idiocracy

we kill what we build because we own the sky

i have a really big problem with ignorant people. i like to think that i am a open person, someone with an open mind, and can allow myself to see both sides to any situation. i like to think that makes me a welcoming person. someone that anyone would feel comfortable talking to. that i am someone who will not judge you. no matter what it is you may have done or not done.

but there are some individuals that i just cannot tolerate. i wont say that their opinions don't matter, because that is the definition of an opinion, everyone has them. but the way that certain individuals blast their thoughts, feelings about politics, religion, freedom, and whatever else there is to debate, is disgusting.

to those of you who wish to spout on your racist/non-racist comments, i beg of you to think twice. because you are often times not well spoken, don't know proper English or grammar, and end up looking like a fool. and i pity you. and all of your friends who agree with the garbage that is coming out of your mouth. when you choose to make yourself heard, at least be big enough to spell check your words, and do it in an intelligent manner. I consider myself a lucky person not to have to associate with you on an every day basis.

to those of you who feel entitled to things, big or small, shame on you. because here's a little secret. you're not any better than the next person who thinks they deserve whatever it is they deserve. and thinking that you matter more, makes you a little person. Take your entitlement elsewhere. because it isn't welcome.

we have so much power as individuals that we take it to the extreme. and all of these great things that are within our reach, crumble because we feel so powerful that nothing will harm us. its time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. because this i promise you, there is a bigger picture that your own little life. try caring about someone else's feelings for a change. and understand that once and while, when you spout out shit that you think is making a grand statement, that perhaps, it's not so grand. and in the end, it makes you look like the idiot.

victorious

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Like resignation to the end, always the end

A wise person recently told me that those relationships in your life that are meant to last, will conquer the hardest trials. Distance, heartache, and need will not destroy, but triumph. and holding on to this will help you to gain confidence and strength in yourself.

Nostalgia can be counterproductive. getting lost in what used to be, and being stuck in what you wish was true, but in reality, is something of your past, can be unhealthy. You can become addicted to this feeling of wanting, yearning, and desire for the relationships that used to be. As you move forward in your life, you will come to the realization that some relationships are unhealthy for you, and your best option is to move past them. It's frustrating. hard to accept. and sometimes, you may not want to accept it. But it's part of growing up.

Reaching out and admitting you need reassurance, a little love and tenderness from those who will never leave your side is something you shouldn't be ashamed of. apologizing for needing to hear the voice of those people that will help pick you up, are words you should never mutter. Because it is they who are ready to stand up to the plate to be that strength for you when you need them for. It is they who choose to be victorious and come out to bat for you. to do, to say, to be whatever it is you need them to be at those moments. The appreciation is unspoken, knowing that they can help you be yourself. and feel confident in who you are. and who you want to be. After all, what are friends for?

self worth

I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a girl that can ever be defined

what are your feelings, and emotions worth to you. Is there a price tag that is steep enough to have you taking a step back and realizing, perhaps this isn't worth it. It's not in my budget to move forward with this. I'd be better off not spending my money on it. or, my efforts. courage. strength. and understanding.

i know what it's like to love someone who perhaps doesn't deserve it. but sometimes, it's all you got. yearning for any kind of attention, whether it's positive or negative is what the day becomes about. anything other than the monotonous thing called life. Whatever you have to do to stir the pot, to create some animosity, to create any sort of rift in the tide to remind yourself you care.

but then it hits. and you want to run away. which, is partially why you helped to create this situation in the first place. because you need a reason to escape. to find yourself again. because one day you wake up and you don't know where you went. and how to come back.

i want to go back. just for a moment. just for a day. for a week. i need to go back to be reminded that i can still be me, despite all the obligations that are now called life. i need a vacation from myself. to find myself again, to reassure myself that i exist somewhere in here. that the things that believe in, the people i believe in, that they believe in me too, and it's not just one sided. Because i hold on to these truths, and these facts deep down. and when i start to second guess everything that i know, i feel myself crumble, scrambling for something to hold on to. something, or someone that i used to know.

take it all

It's going to be an empty road without me right here beside you

It's back.

i couldn't ignore it forever. as much as i tried, as much as i forgot about it, and moved forward. it came back. the hollow emptiness that i have tried so hard to fill. but i know it can never be filled with anything but you.

i wish i could go back to those moments and relive them over and over again. and remember what it was like to feel like i mattered. things change. as much as i try to prevent them from doing so, reality kicks in and life moves on. you're forced to ride the current, or you'll drown. but once and a while you feel yourself treading water, standing still, and yearning to go backwards and make everything go away, but those moments.

where have you gone? where have we gone? i want to go back to the way things used to be. for you. for me. for us. i am so lost with where to go from here. the circle of life tells me one thing, my mind tells me another. will i always struggle with this conflict of what i think i want, and what im getting.

