Flow sweetly hang heavy you suddenly complete me
i dont really appreciate being judged by people who aren't my friends. who only know me through a professional relationship. please keep your comments to yourself unless i ask for your advice. because i don't have to explain myself to you. and i dont like feeling guilty and being lectured by how i am feeling.
why is it when the people i do care about and i know care about me, are distracted with their own lives and choose not to see that i need their love and understanding? i shouldn't have to ask for their reassurance or love. i should be able to receive it any time, any place. but yet, i find myself begging for it... and never quite getting what i need from you.
it's times like this i wish i could tell you how much you really complete me. how lost i would be without you. and, how i wish you would respond the way i need you too. so i can feel like it isn't all for nothing. even when i may not act the way i should. or the way you want me too. it's times like this when i wish you would just answer your phone. and be able to read me. and tell me everything i need to hear.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
it's all gonna break
I know that the sound of his heart is a god I can trust
what happens when the link that you think is so strong that keeps you connected to everything you know is going to break? your past, and even what you are struggling to consider your present? the solidification that you knew SO much about something. when you realize maybe you don't know as much as you think you do? when you sense it weakening. and the satisfaction you get underneath everything else isn't going to last much longer.
'm probably smarter than i let on. the things i know, the things i see the things that will always stay inside my head are most likely fascinating to many people. i can see through you.
everyone has a motive to why they do what they do. whether it is good, bad, or indifferent. it's there. somewhere. stronger at times, yes. disapears entirely? i don't think so. you want what you can't, and you can't because of fear.
i'm always going to come out on top of the games you play. because i never switch teams. the tricks are tricky, but i'm trickier. my trust is solid. and it is always his.
what happens when the link that you think is so strong that keeps you connected to everything you know is going to break? your past, and even what you are struggling to consider your present? the solidification that you knew SO much about something. when you realize maybe you don't know as much as you think you do? when you sense it weakening. and the satisfaction you get underneath everything else isn't going to last much longer.
'm probably smarter than i let on. the things i know, the things i see the things that will always stay inside my head are most likely fascinating to many people. i can see through you.
everyone has a motive to why they do what they do. whether it is good, bad, or indifferent. it's there. somewhere. stronger at times, yes. disapears entirely? i don't think so. you want what you can't, and you can't because of fear.
i'm always going to come out on top of the games you play. because i never switch teams. the tricks are tricky, but i'm trickier. my trust is solid. and it is always his.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Repressed
Everything has been said before. There's nothing left to say anymore when it's all the same
i revisited my past yesterday. and by my past, i mean, months ago. it's crazy to think how much things can change within only a few months time. what makes me sad is that things slip through my fingers that i cannot control. and, what makes it worse, is i dont even realize it is happening. or has happened. then, it makes me sad. because i want to saviour the moments. and, a lot of times i dont realize they are worth saviouring until they are gone.
but as much as things change, somethings seem to stay the same. stagnate. why does it seem like the things that should change, are the ones that dont? and the things that do... are the things that i dont want to?
i really am falling into this. im living inside my head. more and more each day. my feelings/thoughts aren't legit. or, i feel like they aren't. i have no right to feel a certain way sometimes. and it annoys me that i do. i can only replay the thoughts and emotions so many times without sounding repetitive. so why even tallk anymore. there's no point in talking. not when it's the same story over and over again. only i can change the ending.
i revisited my past yesterday. and by my past, i mean, months ago. it's crazy to think how much things can change within only a few months time. what makes me sad is that things slip through my fingers that i cannot control. and, what makes it worse, is i dont even realize it is happening. or has happened. then, it makes me sad. because i want to saviour the moments. and, a lot of times i dont realize they are worth saviouring until they are gone.
but as much as things change, somethings seem to stay the same. stagnate. why does it seem like the things that should change, are the ones that dont? and the things that do... are the things that i dont want to?
i really am falling into this. im living inside my head. more and more each day. my feelings/thoughts aren't legit. or, i feel like they aren't. i have no right to feel a certain way sometimes. and it annoys me that i do. i can only replay the thoughts and emotions so many times without sounding repetitive. so why even tallk anymore. there's no point in talking. not when it's the same story over and over again. only i can change the ending.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
mega dreamer. minor moments
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
in about 40 minutes, i am going to be a new person.
because it will be official, i will be the next mega millions winner.
fat chance, right? yeah. most likely. but, i like to dream that i can be.
and it is pretty sad how much a bunch of money could change my life.
