Psuedo-Addiction

Doesn't seem like anything you're saying or doing or doing is making any sense

i'm finished trying to understand certain things and situations. it just gives me headaches and leads to me xanax.

seriously. i dont want to know. it's a whirlwind of opinions and everythings circling around inside my head. my responses are always uncertain. i shouldnt have to tip toe around these things. but, i do.

if i could learn how to do one thing, it would be to not take things personally. especially situations that don't even involve me directly, only indirectly at the discretion of someone else. It is not my place to put myself first, when in reality, it doesn't have anything to do with me.

And that's only one example.

conversations, especially through text messages or emails or instant messages--must learn not to take personally. it's often impossible to read the context of certain things, and if i cannot read their context, they obviously can't see my reaction. so, being hurt over something without even commenting about it.... won't do anyone any good. it will only lead me to the bottle. yet again, xanax, here i come.

Another thing that often erupts is the flood of anxiety. my favourite friend. ironically, despite the fact that i feel helpless, worthless, and like nothing i can do will ever calm me down, the nice thing about my anxiety is i cant eat. and find myself getting skinny. so, i suppose if there is any bright side, there you have it. but the feeling of just unknowing, panic... guh. just thinking about it makes me twitch. Better take two X for that.

Basically, i have come to the conclusion that i just dont understand the motivation behind people's drive to do certain things, to be a certain way, to hold on to things that should be let go. but, who am i to judge that? who am i to say that you aren't making sense and you are wrong? i'm not. and i wouldnt be me if i did. because tho it may not make sense to me, or anyone else for that matter, it doesnt really need to. I'm sure a lot of things in my life dont make sense to anyone but me. and i am okay with that, and dont feel the need to explain it, or myself.

in reality, i dont take xanax. or any sort of anxiety drug. but, im pretty sure if i ever did... i would become addicted. because i am addicted to my friends, my family, my love... and i would do whatever it takes to do whatever i can to better a situation for someone i love. even if it means sacrificing my own sanity.