jealousy.

You're my head, You're my heart. You can't choose what stays and what fades away. And I'd do anything to make you stay

Jealousy is quite possibly one of the worst emotions one can experience. the power in which it engulfs you when you least expect it. the uncertainties of when it will go away. and the point blank reality that whatever it is that is causing you to feel this way is 99.9 percent of the time, is ultimately out of your control.

sometimes just a song, a name, a picture... will spark this lovely emotion and you just want to throw down your fists and throw a tantrum because you feel helpless to do anything else to make the feeling go away. the unintentional spite of those who are causing you jealousy spreads like fire when you suddenly feel heat and hatred towards these individuals and/or experiences.... and most often, they have no idea, or do not deserve your despise. 

the worst is when you have absolutely no right to be jealous over anything of the sort about whatever it is that you are jealous about. perhaps thats what create the jealousy to begin with. because you know you dont have the right. not that anyone ever has a "right" to be jealous. but sometimes, it can be argued to be justified. those situations where it's not. and you still are haunted by the unflattering emotion creates turmoil and misunderstanding for yourself and the people around you who are directly, or indirectly, affected by this parasite of an emotion.

its quite fascinating, really. to experience the pull of jealousy for the first time. a true lack of control emotion that slams against you over and over again like a switch that you aren't powering on and off, but someone else, something else, is, without even realizing what its doing to you.

keep fighting. don't let it win.

(perfectly) flawed

"When you lose track of time, that’s how you know that you’ve just been living inside it"

Removing yourself from your current life isn't always as glamorous as you may think. Living inside your dreamworlds may sound fantastic--escape the every day mundane tasks that are thrown your way. make your own choices, do what you want, where nothing else matters.

it gets difficult when you realize  you've lost sight of reality and desire. when you get so close to losing all rational thoughts and doing things without thinking of the consequences.  the struggle of finding your individuality and learning to love yourself and your current life is flawed when you see something that you are longing to experience. but cannot. why? because... i dont know if i have the answer to that.

The reason vacation goes so fast is because you're enjoying yourself. you lose sight of everything in your reality and disappear. the problem is, vacation is temporary. But, who says it has to be. Why can't your entire life be a vacation? Why can't you have the excitement, the giddiness, the happiness that you have during vacation, all the time?

without being literal, of course... this should be allowed. it should be... the truth. it should be the ideal for everyone. you shouldn;t have to look forward to something, someone, other than where you're currently at right now, in order to feel happiness. Why does it always have to be something that is temporary? happiness doesn't have to be a reward. 

i want to lose track of time wrapped up in the moment. i want my moment to last a life time. 

Passenger

There's nothing I can really say I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more. Got to be true to myself

Do you ever feel like you're just along for the ride... in your own life? someone else is in the driver's seat and you are at their disposal... you reach a destination that puts a smile on your face and you want to stay there forever... but eventually the driver puts on the brakes and drags you into the car and takes you back home. you just have to put on your seatbelt and endure the crash course back to your reality.

how do you put yourself in control, how do you take the wheel when for so long you have been satisfied by sitting in the passenger seat? you accepted going along for the ride, because there was no where else you thought you wanted to be. but now, you are fighting to steer your course into a different direction without any interruption.

Especially when the driver is someone you trust with your life. they've guided you so much as you have grown up, and they have impacted your life more than you ever thought imaginable. but it just gets to a point where you're too close, and you need to breathe.

its an ongoing struggle when there are so many different routes that you can take. you never know what one is the right one. if there is a right one. or, if you just take your leap of faith and do what you can with what route you choose.

that's the key, though. the route YOU choose. not anyone else. You only live ones. it's YOUR life, no one elses. in the end, you're the one who is living it. no one else.  you need to accelerate into the drivers seat and take control of the direction that you want to head. 

easier said than done.

truth.

do you ever feel like sometimes you missed out being who you were supposed to be because you were too busy being what everyone expected you to be?