but, i'm sure i'm not alone with that sentiment.
my favourite moment of the day is right before i fall asleep.
because i feel like i can control my dreams. it's like, that limbo
before you are actually are unconscious, but still awake
enough to know what is going on. and, it's different than just getting
lost in your own thoughts. because daydreaming just doesn't do justice
to the REAL dreams. but, it's like those few moments everything just
seems to be heightened. your thoughts, feelings. i just feel vulnerable.
more sensitive. more emotional. everything is more. it's those few
moments where i can make my fantasy my wants that i may never
experience, seem real. in my head i can control the reactions.
the feelings of others. they can respond the way i want them to.
the way i imagine them responding in my head.
maybe i can dream that winning all that money will buy me
what it is i am looking for.
maybe if i think hard enough, i can dream it in my
unconscious dreams, too.
or maybe, i can just go into that moment and not come back.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
flashback
Step out in a crazy world but then the sun resets your mind
i normally relate nostalgia to good memories. like, past feelings, emotions, experiences that i wish back. that i could live over again.
today, my nostalgia was anything but.
it sorta happened throughout the day... bittersweet. almost wishful. until the painful reminder about how that whole situation turned out.
but it was later when it really struck me hard. when i least expected it. the... remembering of the part i try to forget. that i pretty much HAD forgotten. it came crashing down. and i pretty much hated myself. and you. for making me feel that way. even tho i know you would have no idea. you would have no idea in the first place, because i would never have shared how it made me feel then. so why would you have any idea now.
to be fair, its not really your fault, but mine. i control my reactions and how i respond to things. no one else has that control. so, i can't be that upset. it was just a flashback. to a feeling i dont really like to remember. so, i'll just hit reset. and erase that part. it's what i do best.
i normally relate nostalgia to good memories. like, past feelings, emotions, experiences that i wish back. that i could live over again.
today, my nostalgia was anything but.
it sorta happened throughout the day... bittersweet. almost wishful. until the painful reminder about how that whole situation turned out.
but it was later when it really struck me hard. when i least expected it. the... remembering of the part i try to forget. that i pretty much HAD forgotten. it came crashing down. and i pretty much hated myself. and you. for making me feel that way. even tho i know you would have no idea. you would have no idea in the first place, because i would never have shared how it made me feel then. so why would you have any idea now.
to be fair, its not really your fault, but mine. i control my reactions and how i respond to things. no one else has that control. so, i can't be that upset. it was just a flashback. to a feeling i dont really like to remember. so, i'll just hit reset. and erase that part. it's what i do best.
Friday, March 19, 2010
control me. i dare you.
don't take advantage of me because you know how much i care.
i wont let you hurt me. by needing me when you are at your lowest only to ignore me when you get back on your feet again.
yah. i hate it more than anything. it makes me feel like shit. because i hold my friends at a pretty fucking high pedestal. higher than i should probably. you of all people should know this. so maybe it is partially my fault. but when they blow me off... after needing me. depending me... and i create that relationship in my head, that need to be needed the everything. the lifeline.. it hurts. it hurts to go through the emotional rollercoaster with you. aching for you, wishing i could do anything to take your pain away, whilst knowing i do everything in my power to make it okay... wont ever be enough... and only to eventually be written off. as an afterthought. yeah. doesnt feel so hot.
im really sick of waiting around for people. im sick of being ignored. i didnt do anything to deserve this. even if you dont agree with my choices and certain decisions i make, it hurts to know you could just not think twice about me. and us. im so glad that people can get over their grudges and your everythings to try and reassure me that you still care.
thanks. glad i wasted my time.
i wont let you hurt me. by needing me when you are at your lowest only to ignore me when you get back on your feet again.
yah. i hate it more than anything. it makes me feel like shit. because i hold my friends at a pretty fucking high pedestal. higher than i should probably. you of all people should know this. so maybe it is partially my fault. but when they blow me off... after needing me. depending me... and i create that relationship in my head, that need to be needed the everything. the lifeline.. it hurts. it hurts to go through the emotional rollercoaster with you. aching for you, wishing i could do anything to take your pain away, whilst knowing i do everything in my power to make it okay... wont ever be enough... and only to eventually be written off. as an afterthought. yeah. doesnt feel so hot.
im really sick of waiting around for people. im sick of being ignored. i didnt do anything to deserve this. even if you dont agree with my choices and certain decisions i make, it hurts to know you could just not think twice about me. and us. im so glad that people can get over their grudges and your everythings to try and reassure me that you still care.
thanks. glad i wasted my time.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Psuedo-Addiction
Doesn't seem like anything you're saying or doing or doing is making any sense
i'm finished trying to understand certain things and situations. it just gives me headaches and leads to me xanax.
seriously. i dont want to know. it's a whirlwind of opinions and everythings circling around inside my head. my responses are always uncertain. i shouldnt have to tip toe around these things. but, i do.
if i could learn how to do one thing, it would be to not take things personally. especially situations that don't even involve me directly, only indirectly at the discretion of someone else. It is not my place to put myself first, when in reality, it doesn't have anything to do with me.
