everybody loves a redhead

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of

so, i did it. i made the bold move. i dyed my hair. for the first time, in my entire life. i was nervous. but, now, it's liberating. let's hope the beloved boy shares my sentiments. i'm going to assume a big fat no on that one. but, let's hold our breath and keep our fingers crossed.

lately, i feel out of words. hence the lack of blogging, and the lack of everything. it's like, bam, all of a sudden real life happened and im forced to go with it. why why why. ugh ugh ugh.

you know what? i wish i was funny. i wish i could turn this blog that is depressing full or random repitition, into a humorous hilarious blog. like the many that exist. sigh. i wish i could have SOME sort of talent when it comes to that. rather than the talent of writing about depressing things, and just analyzing every thought that ive ever had. that's a pretty worthwhile talent if you ask me. yay!

you know what else? i wish i was confident. about everything that i do. my looks, my life, my everythings. i feel as tho this impromptu mini make-over will help. i just hope it's a lasting effect, and not temporary. maybe i'll go shopping and buy a new outfit. not that the new hair, and new coach purse wasn't enough. :p but that's besides the point. humor and confidence. two things i wish upon a star for. or, i wish for when i feel the absence of them.

but for now, i'm looking through a new set of eyes. with a new head of hair.

think before you speak

i don't know what's right and what's real anymore

is there only one right and wrong answer to every situation? can there be exceptions? how many different ways do you have to analyze something before you convince yourself that the solution you have come to may not be the "right" one, but one you can tell yourself you are okay with.

or is it the right one? because it's the one you chose? can that alone make it the right one? okay, hypocritical here with the constant analyzing. so, i'm done.

but honestly, sometimes i just need to sit back and THINK a little before i react to something. even though i think the initial reaction most times, is the REAL one, because it is the first though that comes to mind. but, in some situations, maybe that first reaction and thought process isn't the one that should be.... shared at that moment. at least, to a certain vocal extent.

basically it boils down to as much as i would like to steer clear of analyzing things, and claim that i dont, it's inevitable, i do. it's like im programmed to function that way. but it really isn't about me. indirectly, obviously, since its my blog and, obviously i write what is on my mind. it's about me and my reactions. my responses. my... action to the situations i am put it. I need to learn when to be passive, and when to be aggressive.

starting now.

pause.

Close your eyes not your mind. Let me into your soul



wowowow. i feel like i took a short detour to my life last week. tho, not my choice. 
being sick is never fun. tho, i almost think it was good for me... so i could subconsciously let my mind
forget about the things that i am going to end up giving myself an ulcer over. because i dont have as
much control as i would like to believe.

being sick for 3 days allowed me to watch all my old school favorite daytime shows, full house, ER,
saved by the bell. I sorta felt like Zack Morris when he says "time out" and everything pauses until
after he addresses the camera, or his audience and, he has the control to say "time in" again.
strangely, i am rather calm about everything that could potentially be considered chaotic or rather big
steps or changes that will be happening in two weeks. which, to most, is no big deal. but as many of
you know... most minor things are major with me. and major things are earth shattering.

not saying im dramatic. or, have a false sense of reality, really. yah, perhaps i tend to avoid reality at
times... but it doesn't mean i am not aware of it. i just... well, you know. i'm me. that's really all
there is to it. :p

basically, despite the difference i may be feeling right now about things, i've learned that i may be able
to close my eyes.. for long periods of time to escape things. and, i may take more detours, (hopefully
more desirable ones, and not bedridden ones...) but in the end, when i wake up, everything will still
be here. i cant shut off my mind, my heart, my thoughts. even if i do push them aside for a while,
whether it is on purpose, or not. and, i'm okay with that.

and, can i just say, that i <3 adam lambert and his new song? soooo sexy. (don't make fun!) :D

superhuman

come to me i'll take care of you protect you


so, in the spirit of halloween and dressing up as someone, or something you're not, i decided i would pretend to be superhuman. except, i would be myself. with super human powers. such as healing the people i care about. physically, mentally, and emotionally. andddd make it so i could be with them whenever i wanted. so there was no such thing as distance. :)

but that's what it is all about, right? pretending. escaping reality for a while? with candy and sweets as a bonus? man, i think halloween just became my favorite holiday.

but.. like every holiday, it's a one day thing. it doesnt last forever. the pretending, the laughing, and the dress up goes away and gets packed up again until next year. not to be thought about again.