Changing of the seasons

Can't help myself but count the flaws. Claw my way out through these walls. One temporary escape.

Driving the same route to work day after day, its impossible not to see the metaphoric change within the seasons. It's only July, and Fall is already creeping up with the growth of corn and other crops. it makes me itch with anticipation, knowing that all i need to do is blink, and everything has changed. Summer days are getting shorter already, and our sunlight is fading fast. Its like, all of a sudden you're living in one of the Earth movies, where the concept of birth, growth, and death happens in a matter of seconds, thanks to the new aged media technology.

Only, there is no technology that is speeding up the process of your own life. The seasons only represent the concept of time, that days, months, years, are passing, and there's nothing stopping them. They prove the point that nothing is permanent. Your sunbathing and enjoying the chaos around you, not thinking twice about what's next. because right now, summer is here. and all you care about is what is happening in that moment.

Until everything about your happy day turns on you within a blink of an eye. Suddenly, you're faced with a downpour of a storm, where mother nature is says fuck you, and laughs in your face for thinking for one second you could be happy. Despite the stubbornness of letting go and saying goodbye to summer, and hello to fall, or what have you... most people can find something to like about that moment in time. whether it's the snow. christmas, or family in the winter, or ice cream, bike rides, and sunbathing in the summer. There are things that you like... that you want... from each time of the year.

Sometimes, there are things you like, want, desire from different aspects of your life. does it make you extremely fucked up to want to live two entirely separate lives? That you can see the pros and cons of both options at your fingertips, but it's impossible to choose just one? You don't get to choose your season. You may have a favorite. but it doesnt last forever.

Maybe that's to be said about the people in your life. Your favorites make you happier than you ever thought possible. the feelings they can provoke in you, the power that they have to make them be constantly on your mind in one way or another, and all you can do is hope that maybe they are thinking about you for a second in return. and that everything you feel and want, isn't just going to waste, because all of a sudden the physical presence has been resorted to limited proximity.  But maybe... it fades for a reason. and maybe, you just need to move forward with what's right in front of you and accept the fact that society and modern day expectations are what you need to meet. The falsehood of what you feel is infuriating, but because of lifes turmoil and expectations and what have you, it's the only way you can survive is to fulfill and meet the needs of what is right in front of you. Even if you yearn to be free.

But who's to say the freedom would increase the smiles. Perhaps, the favoritism, and haunting feelings are only present because they can be. because, it's not something that can be at your fingertips all the time. because, it's just a temporary escape. and if it was a constant season... there would be no turning back. But how many times do you have to rest assured with what you have known for so long, not allowing yourself to even try to fail. Perhaps, that's the biggest failure of all.

Collisions

There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.


its easy to ignore things when you don't allow yourself to be put in the position to be reminded about the things you are missing.

So then, where is the crime. living the life you are living knowing deep down you aren't completely satisfied... or accepting the life you're living, because it's the path you have chosen... and yet  continuing to put yourself in the position of being reminded that you may be missing out on things.  allowing yourself to experiences things that you should have experienced a long time ago. but are limited due to the choices you've made.

do you owe it to yourself to move forward with this life in front of you because you made the choice. you're committed. you want deep down, to make things work, even if you know that something will forever be missing.  Can you live with that.

More importantly, do you want to. what gives. In the end, what will be the victor.  Who will win. And why do you always find yourself tumbling in this direction, in one way or another. right when you feel you've put it to bed, you have come to terms with things, it reenters your life. and rocks you like lightning.

The truth collides with your reality when you least expect it. or maybe, you do expect it. and maybe you need it to hit you a few times to jolt you out of your so called reality in order to realize your reality isn't yours, but everybody elses. How do you juggle your wants and your needs... plus the longevity expectations and desires.  How do you know when to take that step into the direction of the cold, dark alley where you, very well could alter your universe forever.

How selfish will you be. How many people are you willing to hurt, are you willing to turn against you. How many judgmental individuals will surface. How many people would you lose. and is it worth it... for a simple feeling?