And that's only one example.
conversations, especially through text messages or emails or instant messages--must learn not to take personally. it's often impossible to read the context of certain things, and if i cannot read their context, they obviously can't see my reaction. so, being hurt over something without even commenting about it.... won't do anyone any good. it will only lead me to the bottle. yet again, xanax, here i come.
Another thing that often erupts is the flood of anxiety. my favourite friend. ironically, despite the fact that i feel helpless, worthless, and like nothing i can do will ever calm me down, the nice thing about my anxiety is i cant eat. and find myself getting skinny. so, i suppose if there is any bright side, there you have it. but the feeling of just unknowing, panic... guh. just thinking about it makes me twitch. Better take two X for that.
Basically, i have come to the conclusion that i just dont understand the motivation behind people's drive to do certain things, to be a certain way, to hold on to things that should be let go. but, who am i to judge that? who am i to say that you aren't making sense and you are wrong? i'm not. and i wouldnt be me if i did. because tho it may not make sense to me, or anyone else for that matter, it doesnt really need to. I'm sure a lot of things in my life dont make sense to anyone but me. and i am okay with that, and dont feel the need to explain it, or myself.
in reality, i dont take xanax. or any sort of anxiety drug. but, im pretty sure if i ever did... i would become addicted. because i am addicted to my friends, my family, my love... and i would do whatever it takes to do whatever i can to better a situation for someone i love. even if it means sacrificing my own sanity.
i'm finished trying to understand certain things and situations. it just gives me headaches and leads to me xanax.
seriously. i dont want to know. it's a whirlwind of opinions and everythings circling around inside my head. my responses are always uncertain. i shouldnt have to tip toe around these things. but, i do.
if i could learn how to do one thing, it would be to not take things personally. especially situations that don't even involve me directly, only indirectly at the discretion of someone else. It is not my place to put myself first, when in reality, it doesn't have anything to do with me.
And that's only one example.
conversations, especially through text messages or emails or instant messages--must learn not to take personally. it's often impossible to read the context of certain things, and if i cannot read their context, they obviously can't see my reaction. so, being hurt over something without even commenting about it.... won't do anyone any good. it will only lead me to the bottle. yet again, xanax, here i come.
Another thing that often erupts is the flood of anxiety. my favourite friend. ironically, despite the fact that i feel helpless, worthless, and like nothing i can do will ever calm me down, the nice thing about my anxiety is i cant eat. and find myself getting skinny. so, i suppose if there is any bright side, there you have it. but the feeling of just unknowing, panic... guh. just thinking about it makes me twitch. Better take two X for that.
Basically, i have come to the conclusion that i just dont understand the motivation behind people's drive to do certain things, to be a certain way, to hold on to things that should be let go. but, who am i to judge that? who am i to say that you aren't making sense and you are wrong? i'm not. and i wouldnt be me if i did. because tho it may not make sense to me, or anyone else for that matter, it doesnt really need to. I'm sure a lot of things in my life dont make sense to anyone but me. and i am okay with that, and dont feel the need to explain it, or myself.
in reality, i dont take xanax. or any sort of anxiety drug. but, im pretty sure if i ever did... i would become addicted. because i am addicted to my friends, my family, my love... and i would do whatever it takes to do whatever i can to better a situation for someone i love. even if it means sacrificing my own sanity.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
step into my shoes
i wish there was a visible line that i could see when i know i crossing the limit. to certain situations. how far will i go to help someone, to be there for someone, to earn the trust of someone, whilst ignoring the obvious. and the ones that really matter. how can i inadvertently hurt someone i would do anything for... by trying to be there for someone else?
i hate to think i could be hindering something. putting a bump in the road to something i am so certain about. even if it isnt obvious. i need to open my eyes and see the entire picture. rather than just what is right in front of me. because there is always more to what is currently going on.
i can't be there for everyone. i can't ruin good things, things that will never compare to what matters most.