you choose the path you take. you do. and i know i won't always be your priority. i don't have the luxury of that, as much as i would relish it. but you're taking it all away. everything we had, when we only had each other. the overall situation, wasn't positive. but us... we were real. and established a bond that no one can break. no one, but ourselves.

you are taking it all away. and when you wake up out of your cookie cutter life, you will find out i'm no longer standing next to you. and you too will feel empty. and realize it was you who took it all away. you'll panic. feel that rush of sadness. and reach out. the difference is, when you cry for help... and i'll be running back to catch you.

true colors

accept no one's definition of your life. define yourself.

it's amazing what you learn from taking a step back and looking at the big picture from a distance, whether than up close and personal. sometimes, as hard as it may seem, you need to remove yourself from the current situation and focus on you. and your needs. and where you fit in.

especially when things that you have been scared of accepting, and pushing to the back of your mind every time they show any hint of appearing, suddenly become your reality.

reality is a scary thing. especially when you know it's going to be changing for the long haul. no matter how hard you try to stop it from happening, eventually time takes over and that moment you have been forcing to the back of your mind is directly in your hands.

and you are scared shitless.

what happens now... what happens to my life, to everything that i have, everything i want to have. suddenly, im totally spiraling out of control because i realize i never had any control to begin with.

in that moment... that's the moment your true colors show. but only to those people you trust utterly and completely with everything you have. it's those moments when you need them in your life more than ever. It's those moments where they need to be able to read your mind and know that they need to play the best friend card, because, they are on call.

I want to define myself as one of those people. one of those people that can be depended on during these life changing moments. or, any conflicting upsetting, depressing, or happy moment in my friends lives. i want to define myself as being that person who is the first person on my friend's mind when something of this nature happens, and they need me. whether it's for moral support. whether it's for advice. or most importantly, whether it's because it's ME they need.

I hope that somewhere out there, people think about me the way that i think about them. I know my definition is strong and true of what a friend is. and my true colors will outshine all the time when it comes to being there for the people i care about.

simplicity harmony

it isn't ever enough to cure the loneliest hearts

being happy and committed to your life and the path you are on should be a simple desire. so many people have a destination, a goal to what they want out of their life and will do whatever it is they can to get there.

my questions is this. what happens when you get there? you work your ass off, you do everything in your power for a simple feeling of satisfaction. when you reach your goal. when you reach your... destiny... then what?

i visualize a cliff that you've finally crawled to the top of. your moment of glory as you stand above all the challenges that you needed to face until you got there. you bask in the accomplishment that Yes. I. Have. Done It.

but then, reality hits. and the only way down is the opposite side of the mountain. the freefall. the emptiness of realizing that your moment of success is just that. a moment. there's no lifelong recognition. no constant gratification. so then what?

learning the hard way to appreciate those moments and the simplicity that goes along with them is a bittersweet feeling. especially when you have to be pulled out of your daydream of trying to imagine and feel the feelings of happiness and completion. you try so hard to relive it over and over again, except, you realize that it's impossible. that no matter how hard you try, the moment becomes a memory.

the realization of everything that you do, every ounce of energy you put forth to what you hope is worth something, anything, in the end--is only a facade and only a dream you have wished so hard to be true... comes crashing down and you realize that it will never be enough. the harmony the completion the fact that you would in a heartbeat give anything and everything... is wiped away when things that you have tried so hard to steer clear from comes crashing back into place. its out of your control at this point. it was never in your control to begin with.

the loneliness then settles in. right where you remember it being. the scar that you had forgotten about is ripped open and you have to force yourself to concentrate on something else, before it engulfs your thoughts entirely. your heart breaks, for no particular reason other than the once again confirmation that you will never be enough.

with all the feelings of remorse and acceptance, you must take a leap of faith. you must hold on tight. so you can have the strength to climb the mountain, yet again. and focus on what's right in front of you. and accepting that you may never feel the constant contentment that everyone talks about. but when you get the luxuries of experiencing a moment worth remembering, you live in it for as long as you can.

undisclosed desires

love would heal if we stayed true to the dreams of our youth


sometimes i think about writing a letter to everyone of my close friends and families for if something ever happened to me, they would really know how i feel. have you ever felt like words can never truly express how you feel and there's no way to convey the thoughts, emotions, and constant reminders of how much you care about someone?

there would be surprises. secrets unrevealed, even to myself. dreams that evolved when i was in high school, and pushed back to be ignored would be pouring out as i accepted the fact that they have not changed in 10 years. we grow. our lives continue. but no matter how often we get caught in that whirlwind of life as we know it, there are moments of clarity. that you know exactly what you want. and know exactly what you have to do to get there. but, as life picks up again, and you are swept away by your current reality, you forget your dreams all over again. until you open your eyes and it all comes flooding back.

it's my life. and it will always be mine. no one can take that away from me. my dreams can be mine and mine alone. who are you to judge them and me for having them.