Ultimatums

Coercing or leaving
Shutting down and punishing
Running from rooms, defending
Withholding, justifying


Do you ever just wake up and suddenly feel like you have opened your eyes for the first time. whether it's because of a feeling, and experience, or something unexplainable? Like one of those claritan commericals where suddenly you can see clearly now when the life you thought you were seeing was only a facade? yeah. that.

Sometimes, you gain a bit of courage that you always knew you had, but was never able to expose. You may not know where it comes from, or, perhaps, it's exactly that experience that has let out your inner strength. it's a strange feeling to suddenly feel numb about a situation that you know you should have very strong feelings about. But you're so numb, so mindblown, that you make your decision based on what you truly feel. rather than analyzing what's right or wrong. or what other people would expect you do do. For that moment, you don't fucking care about any consequences.

Strangely, it's a relief. to get it out. to explain how it is. and put your foot down. and say absolutely not. that you are finished. done. and nothing is going to change your mind. The calmness is creepy, when you make your statement about how serious you are about what it is that you are deciding. and leaving the door open for that person to do what it is they choose. to make the situation right, or to make it wrong, and incidently change the life as they know it forever. the life as i know it.

Done defending. Done playing games. Done feeling hopeless and depressed. This is day one. this is step one. where you choose to step next could be your destiny. you choose. 

forever young

And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world

 it seems fucked up that even though you may be getting older, your mentality often stays wherever you happiest. you don't  let yourself accept the fate of growing up, and experiencing new things, good/bad. because you're stubborn and want to live timelessly in the age of innocence. or, the age of simplicity, whichever you prefer.

someone asked me this weekend, "what do you do when you're married and don't have school or exams to worry about." my response? a hollow "nothing." it turned into a joke-- "i hung up a shower curtain today." or, "i baked cookies. woke up at 11 a.m." *laughter ensues* but in reality, it was one of the saddest revelations i could muster. the fact that it's true--your life halts and there's nothing left. apart from the mindless expectation of jobs, money, and living the corporate life.

i struggle so often with this concept that one day, it will shatter me into pieces. i don't know how long it will take to get there, or who will be there to pick up the pieces when it does happen--but it will. once and awhile, there will be things that make those doubts disappear. and i'll get wrapped up in whatever it is i am doing, and forget about the bigger picture. and, i'll take notice in the pleasures and simple things that are often happening right around you.

maybe, you need to stick with those moments in order to get by. the little things, whether or not they are a simple conversation, or an hour of entertainment and/or something other than sitting letting your head spin. losing yourself in these moments rather than losing yourself within your head--if only i could get lost in the happiness rather than the twisted mind of myself.

Crave

Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me 

it's the human condition to want what you can't have. to yearn for the comfort that you shouldn't want. you wish you could change it. you wish you had the ability ignore all of the nagging thoughts that linger in your head about what's right and wrong. if there is a right and wrong.

Can you see yourself in two entirely different situations, both with a smile on your face? how to you know which one makes you smile bigger than the other? what is it about the untouchable that makes you crave for it so badly. if it was at your fingertips and you could taste it, have it, do with it what you please, would you want it as badly as you do? or do you just THINK you want it.

take a step back. and think about that. if there were no consequences. no one to answer to. would you take what you want? would you abandon everything you have just cure your craving? what if it ends up being, entirely... unsatisfying. was it worth it?

evaluating what you  have, and appreciating what you can maintain relationship wise should be the focus, always. those moments where you have second thoughts, and feel perfectly content, and right about a situation... how do you know they will last. it's always a double edged sword. But, knowing you're thought about, and knowing that there's something intriguing about you that makes them want more... the fascination of attraction and ability to mold desires is... a liberating feeling.

So, crave. want. wish for it. because it keeps you alive.