what is done, is done. i cannot blame myself for how things are now. it cannot be changed. i dont regret things. but i wish i could have stepped into your shoes and looked at it from your perspective. i may have did things a little differently.
imsorry.
i hate to think i could be hindering something. putting a bump in the road to something i am so certain about. even if it isnt obvious. i need to open my eyes and see the entire picture. rather than just what is right in front of me. because there is always more to what is currently going on.
i can't be there for everyone. i can't ruin good things, things that will never compare to what matters most.
what is done, is done. i cannot blame myself for how things are now. it cannot be changed. i dont regret things. but i wish i could have stepped into your shoes and looked at it from your perspective. i may have did things a little differently.
imsorry.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
explosives.
there's no one here and people every where
i went to the mall today. for the first time in a long time. i felt it was something to distract me from the nothingness going on my life. it was a madhouse. it was like the day before christmas. the parking lot was packed. it took me 20 minutes to find a parking spot. i walk in to be swarmed with people shopping, getting their make-up done at the macy's counters and in line at dressing rooms. i was surrounded by people. i had to maneuver my way around children, and families, and everyone who decided the mall was the place to be this afternoon.
i have never felt more alone in my entire life.
i'm really reaching the end of my ropes when it comes to certain situations. i just dont want to play these fucking games anymore. maybe it's me, but i feel myself getting easily irritated. and it's beginning to bother me. i shouldn't fucking care. i really shouldnt. but, sometimes, its sorta a slap in the face. even tho, i have no say in what is right and what is wrong. all i know is this:
i can have my opinions.
period.
im sick of being second guessed. im sick of second guessing myself. i feel like deserve something. ANYTHING positive in my life right now. i'm so sick of being let down, and not being picked back up again.
i just want to explode and be something new. i want to not have any regrets and do and say whatever the hell i want. i dont want to answer to anyone but myself.
i went to the mall today. for the first time in a long time. i felt it was something to distract me from the nothingness going on my life. it was a madhouse. it was like the day before christmas. the parking lot was packed. it took me 20 minutes to find a parking spot. i walk in to be swarmed with people shopping, getting their make-up done at the macy's counters and in line at dressing rooms. i was surrounded by people. i had to maneuver my way around children, and families, and everyone who decided the mall was the place to be this afternoon.
i have never felt more alone in my entire life.
i'm really reaching the end of my ropes when it comes to certain situations. i just dont want to play these fucking games anymore. maybe it's me, but i feel myself getting easily irritated. and it's beginning to bother me. i shouldn't fucking care. i really shouldnt. but, sometimes, its sorta a slap in the face. even tho, i have no say in what is right and what is wrong. all i know is this:
i can have my opinions.
period.
im sick of being second guessed. im sick of second guessing myself. i feel like deserve something. ANYTHING positive in my life right now. i'm so sick of being let down, and not being picked back up again.
i just want to explode and be something new. i want to not have any regrets and do and say whatever the hell i want. i dont want to answer to anyone but myself.
Friday, February 5, 2010
:: lost :: come find me.
is it just for show
just a foolish game that you hide behind
i dont know whats going on today. i just feel entirely... lame. and i dont care. and dont feel like doing anything. and, i dont want to do anything. i dont even want to not want to do anything. if that makes sense.
normally, i miss things. people. experiences. memories. and i yearn for that feeling that i recognize and i always know where i can find it. but today... i dont even know what that feeling is. it's like my insides are hollow with no emotion to wanting, no nothing. it's almost like i could really stop caring. and that's way out of my realm. to stop caring. even if i wanted to. i dont know how to.
but i miss things. i really do. i miss when things didnt matter. i miss being young. and innocent. and niave to the real things in life. i miss my rebel days. i miss my sassy attitude. i miss major/minor details of growing up.
i hope i can shake this emptiness. this feeling of being lost. it is unsettling. and so not me. i want to dig deep. and smile. and be found.
just a foolish game that you hide behind
i dont know whats going on today. i just feel entirely... lame. and i dont care. and dont feel like doing anything. and, i dont want to do anything. i dont even want to not want to do anything. if that makes sense.
normally, i miss things. people. experiences. memories. and i yearn for that feeling that i recognize and i always know where i can find it. but today... i dont even know what that feeling is. it's like my insides are hollow with no emotion to wanting, no nothing. it's almost like i could really stop caring. and that's way out of my realm. to stop caring. even if i wanted to. i dont know how to.
