i am.

the impossible is possible tonight

i am happy. :)

don't blink.

i can't promise how long it will last.

soothe me

one day you will blossom one day, one day when you're ready


i'm never going to grow up.

i just decided this.

instead of worrying about all the grown up things, responsibilities and the commitment that goes along with being :: gasp :: an adult, i am just not going to do it. done.

hello peter pan, i'll be your wendy.

so what if i'm not ready to accept these so called grown up responsibilities? is that a crime? i'm 24 years old! i have the rest of my life to be an adult. who determines what age you suddenly have to transform from a adolescent to an adult with an adult-like life?

does. not. want.

so what if i am frustrating? if i make things difficult? it's not i set out to do these things. that, it is on my agenda to intentionally cause hurt or sadness. what about me? can't i be selfish? don't i deserve to be vocal about my own life and what i want?

can i just be perfect in my imperfections?

teeter totter

when you're feeling sad and blue you should know that you are the sun and the moon to me


today has been a shitty day. well, not entirely. but, a lot of it. i feel so swallowed by everything right now! my emotions are torn, and i just need to b.a.l.a.n.c.e. everything.

how do i let myself go on these emotional rollercoasters? I hate rollercoasters in the literal sense. and i can't seem to get off this ride. it's an endless amusement park trip gone bad. honestly.

i feel like i learn more and more each day that i honestly cannot control my reactions to certain situations. and it seems like i ALWAYS have the wrong reactions. like, when i should be extremely happy, i panic. when i should be sad. or wishing for happiness... i rather wallow in the sadness or, whatever feeling it is that i am feeling.

why does it seem that everything good in my life has to be altered on one way or another? i feel so secure about certain relationships i have, friendships... levels of these friendships... and within a blink of an eye, its like, holy wow. what happened? did i imagine EVERYTHING that happened between us? how can something so REAL so.... routine and desirable so comfortable on both ends... just disappear?

balance. no extremes. focus. relax. accept. understand... i dont have to have my feet up off the ground all the time, in limbo, waiting for someone to sit on the other side of my teeter totter to balance it for me. with the effort, i can find myself on solid ground.

somehow.

sometimes... i play pretend

Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it


sometimes my mind... amazes me. the way it works, making me feeling certain things, say certain things, react certain ways... sometimes i hate how i can think so much and dwell on something for so long... and create these facades that exist. i like to pretend... and sort of create my own life inside my head. its like a constant game of make believe. seriously... sometimes i feel like i should go back to being a lil kid again. i think i play the dreamer/child role... better than this adult life i am suppose to be living.


sometimes.... i feel like i'm in limbo. like, i don't really belong... anywhere. it's strange... a sudden flash of confusion, out of nowhere. like, "what exactly am i doing right now... and why?" it's so hard to explain, it's almost like a mini crisis. but instead of... assessing it, i will push it away. push it back. until it comes to haunt me again. when i least expect it.


sometimes... i think i take things for granted. i really do have a reason to be... satisfied. to be... dare i say... happy? or at least, appreciate certain aspects of my life. lately... i've realized how much i depend on my friends. those whom i love. i didn't realize hearing their voices, seeing their faces... feeling their love and reassurance... could comfort me as much as it does. i never realized how much i NEEDED it. I've also realized that i can be that same person for my friends. that the security they give me, the... everything. that i can be the same to them. knowing i am needed? wanted? missed? makes me feel... worth it.

sometimes... having my kitteh greet me at the door when i come home and eagerly await me to settle on the couch with my computer so she can curl up and purr next to me... sometimes, that's enough to make me stop pretending and smile about reality.

mew :)

D.a.N.c.E.

you look like you're havin' fun open up your lovin' arms..... watch out, here i come

i'm in a sexy mood tonight. as in, i want to like, go out and dance and be crazy. too bad it will only happen in my head. because i'm too lame and lazy to make it happen for real. BUT.... still. it's fun to dance around my apartment with my kitteh. :D is that lame? hmm...

my neighbors may hate me tonight. that's all i got to say.

the listener.

the sun is always going to rise up you need to get up, gotta keep your head up

so, you can really learn a lot by keeping your mouth shut. and keeping your ears open. but here's the thing. when do you know when it is your responsibility to let things be heard? i always wonder if things are always better left unsaid. especially when they can't change anything. when... there is nothing good that could come of it. besides uncontrollable feelings that are reactions to the new found knowledge you learn.

:: i interrupt this post with a random/important tangent...::i love music. have i mentioned that? yeah. pretty much. i would give anything to be able to come up with the brilliant lyrics and have a voice to accompany it. hrpmh. seriously. if i could ever have one talent... it would pretty much be that. honestly. why do i have to be so ordinary.

so, backtracking. i am going to take this moment to... :: gasp :: label myself. as a listener. throughout my life i ALWAYS have been this. though it may have been less obvious when i was in elementary school and my group of four friends, including myself, picked sides every week on who was the "cool" one and who wasn't. and i would be the floater, the one who skipped from one group of friends to the other, listening to what was being said about the odd one out that week, most times to repeat exactly what i heard from the "popular" group that week. basically, well, because i didn't know any better. and, because it gave me, the floater, the permanent odd one, a chance to feel important. rather than just an afterthought.

moving on to jr. high... i got a little smarter. but, still liked to, shall we say... stir the pot a little bit. i contribute this to the fact that i was never really valued much by my friends growing up? i never had a constant. never anyone who... was always by my side. who always chose me. who always thought about me first. who always called me first when something happy or sad happened. i was.... the afterthought. so, anytime i had this opportunity to stir things up... i pretty much took advantage of it.

hello high school. where it all went down from there. down down down.... so far down i didnt think anything could bring me back up again. once my final "best friend" decided to... literally throw our friendship in my face, by destroying me... in more ways than once... i didn't think it was worth it. no more afterthought.

well, obviously, im still here, writing this. so, i survived. and throughout it all... i learned. i learned how to be me. so, i guess, despite the shitty ass life i may have had growing up, it helped me to be who i am now. who i am glad to be. because, the people in my life now, i would give anything for. because i understand what it is like to not have those important people. now that i have them... im never letting go.

so. i will continue to move forward. with all the changes that i am going through, with everything... that goes along with them... tears, laughs, hugs, emotional breakdowns... i will always be me. and i will know that i don't have to feel alone. that i am in the forefront of many people in my life. that my afterthought days are over. that i am the first. the best. the only. to some special, amazing people. i will look back on everything and be satisfied that even through the worst of it all... then... and now... i somehow, someway, kept my head up. and made it through. each and every... tear i shed, relationship that hurt me. friendship loss... helped me to be me today. cherishing the real thing now. listening. supporting. being.

i just want to feel alive... today. and today, today i do.

hidden

it seems to me it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable


ugh. i hate this. i hate that i have nothing to say without sounding completely repetitive. honestly, like, i dont even know where to go with this blog post, except that i feel that i need to be writing. even if it is just utter nonsense.

i
hate
feeling.
this.
way.

period.


i hate that i don't know the solutions. that i feel so unsettled all the time. that i just dont want to do this anymore. any of it. ugh.

i just want to hide. where no one can find me. where i can't find myself.
i just want to feel safe. and secure. to feel happy. happ(ier)