Done

we arise and shed our ignorance proclaiming acts of tolerance

and generosity and patience this is the human condition

s.t.o.p. this feeling. now now now. i have to stop before it's too late. because i don't to deal with the repercussions.  my fault, my fault, my fault.

s.t.o.p. caring. it will only make things worse.

my human condition is to care unconditionally.  no one warned me i need to take a step back before pouring my heart out to someone. it only takes a moment for them to turn their back on you. for them to patiently listen no more.

the moments make my heart beat faster for they were entirely unexpected. i'm done with the rollercoaster. i am done expecting the inevitable doom of falling faster and faster until i head up just as quickly. there is no more excitement. gone.

s.t.o.p being the friend willing to bend over backwards and offer up anything and everything to make things better. no more patience, no more generosity. because in the end, it doesnt end up being better for yourself. and you rarely see it in return.

indestructible

I have been running my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

i am rarely without words. most of the time, give me a computer, a piece of paper, a pencil, and i will be lost in thought and focused on the words that just come naturally. except for the times when i'm literally too far lost in my head and don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on up there.

i feel like new beginnings come with subtle endings. and the struggle is making the new beginnings last longer than a beginning. there are the sudden moments where you know things have clicked, and have your relationship with someone has changed. and not necessarily a welcomed change. i often create scenes in my head that basically plays out what it is i'm feeling. and how it would look if it were happening right in front of me, rather than just happening without any control, or any truth. in my head, you are walking away. and i knew it was pretty much inevitable. that it would happen eventually. i can't hold on to everything forever. tears are falling down my face, but, i'm not so much noticing them. just noticing that you're leaving. and things will forever be different. i'm happy for you. but struggling to put everything into my past.

i hate that i can't press pause and hold on to the moments that i want to cherish and live in forever. the relationships get to be to a sort of imperfect perfection, and you feel yourself grinning as you wonder if it could get any better than what you have. you just keep living in the moment, running toward what's next, oblivious that it could halt you making you feel entirely empty and incomplete rather than closer or eager to find out what's next. making you question everything up to this point.

despite the unwelcome hurting, once and while, the relationships and the moments you felt had been filed away into something that used to be, resurfaces. the familiarity is overbearing, but in such a comforting way, you ache because you know it will only be for moments that this comfort and understanding will be within reach. being able to relive those moments makes all the bad ones go away, and the whirlwinds of anxiety, uncertainty about the things you cannot control are subdued because of the sudden outcome that is at your fingertips. and in that moment, you don't let go. in that moment, you realize that you're indestructible.

Miracles

the war outside our door keeps raging on hold onto this lullaby even when the music’s gone

this month has been a whirlwind of emotions. highs and lows, trials and triumphs. reuniting, reminiscing, yearning, missing, wanting... the list goes on.

However, despite my every day hurdles, my reality was shaken in such a way that i don't think many ever have the ability of experiencing, opening my eyes to the truths of things, rather than the little things that in the bigger picture, don't matter. I won't go as far to say this was a luxury, because in this certain situation, i would hardly consider it a luxury. but considering the proximity of things, and the challenges that arose... i'm able to put things into perspective.

I can't say how long this new found realization will last. most likely, once i have to experience first hand struggles, frustrations and hurt, i will lose all sense of this concept. but for now, i'm taking it with me as i continue to move forward to wherever it is i am headed.

miracles can happen in multiple forms to many different people. sometimes, the smallest act of kindness is a miracle, depending on the situation. it's entirely subjective. but i know for a fact that i have personally experience a fair share of miracles. and most recently, the life of a little girl who at one year old, is probably one of the strongest people i know. If only i could be as resilient as she is, in my petty every day drama.

But, not every emotion that i face is drama. it's entirely real, and i don't want to push it aside as though it means nothing. stepping up to the plate to offer the kindness and support to others is another miracle, one, that i hold close. Helping those i love when they need me most, gives me the reassurance that i matter. Being this support system for others as they face turmoil, as they grieve, and as they move past things out of their control, gets me through my every day drama. because the feelings they may be feeling are anything but fake. and me being able to give my encouragement, my words, and my understanding... is what i consider an important part of who i am. Perhaps, everyone is someone's miracle.

