imposter

"Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people."

i crave acceptance. understanding. love. reassurance. CONFIDENCE. but what i yearn for most is happiness. for me. and nobody else. i fear the cohesiveness of the american dream lifestyle and the constant pattern of life and the smile that will be plastered to my face. i fear hiding behind a mask that will never reveal my true self to those who need to see it most.

my passion to what is real is almost too intense for even me. how can who i am and what i feel be too intense for my own good? how do i get myself into these situations, where my fears, worries, and insecurities get the best of me. sometimes, i see myself as the same person i was seven years ago, as a teenager, lost in the world of unknowns. only, the world suddenly got a lot bigger. and failure was more than a red letter on your test or book report.

i dont want to make real decisions that have a lasting effect on the rest of my life. if i could avoid that whole scenerio, im pretty sure i could eliminate a million of the nerves that seem to creep up on me and twist and turn inside making me the way i am. i dont want to be a ghost of myself. but i also know that i need to face the real world. and stop whining. and grow some balls. or, the female comparison to balls in that context. some days i need to pull my head out of the clouds and be me.