Enabler

And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this...



I want to be a good person. More than anything I want people to be proud of me. I want to be thought of as a positive truly good person. I have good intentions. i never set out to maliciously harm anyone. hurt anyone. in fact, it's always completely the opposite. i go out of my way to be there for people.

the problem is in reality, i cannot fix anyone. i cannot change anyone's life story. nor should i want to. I cannot be in 12 different places at once. i cannot snuff out all the fires of everyone's lives. though i want to. tho i try. tho i'd give anything in my power to do so.
this mentality can get me in trouble. my efforts do not go unnoticed. for which i am grateful. but sometimes things can go to far. things can get messy. the waters can get muddy. and i don't know how to find solid ground. I just keep sinking in this quick sand that i have somehow created. 

it's true that i often times encourage these types of relationships. situations. i never mean to cause anyone any grief. or give anyone the wrong impression. but needless to say, it happens more times than not. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to be a good person. to want to help. to want to put myself out there to be a support system, without getting burned in the end. nice guys (girls) always finish last. 

I need to stop enabling these situations. it doesn't do anyone any good. the reality is that i cannot make other people happy all the time. and when i get too focused on making others happy, i lose myself. and in the end, the person i am trying to make happy... loses themselves too. and in the end, only ends up getting hurt because i will reach a point where i cannot do it anymore. and i'll walk away. and this hurts more than the initial pain they are feeling.

i found gratitude in getting out a long lasting situation such as this. someone elses happiness became more important than my own. and the tangled web continued until i was choking. I feel like i am making strides to getting out of that stickiness. but there are moments when i close my eyes and everything is still the same. different place. different people. same dilemmas. same problems. same potential crazy. and i'm the only common factor.

i don't know how to be anyone else but me. and that part of me is wrapped in to who i am. i feel like it makes me who i am. but there's a part of me that gives me a bad taste in my mouth. i dont know how to ditch the generosity. the caring part of who i am. and use it only for the good of people. and know when it turn it off. when it stops helping. 

i need to learn to walk away.