how can something that is suppose to be such a good thing, turn into one of the scariest things in the world? why why why can't i accept the fact that changes don't have to do be a bad thing? i have definitely accepted the fact that i don't adapt well to change. at all. seeeeeriously.
so... i pretty much turned from child to grown up in like .2 seconds. at least, that's what it felt like. holy whirlwind and life changing experiences happening within a weeks time span. like, i feel like i can't handle all of this right now. i'm nervous about these life changing experiences, and choices and am like holy emotional girl right now. and i hate playing the emotional girl card. I HATE it.
okay, ready? here it comes...
i am a homeowner.
well, i will be. by the end of the week or so. whenever chad and i can sign the paperwork
and im scared out of my mind. why do i have to fear the unknown? why does this have to seem like a means to an end of a life that i am living, versus just change that can be good? i hate my tears. they seem so... petty and ridiculous. i dont know. i dont know why ive been on this anti-grow up kick lately. it seems so... real i suppose. all these life altering changes, its like i feel like i am losing my independence or something. i dont know why i put my guard up lately to everything and anything. lately, its like i dont even know who i am, or where the real me has become. its like she is hidden behind this facade of something even i am unsure of.
does everyone feel like they may or may not be missing out on endless opportunities when they make a huge decision? or is just me looking for any reason to fear something? why do i seem to have bass ackwards reactions to things that are suppose to be like, the most exciting times in your life? marriage. home ownership. instead of excitement, i feel fear. because i dont know what is down the road. i get scared. of losing things that i have.... right now. the unknown makes me nervous. i dont do well with not knowing what is going to happen. and this isnt some week long hair color that you can wash out if you don't like it. this is the real deal. permanent. you don't like it, you're fucked. and stuck with it. for the rest of your life. well, maybe not the hair color. but, in the analogy... yeah. you get it.
No comments:
Post a Comment