but i miss things. i really do. i miss when things didnt matter. i miss being young. and innocent. and niave to the real things in life. i miss my rebel days. i miss my sassy attitude. i miss major/minor details of growing up.
i hope i can shake this emptiness. this feeling of being lost. it is unsettling. and so not me. i want to dig deep. and smile. and be found.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
i'll be your someone
all i need is to be loved for me
sometimes i don't know how to read people. and, that's usually something i pride myself on. sometimes i want to be encouraging. i want to coax things out that may need to out in the open that may not be. i just want to be supportive, really.
but sometimes i just go to far with things. and, i need to learn to pick up on signals that are basically screamed in my face. "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" or something along those lines. in other words,
back. the. fuck. off.
i wish i could.
or, let me say, i wish i could without feeling hurt. i really need to get over that. because i can't be who i want to be if i am just going to end up feeling sorry for myself when things dont have a happy ending. not saying everything needs to. or should. the caring needs to stop somewhere. and i need to realize that i will be caring more, if i let things be.
stop. nagging.
stop. pestering.
patience.
impatience.
stop. asking. questions.
stop.
stop.
stop.
i just need to learn to be loved the best way i can be. and not demand things. because, it wont get me anywhere. being loved in any way, shape, or form, needs to be good enough. i can't have it all, every time, with every person. people are different. i need to accept what they can give.
and, let them know subtly, obviously, whatever way i can, in whatever way i can, that i will always be their someone. if they want me to be. it's always their choice. not mine.
sometimes i don't know how to read people. and, that's usually something i pride myself on. sometimes i want to be encouraging. i want to coax things out that may need to out in the open that may not be. i just want to be supportive, really.
but sometimes i just go to far with things. and, i need to learn to pick up on signals that are basically screamed in my face. "I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" or something along those lines. in other words,
back. the. fuck. off.
i wish i could.
or, let me say, i wish i could without feeling hurt. i really need to get over that. because i can't be who i want to be if i am just going to end up feeling sorry for myself when things dont have a happy ending. not saying everything needs to. or should. the caring needs to stop somewhere. and i need to realize that i will be caring more, if i let things be.
stop. nagging.
stop. pestering.
patience.
impatience.
stop. asking. questions.
stop.
stop.
stop.
i just need to learn to be loved the best way i can be. and not demand things. because, it wont get me anywhere. being loved in any way, shape, or form, needs to be good enough. i can't have it all, every time, with every person. people are different. i need to accept what they can give.
and, let them know subtly, obviously, whatever way i can, in whatever way i can, that i will always be their someone. if they want me to be. it's always their choice. not mine.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
need me.
What hurts so much is knowing we are free
im anxious. unsettled. i dont like today. i feel so unraveled. i dont know why. it keeps getting stronger. i want to escape this. i want out. i want to feel something other than nerves and unexplained anger and sadness.
i let things bother me too much. things that aren't even my control. things that aren't even my life's worry. but i make them mine. and get attached. too attached. and feel the falling. when it falls. and falls. and falls.
i cant keep the tears in. and i dont know who they are falling for. myself, or you. if they are angry tears, or sad tears. if they are angry, its my fault. because i let myself get this way. because i am selfish about silly things. things that i definitely shouldn't be selfish about. if i cared as much as i claim to, i wouldn't be upset by lame reasons.
it's just my stupid need for reassurance. and gratification. the desperation to know that im worth it. that i'm somebody. that im different than the next person. that i offer more than the next person. that i'm not just another person.
the need to be needed.
im anxious. unsettled. i dont like today. i feel so unraveled. i dont know why. it keeps getting stronger. i want to escape this. i want out. i want to feel something other than nerves and unexplained anger and sadness.
i let things bother me too much. things that aren't even my control. things that aren't even my life's worry. but i make them mine. and get attached. too attached. and feel the falling. when it falls. and falls. and falls.
i cant keep the tears in. and i dont know who they are falling for. myself, or you. if they are angry tears, or sad tears. if they are angry, its my fault. because i let myself get this way. because i am selfish about silly things. things that i definitely shouldn't be selfish about. if i cared as much as i claim to, i wouldn't be upset by lame reasons.
it's just my stupid need for reassurance. and gratification. the desperation to know that im worth it. that i'm somebody. that im different than the next person. that i offer more than the next person. that i'm not just another person.
the need to be needed.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
smashing pumpkins
i cant escape this feeling. memories. smashing pumpkins. ahhhhh!