i defy the rules though. my powers stay with me all year round. well, if i had them. and, in reality, the desire to have them and be always be there. and always be true. im babbling and not making sense. but, without any metaphors or comparisons-- i want to always do whatever i can above and beyond normalcy to heal. cure. fight. for you. :)

<3s>

the follow through

chronic confrontation, psychic conversation radical compassion louder than action

i want to know when enough is enough. when do people put their foot down and actually take a stand against what they believe in. i really, do want to know. because i know i am guilty of never taking real action either. I may be confident after the fact. but the next time something happens and i claim that that is it, the end, i'm not doing it anymore.... never seems to pan out that way. because most times i am in exactly the same position as i was before the situation happened. perhaps a little smug and/or triumphant, or on the flip side, discouraged and upset about the outcome. but either way, it comes down to one thing: the resolutions.

but these resolutions... are part time. a band aide. is it really just possible to love some so much that you put yourself aside to do whatever it is you have to do to make that person happy? even if it means compromising everything that you know... that is you? how many apologies have to be made, promises have to be broken, feelings have to be hurt, and tears have to be shed before you commit to the end. the acceptance.

is it just part of a twisted comfort? that, despite the fact that you may get hurt continually, that you feel like a broken record, constantly explaining yourself. wishing for the listening to be the understanding, that you hold on to that dreaded falling of the heart. the frustrations. the angry tears.. because it is just what you feel is... so... habitual? that it's become so ingrained in your life routine, that you immune to anything other than that feeling. give yourself the confidence you deserve and take that step. follow through with your initial reactions. listen to your gut. listen to yourself. put your foot forward and do just that. move forward. the reaction

no. not, i don't think it is a comfort. it's just the motions we go through, the feelings we endure for the people we love. plain and simple.

my words

I am a writer, writer of fictions and I've written pages upon pages

today, i miss writing.

i miss writing for a newspaper. seeing my name on a byline. having something of substance to write about, rather than taking words and putting them from one promo to another adding a concept or two. *yawn*

i wrote a feature piece today. and i couldn't believe how easily i was able to bust out a quality piece of work. my feature pieces are so few and far between... sometimes i forget how much i enjoy it. it's like i never had a happy medium. it was like i was writing either every second, of every day in addition to school and everything else.... or now, once or twice.. in, well, a long while.

it's weird. when i was doing it all the time, i had no confidence in what i did. now, that i rarely get the opportunity to produce what i know i can.... i feel so... experienced when i get the opportunity. it makes me want to take charge of my job more.. and be assertive. and do things my way. it makes ME want to be a leader. me want to take charge. make it mine. and just tell everyone else to just deal. and changes are going to be made. and it is going to be my way. being able to be creative, and write the leads and follow-ups and a solid conclusions... i feel triumphant. and when i get that confident, no one is going to change my work. edits, yes. re-writes, no. i am my own editor. THAT is the bonus of my job. I call the shots. my newsletters. my words. my choice.

rightandwrong

you can do nothing wrong, in my eyes


sometimes i just don't know where to begin. so many thought swimming around, but, i don't really know how to put them down on paper. (er, screen? whatever)

is it possible to get too involved in something? hm. sometimes i think i need to learn when it take a step back. just with... everything. i want to make things better. not worse.

love, love, i want your loveeeeeee....!!!!!!!! i want your love i want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance....!!!


sorry. mid gaga interruption... btw-- if you haven't heard her new single, Bad Romance-- i suggest listening to it... PRONTO!! why? because i said so. that's why! need you need any more reason? that's what i thought.

yeah. so pretty much. i struggle with what is right and wrong sometimes. you'd think it'd be simple. i mean, we are all taught right from wrong when we are kids. but yet, people constantly make the wrong choices. but you know what? sometimes i welcome the wrong. because, it makes you a well-rounded person. how can you have an opinion on anything... anything at all without experiencing some sort of hardship, turmoil... frustrations... in your life? i wouldn't want constant happiness. good thing, since, we all know how my happiness radiates through these entries.

and even with all the so called wrong choices i may have made in my life... my real friends, they will be there. always. nothing could turn them away from me. well, almost nothing. but, for my sanity's sake, we'll say nothing. because, if i begin to think of reasons for them to shut their doors to me, i pretty much would have major panic attacks and feel entirely out of control of everything. yeahh.... i pretty much dont want to have that feeling. so, we'll stick with my reals will always be real. always be mine. always be.

i may never find the answer. i may never find the cure. but i will always be here.