sometimes, it just hits you. and when it does, you totally don't expect it. in fact, sometimes you look forward to a situation, an outing, and when it turns out to be something you least expected... everything his the fan.
today marks a milestone, or, revelation, that i honestly was worried i would never have. well, parts of it. the oh-so-friendly feeling of loneliness i unfortunately am all too familiar with and is never easy to deal with. but i suppose i deserve it. maybe i deserve all of it. maybe, i've reached the point where i have to fully accept it. and move on.
i just don't know how. i don't know how to be okay with this, and how to fill these shoes. i wish i could make everyone happy. i wish i could make myself happy. it teases me. for seconds, minutes hours, even a day... i am happy and smiling for numerous reasons. but eventually it all comes crashing down, and the reasons that made me smile in the first place, turn out to be the reasons i frown and cry. the reasons that make me feel so lost and unsure of myself and everything that i fear is happening and has to happen, is. and that im losing myself entirely.
the taste of it lingers, the giddy feelings and thoughts are still hopeful. and yet the whole package is so close. but unreachable. . every time. the anticipation stays the same... maybe i'll get to feel that feeling sooner than let myself believe. maybe it's time i accept these milestones as the truth, and stop trying to live in the past
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