Awakening

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine. You think your dreams are the same as mine

it's amazing the emotions that surface when you feel the concept of warmth again. You are awakened from this slumber you may not have even known you were in. it's like you are suddenly light on your feet, and are moving easily through the motions. that little bit of sunlight is reason enough to have a cheery disposition.

This--is my favorite time of year. when the sun peeks around the clouds reminding you there is something beyond the snowy, miserable days that have been haunting us since November. These first few days where you tentatively roll down your car window, hoping you won't jinx it. You turn your radio up just a little bit louder, which for some reason always makes things a little better. you cross your fingers that maybe... you have turned the corner and you can kiss the cold goodbye until 6 months later... and open your arms and be eased into the concept of no coats and sunglasses.

along with the sunny skis brings sunny memories. not only is your mood awakened, but your thoughts and dreams as well. last year's summertime comes crashing back, the smiles you shared, the love you gave, and the ease of falling into the arms of the people you love. your dreams come back in full force, and you allow yourself to fall back and consider making them a reality. wishing for the love and support from those select few people who could lay next to you and dream right there with you. Whether you wish and hope for the same outcome, the changing of the seasons is just the excuse you need to close your eyes and take yourself there.

Justified Emotions

The sky could be blue, I don't mind. Without you it's a waste of time

i'm an unfair person sometimes. or maybe, i'm just too wrapped up in the way things are and refuse to realize that things change. I take advantage of the relationships i have, and expect them to be lifelong. forever.

but then that moment happens. where you find something out that you really have no business being upset about. none at all. but that pang of jealousy, sadness and uncertainty hits you like a ton of bricks, and all of a sudden you're uneasy. and unsure. and not sure how to respond. especially, since its anything but bad news. in fact, for the person you love, it is potential life changing happy news. but again. it alters your universe just a little bit. so you are left with a bitter taste in your mouth.

the morality of relationships have boundaries, but sometimes those boundaries are just guidelines. and well adjusted to. until the exponential factor, the variable that you didn't count for enters the equation and everything is off kilter. the unsettling feeling that never existed, appears and the fidgeting begins and words get lost.

You adjust. you have to adjust, otherwise, say goodbye to anything and everything that ever was. molding yourself to the new guidelines and expectations is hard, and it hurts, but to savor anything... it's a must. to justify the strength of the relationship is put to the test, but if you can hang on to that same goal in mind, that without each other, everything is just a waste of time, you'll find the solution to any equation.

idiocracy

we kill what we build because we own the sky

i have a really big problem with ignorant people. i like to think that i am a open person, someone with an open mind, and can allow myself to see both sides to any situation. i like to think that makes me a welcoming person. someone that anyone would feel comfortable talking to. that i am someone who will not judge you. no matter what it is you may have done or not done.

but there are some individuals that i just cannot tolerate. i wont say that their opinions don't matter, because that is the definition of an opinion, everyone has them. but the way that certain individuals blast their thoughts, feelings about politics, religion, freedom, and whatever else there is to debate, is disgusting.

to those of you who wish to spout on your racist/non-racist comments, i beg of you to think twice. because you are often times not well spoken, don't know proper English or grammar, and end up looking like a fool. and i pity you. and all of your friends who agree with the garbage that is coming out of your mouth. when you choose to make yourself heard, at least be big enough to spell check your words, and do it in an intelligent manner. I consider myself a lucky person not to have to associate with you on an every day basis.

to those of you who feel entitled to things, big or small, shame on you. because here's a little secret. you're not any better than the next person who thinks they deserve whatever it is they deserve. and thinking that you matter more, makes you a little person. Take your entitlement elsewhere. because it isn't welcome.

we have so much power as individuals that we take it to the extreme. and all of these great things that are within our reach, crumble because we feel so powerful that nothing will harm us. its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. because this i promise you, there is a bigger picture that your own little life. try caring about someone else's feelings for a change. and understand that once and while, when you spout out shit that you think is making a grand statement, that perhaps, it's not so grand. and in the end, it makes you look like the idiot.

victorious

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Like resignation to the end, always the end

A wise person recently told me that those relationships in your life that are meant to last, will conquer the hardest trials. Distance, heartache, and need will not destroy, but triumph. and holding on to this will help you to gain confidence and strength in yourself.

