dont have to. if i dont want to stop talking to my friends, if i dont want to stop living the life that i am living, if i dont want to change who i am... i don't have to. just because i may be changing my address, waking up in a different city, and eventually, changing my last name... it doesnt mean that i will be changing. i'm always going to be me. me. yes. me.