come to me i'll take care of you protect you
so, in the spirit of halloween and dressing up as someone, or something you're not, i decided i would pretend to be superhuman. except, i would be myself. with super human powers. such as healing the people i care about. physically, mentally, and emotionally. andddd make it so i could be with them whenever i wanted. so there was no such thing as distance. :)
but that's what it is all about, right? pretending. escaping reality for a while? with candy and sweets as a bonus? man, i think halloween just became my favorite holiday.
but.. like every holiday, it's a one day thing. it doesnt last forever. the pretending, the laughing, and the dress up goes away and gets packed up again until next year. not to be thought about again.
i defy the rules though. my powers stay with me all year round. well, if i had them. and, in reality, the desire to have them and be always be there. and always be true. im babbling and not making sense. but, without any metaphors or comparisons-- i want to always do whatever i can above and beyond normalcy to heal. cure. fight. for you. :)
<3s>
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
the follow through
chronic confrontation, psychic conversation radical compassion louder than action
i want to know when enough is enough. when do people put their foot down and actually take a stand against what they believe in. i really, do want to know. because i know i am guilty of never taking real action either. I may be confident after the fact. but the next time something happens and i claim that that is it, the end, i'm not doing it anymore.... never seems to pan out that way. because most times i am in exactly the same position as i was before the situation happened. perhaps a little smug and/or triumphant, or on the flip side, discouraged and upset about the outcome. but either way, it comes down to one thing: the resolutions.
but these resolutions... are part time. a band aide. is it really just possible to love some so much that you put yourself aside to do whatever it is you have to do to make that person happy? even if it means compromising everything that you know... that is you? how many apologies have to be made, promises have to be broken, feelings have to be hurt, and tears have to be shed before you commit to the end. the acceptance.
is it just part of a twisted comfort? that, despite the fact that you may get hurt continually, that you feel like a broken record, constantly explaining yourself. wishing for the listening to be the understanding, that you hold on to that dreaded falling of the heart. the frustrations. the angry tears.. because it is just what you feel is... so... habitual? that it's become so ingrained in your life routine, that you immune to anything other than that feeling. give yourself the confidence you deserve and take that step. follow through with your initial reactions. listen to your gut. listen to yourself. put your foot forward and do just that. move forward. the reaction
no. not, i don't think it is a comfort. it's just the motions we go through, the feelings we endure for the people we love. plain and simple.
i want to know when enough is enough. when do people put their foot down and actually take a stand against what they believe in. i really, do want to know. because i know i am guilty of never taking real action either. I may be confident after the fact. but the next time something happens and i claim that that is it, the end, i'm not doing it anymore.... never seems to pan out that way. because most times i am in exactly the same position as i was before the situation happened. perhaps a little smug and/or triumphant, or on the flip side, discouraged and upset about the outcome. but either way, it comes down to one thing: the resolutions.
but these resolutions... are part time. a band aide. is it really just possible to love some so much that you put yourself aside to do whatever it is you have to do to make that person happy? even if it means compromising everything that you know... that is you? how many apologies have to be made, promises have to be broken, feelings have to be hurt, and tears have to be shed before you commit to the end. the acceptance.
is it just part of a twisted comfort? that, despite the fact that you may get hurt continually, that you feel like a broken record, constantly explaining yourself. wishing for the listening to be the understanding, that you hold on to that dreaded falling of the heart. the frustrations. the angry tears.. because it is just what you feel is... so... habitual? that it's become so ingrained in your life routine, that you immune to anything other than that feeling. give yourself the confidence you deserve and take that step. follow through with your initial reactions. listen to your gut. listen to yourself. put your foot forward and do just that. move forward. the reaction
no. not, i don't think it is a comfort. it's just the motions we go through, the feelings we endure for the people we love. plain and simple.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
my words
I am a writer, writer of fictions and I've written pages upon pages
today, i miss writing.
i miss writing for a newspaper. seeing my name on a byline. having something of substance to write about, rather than taking words and putting them from one promo to another adding a concept or two. *yawn*
i wrote a feature piece today. and i couldn't believe how easily i was able to bust out a quality piece of work. my feature pieces are so few and far between... sometimes i forget how much i enjoy it. it's like i never had a happy medium. it was like i was writing either every second, of every day in addition to school and everything else.... or now, once or twice.. in, well, a long while.