"Disarm"
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
"Disarm"
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
Monday, January 11, 2010
mirror mirror on the wall...
i can feel it in my bones....
have you ever felt connected? just to someone in a way you cannot describe? it's almost eerie. but, comforting... when you talk to someone and they just KNOW. when you feel a certain way. it's like looking into a mirror and talking to yourself. but, the best part is, it ISNT yourself... yet, this person, reacts, and, responds... and gives you sympathy, gives you strength... and just says the right words... the way you would respond, if you were the listener.
but, even with the comfort of a sudden cloning, so it seems, the tears have been threatening. random bouts of crying spurts just happen. when i least expect them. i feel the need to be talking to someone at all times. or, at least. communicating, somehow. i feel unstable, in the sense that i just have that NEED. even if i have nothing particular to say, or, talk about... the voice. the calming. the... understanding or, even distraction of whatever it is i have in my life... and, lately.. you... just make it calm.
i want to look at myself and see my reflection. and see it smiling back at me. i want to FEEL it. deep down. i'm looking forward. and hoping for the right outcome.
have you ever felt connected? just to someone in a way you cannot describe? it's almost eerie. but, comforting... when you talk to someone and they just KNOW. when you feel a certain way. it's like looking into a mirror and talking to yourself. but, the best part is, it ISNT yourself... yet, this person, reacts, and, responds... and gives you sympathy, gives you strength... and just says the right words... the way you would respond, if you were the listener.
but, even with the comfort of a sudden cloning, so it seems, the tears have been threatening. random bouts of crying spurts just happen. when i least expect them. i feel the need to be talking to someone at all times. or, at least. communicating, somehow. i feel unstable, in the sense that i just have that NEED. even if i have nothing particular to say, or, talk about... the voice. the calming. the... understanding or, even distraction of whatever it is i have in my life... and, lately.. you... just make it calm.
i want to look at myself and see my reflection. and see it smiling back at me. i want to FEEL it. deep down. i'm looking forward. and hoping for the right outcome.
Monday, January 4, 2010
bend me, break me
I think I'm paranoid
And complicated
this will not be another cliche entry about the new year, new resolutions, and commitments and change. because, frankly, i have had enough change, and this year will bring forth more, i already know. Because, in the end, the whole concept of a new year, and a new beginning.... its all the same. every day is a new beginning, and there is nothing stopping you from making tomorrow, or whenever, your... fresh start.
that being said... some beginnings are better than others. i woke up last night in a panic, for whatever reason, i dont know. i just get so.... anxious and have anxiety attacks when i least expect them. it almost happened in the middle of the day at work, too. i get paranoid. and nervous about alll the things i need to accomplish. and i start to shut down. lately, it seems to just hit me all at once, when i least expect it. which makes it harder to get over.
i dont know how flexible i can be, how far i can bend, before i end up breaking. in one way or another. something will disapear. and i think i know this. which leads to... nerves. i make this out to be much harder than it needs to be.
b.r.e.a.t.h.e.
i accept the challenges and uncertianties. because one thing i DO want to take with me this year, is the acceptance that with the good, comes the bad. and, without sounding preachy sometimes the bad ends up being more of an experience than the good. im ready to give it a go. because no matter what, no matter how complicated it becomes, i am me when the sun comes up, and i'll be the same when the sun goes down.
And complicated
this will not be another cliche entry about the new year, new resolutions, and commitments and change. because, frankly, i have had enough change, and this year will bring forth more, i already know. Because, in the end, the whole concept of a new year, and a new beginning.... its all the same. every day is a new beginning, and there is nothing stopping you from making tomorrow, or whenever, your... fresh start.
that being said... some beginnings are better than others. i woke up last night in a panic, for whatever reason, i dont know. i just get so.... anxious and have anxiety attacks when i least expect them. it almost happened in the middle of the day at work, too. i get paranoid. and nervous about alll the things i need to accomplish. and i start to shut down. lately, it seems to just hit me all at once, when i least expect it. which makes it harder to get over.
i dont know how flexible i can be, how far i can bend, before i end up breaking. in one way or another. something will disapear. and i think i know this. which leads to... nerves. i make this out to be much harder than it needs to be.
b.r.e.a.t.h.e.
i accept the challenges and uncertianties. because one thing i DO want to take with me this year, is the acceptance that with the good, comes the bad. and, without sounding preachy sometimes the bad ends up being more of an experience than the good. im ready to give it a go. because no matter what, no matter how complicated it becomes, i am me when the sun comes up, and i'll be the same when the sun goes down.
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