Nostalgia can be counterproductive. getting lost in what used to be, and being stuck in what you wish was true, but in reality, is something of your past, can be unhealthy. You can become addicted to this feeling of wanting, yearning, and desire for the relationships that used to be. As you move forward in your life, you will come to the realization that some relationships are unhealthy for you, and your best option is to move past them. It's frustrating. hard to accept. and sometimes, you may not want to accept it. But it's part of growing up.

Reaching out and admitting you need reassurance, a little love and tenderness from those who will never leave your side is something you shouldn't be ashamed of. apologizing for needing to hear the voice of those people that will help pick you up, are words you should never mutter. Because it is they who are ready to stand up to the plate to be that strength for you when you need them for. It is they who choose to be victorious and come out to bat for you. to do, to say, to be whatever it is you need them to be at those moments. The appreciation is unspoken, knowing that they can help you be yourself. and feel confident in who you are. and who you want to be. After all, what are friends for?

self worth

I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a girl that can ever be defined

what are your feelings, and emotions worth to you. Is there a price tag that is steep enough to have you taking a step back and realizing, perhaps this isn't worth it. It's not in my budget to move forward with this. I'd be better off not spending my money on it. or, my efforts. courage. strength. and understanding.

i know what it's like to love someone who perhaps doesn't deserve it. but sometimes, it's all you got. yearning for any kind of attention, whether it's positive or negative is what the day becomes about. anything other than the monotonous thing called life. Whatever you have to do to stir the pot, to create some animosity, to create any sort of rift in the tide to remind yourself you care.

but then it hits. and you want to run away. which, is partially why you helped to create this situation in the first place. because you need a reason to escape. to find yourself again. because one day you wake up and you don't know where you went. and how to come back.

i want to go back. just for a moment. just for a day. for a week. i need to go back to be reminded that i can still be me, despite all the obligations that are now called life. i need a vacation from myself. to find myself again, to reassure myself that i exist somewhere in here. that the things that believe in, the people i believe in, that they believe in me too, and it's not just one sided. Because i hold on to these truths, and these facts deep down. and when i start to second guess everything that i know, i feel myself crumble, scrambling for something to hold on to. something, or someone that i used to know.

take it all

It's going to be an empty road without me right here beside you

It's back.

i couldn't ignore it forever. as much as i tried, as much as i forgot about it, and moved forward. it came back. the hollow emptiness that i have tried so hard to fill. but i know it can never be filled with anything but you.

i wish i could go back to those moments and relive them over and over again. and remember what it was like to feel like i mattered. things change. as much as i try to prevent them from doing so, reality kicks in and life moves on. you're forced to ride the current, or you'll drown. but once and a while you feel yourself treading water, standing still, and yearning to go backwards and make everything go away, but those moments.

where have you gone? where have we gone? i want to go back to the way things used to be. for you. for me. for us. i am so lost with where to go from here. the circle of life tells me one thing, my mind tells me another. will i always struggle with this conflict of what i think i want, and what im getting.

you choose the path you take. you do. and i know i won't always be your priority. i don't have the luxury of that, as much as i would relish it. but you're taking it all away. everything we had, when we only had each other. the overall situation, wasn't positive. but us... we were real. and established a bond that no one can break. no one, but ourselves.

you are taking it all away. and when you wake up out of your cookie cutter life, you will find out i'm no longer standing next to you. and you too will feel empty. and realize it was you who took it all away. you'll panic. feel that rush of sadness. and reach out. the difference is, when you cry for help... and i'll be running back to catch you.