it's weird. when i was doing it all the time, i had no confidence in what i did. now, that i rarely get the opportunity to produce what i know i can.... i feel so... experienced when i get the opportunity. it makes me want to take charge of my job more.. and be assertive. and do things my way. it makes ME want to be a leader. me want to take charge. make it mine. and just tell everyone else to just deal. and changes are going to be made. and it is going to be my way. being able to be creative, and write the leads and follow-ups and a solid conclusions... i feel triumphant. and when i get that confident, no one is going to change my work. edits, yes. re-writes, no. i am my own editor. THAT is the bonus of my job. I call the shots. my newsletters. my words. my choice.
today, i miss writing.
i miss writing for a newspaper. seeing my name on a byline. having something of substance to write about, rather than taking words and putting them from one promo to another adding a concept or two. *yawn*
i wrote a feature piece today. and i couldn't believe how easily i was able to bust out a quality piece of work. my feature pieces are so few and far between... sometimes i forget how much i enjoy it. it's like i never had a happy medium. it was like i was writing either every second, of every day in addition to school and everything else.... or now, once or twice.. in, well, a long while.
it's weird. when i was doing it all the time, i had no confidence in what i did. now, that i rarely get the opportunity to produce what i know i can.... i feel so... experienced when i get the opportunity. it makes me want to take charge of my job more.. and be assertive. and do things my way. it makes ME want to be a leader. me want to take charge. make it mine. and just tell everyone else to just deal. and changes are going to be made. and it is going to be my way. being able to be creative, and write the leads and follow-ups and a solid conclusions... i feel triumphant. and when i get that confident, no one is going to change my work. edits, yes. re-writes, no. i am my own editor. THAT is the bonus of my job. I call the shots. my newsletters. my words. my choice.
Monday, October 19, 2009
rightandwrong
you can do nothing wrong, in my eyes
sometimes i just don't know where to begin. so many thought swimming around, but, i don't really know how to put them down on paper. (er, screen? whatever)
is it possible to get too involved in something? hm. sometimes i think i need to learn when it take a step back. just with... everything. i want to make things better. not worse.
love, love, i want your loveeeeeee....!!!!!!!! i want your love i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance....!!!
sorry. mid gaga interruption... btw-- if you haven't heard her new single, Bad Romance-- i suggest listening to it... PRONTO!! why? because i said so. that's why! need you need any more reason? that's what i thought.
yeah. so pretty much. i struggle with what is right and wrong sometimes. you'd think it'd be simple. i mean, we are all taught right from wrong when we are kids. but yet, people constantly make the wrong choices. but you know what? sometimes i welcome the wrong. because, it makes you a well-rounded person. how can you have an opinion on anything... anything at all without experiencing some sort of hardship, turmoil... frustrations... in your life? i wouldn't want constant happiness. good thing, since, we all know how my happiness radiates through these entries.
and even with all the so called wrong choices i may have made in my life... my real friends, they will be there. always. nothing could turn them away from me. well, almost nothing. but, for my sanity's sake, we'll say nothing. because, if i begin to think of reasons for them to shut their doors to me, i pretty much would have major panic attacks and feel entirely out of control of everything. yeahh.... i pretty much dont want to have that feeling. so, we'll stick with my reals will always be real. always be mine. always be.
i may never find the answer. i may never find the cure. but i will always be here.
sometimes i just don't know where to begin. so many thought swimming around, but, i don't really know how to put them down on paper. (er, screen? whatever)
is it possible to get too involved in something? hm. sometimes i think i need to learn when it take a step back. just with... everything. i want to make things better. not worse.
love, love, i want your loveeeeeee....!!!!!!!! i want your love i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance....!!!
sorry. mid gaga interruption... btw-- if you haven't heard her new single, Bad Romance-- i suggest listening to it... PRONTO!! why? because i said so. that's why! need you need any more reason? that's what i thought.
yeah. so pretty much. i struggle with what is right and wrong sometimes. you'd think it'd be simple. i mean, we are all taught right from wrong when we are kids. but yet, people constantly make the wrong choices. but you know what? sometimes i welcome the wrong. because, it makes you a well-rounded person. how can you have an opinion on anything... anything at all without experiencing some sort of hardship, turmoil... frustrations... in your life? i wouldn't want constant happiness. good thing, since, we all know how my happiness radiates through these entries.
