repetition

i am not my own, for i have been made new

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. i am over waiting. waiting for what, i couldn't tell you. when i look forward to something, and it happens, i am living what i have been waiting for, for, however long it lasts... i find myself just letting it pass by, only to desperately seek something else to look forward to. does that make sense? i guess it doesnt have to. it makes sense to me. in my head. in my head i just continue going in circles. i go through the motions. never really accomplishing anything. ask me what my greatest accomplishment is, i couldn't tell you. sure, i could respond with the expected, "bachelor's degree" or whatever. but, really, i think my greatest accomplishment is surviving this repetition known as my life.

i wonder if it is possible to live a life without the inevitable routine that you claim as your own. not that routines are always a bad thing, but, when they become as anti climatic, without any detours as mine has seem to become... i don't really think it is a GOOD thing. Sure, you can argue that my life is anything but repetitious right now, i mean hell, i am practically a home owner, and, i will be getting married next year. how much out of the norm do i need? but in the big scheme of things, it's all part of the large routine. the big picture. my life has pretty much followed the idealistic course that one would hope. school. college. job. marriage. home. children. and so on. is that so bad? i mean, seriously. i could take a step back and think of all the people out there who yearn for my life, my... everything. perhaps i create the complexity for myself. considering so many people would give anything to have the ability to spend the rest of their life with the person they can't imagine their life without. for whatever reason, something is preventing them from doing so. to those people who would give anything for a college education/degree... but again, for whatever reason, they haven't had the opportunity or ability to make that happen. where do i get off complaining about my life? im sure it makes me sound as petty and shallow as the people i despise.

so perhaps i should take this repetition, this circle of life that i have made my own, as a blessing. i mean, who says the grass is always greener on the other side?