i'll be your someone

all i need is to be loved for me


sometimes i don't know how to read people. and, that's usually something i pride myself on. sometimes i want to be encouraging. i want to coax things out that may need to out in the open that may not be. i just want to be supportive, really.

but sometimes i just go to far with things. and, i need to learn to pick up on signals that are basically screamed in my face. "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" or something along those lines. in other words,

back. the. fuck. off.

i wish i could.

or, let me say, i wish i could without feeling hurt. i really need to get over that. because i can't be who i want to be if i am just going to end up feeling sorry for myself when things dont have a happy ending. not saying everything needs to. or should. the caring needs to stop somewhere. and i need to realize that i will be caring more, if i let things be.

stop. nagging.
stop. pestering.
patience.
impatience.
stop. asking. questions.

stop.
stop.
stop.

i just need to learn to be loved the best way i can be. and not demand things. because, it wont get me anywhere. being loved in any way, shape, or form, needs to be good enough. i can't have it all, every time, with every person. people are different. i need to accept what they can give.

and, let them know subtly, obviously, whatever way i can, in whatever way i can, that i will always be their someone. if they want me to be. it's always their choice. not mine.

need me.

What hurts so much is knowing we are free


im anxious. unsettled. i dont like today. i feel so unraveled. i dont know why. it keeps getting stronger. i want to escape this. i want out. i want to feel something other than nerves and unexplained anger and sadness.

i let things bother me too much. things that aren't even my control. things that aren't even my life's worry. but i make them mine. and get attached. too attached. and feel the falling. when it falls. and falls. and falls.

i cant keep the tears in. and i dont know who they are falling for. myself, or you. if they are angry tears, or sad tears. if they are angry, its my fault. because i let myself get this way. because i am selfish about silly things. things that i definitely shouldn't be selfish about. if i cared as much as i claim to, i wouldn't be upset by lame reasons.

it's just my stupid need for reassurance. and gratification. the desperation to know that im worth it. that i'm somebody. that im different than the next person. that i offer more than the next person. that i'm not just another person.

the need to be needed.

smashing pumpkins

i cant escape this feeling. memories. smashing pumpkins. ahhhhh!


"Disarm"

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you

mirror mirror on the wall...

i can feel it in my bones....


have you ever felt connected? just to someone in a way you cannot describe? it's almost eerie. but, comforting... when you talk to someone and they just KNOW. when you feel a certain way. it's like looking into a mirror and talking to yourself. but, the best part is, it ISNT yourself... yet, this person, reacts, and, responds... and gives you sympathy, gives you strength... and just says the right words... the way you would respond, if you were the listener.

but, even with the comfort of a sudden cloning, so it seems, the tears have been threatening. random bouts of crying spurts just happen. when i least expect them. i feel the need to be talking to someone at all times. or, at least. communicating, somehow. i feel unstable, in the sense that i just have that NEED. even if i have nothing particular to say, or, talk about... the voice. the calming. the... understanding or, even distraction of whatever it is i have in my life... and, lately.. you... just make it calm.

i want to look at myself and see my reflection. and see it smiling back at me. i want to FEEL it. deep down. i'm looking forward. and hoping for the right outcome.

bend me, break me

I think I'm paranoid
And complicated

this will not be another cliche entry about the new year, new resolutions, and commitments and change. because, frankly, i have had enough change, and this year will bring forth more, i already know. Because, in the end, the whole concept of a new year, and a new beginning.... its all the same. every day is a new beginning, and there is nothing stopping you from making tomorrow, or whenever, your... fresh start.

that being said... some beginnings are better than others. i woke up last night in a panic, for whatever reason, i dont know. i just get so.... anxious and have anxiety attacks when i least expect them. it almost happened in the middle of the day at work, too. i get paranoid. and nervous about alll the things i need to accomplish. and i start to shut down. lately, it seems to just hit me all at once, when i least expect it. which makes it harder to get over.

i dont know how flexible i can be, how far i can bend, before i end up breaking. in one way or another. something will disapear. and i think i know this. which leads to... nerves. i make this out to be much harder than it needs to be.

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

i accept the challenges and uncertianties. because one thing i DO want to take with me this year, is the acceptance that with the good, comes the bad. and, without sounding preachy sometimes the bad ends up being more of an experience than the good. im ready to give it a go. because no matter what, no matter how complicated it becomes, i am me when the sun comes up, and i'll be the same when the sun goes down.