and even with all the so called wrong choices i may have made in my life... my real friends, they will be there. always. nothing could turn them away from me. well, almost nothing. but, for my sanity's sake, we'll say nothing. because, if i begin to think of reasons for them to shut their doors to me, i pretty much would have major panic attacks and feel entirely out of control of everything. yeahh.... i pretty much dont want to have that feeling. so, we'll stick with my reals will always be real. always be mine. always be.
i may never find the answer. i may never find the cure. but i will always be here.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
i am.
the impossible is possible tonight
i am happy. :)
don't blink.
i can't promise how long it will last.
i am happy. :)
don't blink.
i can't promise how long it will last.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
soothe me
one day you will blossom one day, one day when you're ready
i'm never going to grow up.
i just decided this.
instead of worrying about all the grown up things, responsibilities and the commitment that goes along with being :: gasp :: an adult, i am just not going to do it. done.
hello peter pan, i'll be your wendy.
so what if i'm not ready to accept these so called grown up responsibilities? is that a crime? i'm 24 years old! i have the rest of my life to be an adult. who determines what age you suddenly have to transform from a adolescent to an adult with an adult-like life?
does. not. want.
so what if i am frustrating? if i make things difficult? it's not i set out to do these things. that, it is on my agenda to intentionally cause hurt or sadness. what about me? can't i be selfish? don't i deserve to be vocal about my own life and what i want?
can i just be perfect in my imperfections?
i'm never going to grow up.
i just decided this.
instead of worrying about all the grown up things, responsibilities and the commitment that goes along with being :: gasp :: an adult, i am just not going to do it. done.
hello peter pan, i'll be your wendy.
so what if i'm not ready to accept these so called grown up responsibilities? is that a crime? i'm 24 years old! i have the rest of my life to be an adult. who determines what age you suddenly have to transform from a adolescent to an adult with an adult-like life?
does. not. want.
so what if i am frustrating? if i make things difficult? it's not i set out to do these things. that, it is on my agenda to intentionally cause hurt or sadness. what about me? can't i be selfish? don't i deserve to be vocal about my own life and what i want?
can i just be perfect in my imperfections?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
teeter totter
when you're feeling sad and blue you should know that you are the sun and the moon to me
today has been a shitty day. well, not entirely. but, a lot of it. i feel so swallowed by everything right now! my emotions are torn, and i just need to b.a.l.a.n.c.e. everything.
how do i let myself go on these emotional rollercoasters? I hate rollercoasters in the literal sense. and i can't seem to get off this ride. it's an endless amusement park trip gone bad. honestly.
i feel like i learn more and more each day that i honestly cannot control my reactions to certain situations. and it seems like i ALWAYS have the wrong reactions. like, when i should be extremely happy, i panic. when i should be sad. or wishing for happiness... i rather wallow in the sadness or, whatever feeling it is that i am feeling.
why does it seem that everything good in my life has to be altered on one way or another? i feel so secure about certain relationships i have, friendships... levels of these friendships... and within a blink of an eye, its like, holy wow. what happened? did i imagine EVERYTHING that happened between us? how can something so REAL so.... routine and desirable so comfortable on both ends... just disappear?
balance. no extremes. focus. relax. accept. understand... i dont have to have my feet up off the ground all the time, in limbo, waiting for someone to sit on the other side of my teeter totter to balance it for me. with the effort, i can find myself on solid ground.
somehow.
today has been a shitty day. well, not entirely. but, a lot of it. i feel so swallowed by everything right now! my emotions are torn, and i just need to b.a.l.a.n.c.e. everything.
how do i let myself go on these emotional rollercoasters? I hate rollercoasters in the literal sense. and i can't seem to get off this ride. it's an endless amusement park trip gone bad. honestly.
i feel like i learn more and more each day that i honestly cannot control my reactions to certain situations. and it seems like i ALWAYS have the wrong reactions. like, when i should be extremely happy, i panic. when i should be sad. or wishing for happiness... i rather wallow in the sadness or, whatever feeling it is that i am feeling.
why does it seem that everything good in my life has to be altered on one way or another? i feel so secure about certain relationships i have, friendships... levels of these friendships... and within a blink of an eye, its like, holy wow. what happened? did i imagine EVERYTHING that happened between us? how can something so REAL so.... routine and desirable so comfortable on both ends... just disappear?
balance. no extremes. focus. relax. accept. understand... i dont have to have my feet up off the ground all the time, in limbo, waiting for someone to sit on the other side of my teeter totter to balance it for me. with the effort, i can find myself on solid ground.
somehow.
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