this relentless restlessness liberates me
lately i have feeling this really weird feeling of anxiety. randomly. about certain situations. it's like i have lost the ability to control my emotions about certain things. like, i have been so close to just.... stopping everything i am doing and sit in the middle of the floor, put my head in my hands and just say "NO"
i just want to give up sometimes. just stop. like, push pause. on so many things because... well, i dont even know why. there is no legitimate reason as to why i feel so restless about things right now. i wish i could understand.
possibly, its the continued trek down the inevitable change in my entire life that i can't seem to grasp hold of.
maybe, it's the cool weather. the season that makes me... oh-so-happy.
or it could be both. among many other factors. i dont know. all i know is it's stronger than it has every been before. i feel like i am developing a temper.... only, it hasn't surfaced yet. but when it does.... watch out. i will feel bad for anyone in its path. because honestly. this unsettling frustration is getting a little... ridiculous. i hate how it just creeps up on me out of nowhere. i can't even prepare for it. for the instantaneous hollow feel of dread. UGH.
i just want control.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
"You deserve to need me, not to have me."
i'm pretty sure if i were smart, i would have come up with these quotes/sayings myself. but, alas, i'm not, nor am i original. so, i will post them, giving props to my man auggie. because, he pretty much rocks my world. WORK it, boy.
<3s.
Augusten Burroughs
"...I don't think it's any more deceptive than wearing four-inch come-fuck-me pumps when one has no intention of ever fucking anybody."--Possible Side Effects
"Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face." --Magical Thinking
"I told myself, 'All I want is a normal life'. But was that true? I wasn't so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. 'Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal', I told myself."--Running With Scissors
"It’s a wonder I’m even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself. But there’s something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes."--Running With Scissors
"...handsome people are always interesting to watch. But a handsome person in crisis is riveting." Dry
"Everybody in recovery smokes. If you don't like smoking, don't even bother trying to get sober. Just stay drunk." --Possible Side Effects
"I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you." --Dry
and last but not least. he echoes my sentiments. and i couldn't say it better.
"So that's what I'm here to become. And suddenly, this word fills me with a brand of sadness I haven't felt since childhood. The kind of sadness you feel at the end of summer. When the fireflies are gone, the ponds have dried up and the plants are wilted, weary from being so green."
a. burroughs.
<3s.
Augusten Burroughs
"...I don't think it's any more deceptive than wearing four-inch come-fuck-me pumps when one has no intention of ever fucking anybody."--Possible Side Effects
"Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face." --Magical Thinking
"I told myself, 'All I want is a normal life'. But was that true? I wasn't so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. 'Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal', I told myself."--Running With Scissors
"It’s a wonder I’m even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself. But there’s something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes."--Running With Scissors
"...handsome people are always interesting to watch. But a handsome person in crisis is riveting." Dry
"Everybody in recovery smokes. If you don't like smoking, don't even bother trying to get sober. Just stay drunk." --Possible Side Effects
"I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you." --Dry
and last but not least. he echoes my sentiments. and i couldn't say it better.
"So that's what I'm here to become. And suddenly, this word fills me with a brand of sadness I haven't felt since childhood. The kind of sadness you feel at the end of summer. When the fireflies are gone, the ponds have dried up and the plants are wilted, weary from being so green."
a. burroughs.
Friday, September 25, 2009
helpless
Heart-strings pulling... in me
goodbye summer. hello fall.
i despise this time of year. i hate how it is so deceivingly pretty. with the colors. the smells. autumn. is. bittersweet. because it is only a tease. where it could be my favorite season.... it fails to bring any sort of happiness. it speaks so optimistically with its vibrant colors and chilly yet peaceful temperatures. only to be slapped in the face by the first epic michigan snowfall and winter blast that will throw us into the tundra of frostbit toes and shivering mornings.
falling.
the inevitable change of season leads to the inevitable depression i fall into every year around this time. i can feel it happening. usually, it sneaks up on me and just one day, i step outside, and bam. it's like there is no going back. it's pretty... and despite what people may think, or tell me... i fall into this deep dark hole. and want to stay there until the last icicle melts and i can welcome the may flowers.
wanting.
there are so many things i want right now.
1. to live somewhere will i didnt have to experience this recycled emotion every year at this time. however, i know it will never change. not the location. the feeling. not in this lifetime.
2. to be a physical presence in my friend's lives. i ache when i can't be there for them when they hurt. when they call me, needing me, my support, love, reassurance. my heart breaks, i want to wipe away their tears, and be there. physically. i hate that i can only do so much. i wish i could take away their sadness.
3. to be a better girl for my boy. he doesn't deserve my distance, my nonchalant reactions, my lack of enthusiasm for the things he schedules, plans, in hope for me to be happy. he deserves better than me. than who i am for him. i wish i could be everything he deserves.
tomorrow. tomorrow starts a new story.
goodbye summer. hello fall.
i despise this time of year. i hate how it is so deceivingly pretty. with the colors. the smells. autumn. is. bittersweet. because it is only a tease. where it could be my favorite season.... it fails to bring any sort of happiness. it speaks so optimistically with its vibrant colors and chilly yet peaceful temperatures. only to be slapped in the face by the first epic michigan snowfall and winter blast that will throw us into the tundra of frostbit toes and shivering mornings.
falling.
the inevitable change of season leads to the inevitable depression i fall into every year around this time. i can feel it happening. usually, it sneaks up on me and just one day, i step outside, and bam. it's like there is no going back. it's pretty... and despite what people may think, or tell me... i fall into this deep dark hole. and want to stay there until the last icicle melts and i can welcome the may flowers.
wanting.
there are so many things i want right now.
1. to live somewhere will i didnt have to experience this recycled emotion every year at this time. however, i know it will never change. not the location. the feeling. not in this lifetime.
2. to be a physical presence in my friend's lives. i ache when i can't be there for them when they hurt. when they call me, needing me, my support, love, reassurance. my heart breaks, i want to wipe away their tears, and be there. physically. i hate that i can only do so much. i wish i could take away their sadness.
3. to be a better girl for my boy. he doesn't deserve my distance, my nonchalant reactions, my lack of enthusiasm for the things he schedules, plans, in hope for me to be happy. he deserves better than me. than who i am for him. i wish i could be everything he deserves.
tomorrow. tomorrow starts a new story.
Monday, September 21, 2009
long distance sadness
Don't blame me, don't maim me, I can't help what I am
i miss my friends. i hate that they are so far away. i hate not being able to be there for them. or have them be here for me. i feel so close yet so far away.
i have had to experience long distance relationships on one level or another for wayyyy too long. the saddest part.... is that it is inevitable.
in a perfect world.....
i miss my friends. i hate that they are so far away. i hate not being able to be there for them. or have them be here for me. i feel so close yet so far away.
i have had to experience long distance relationships on one level or another for wayyyy too long. the saddest part.... is that it is inevitable.
in a perfect world.....
Sunday, September 20, 2009
unraveled
what are feelings without emotions
words are only words. depending on who they come from, they can make you feel like you are on top of the world, or the bottom. they can make you smile, make you cry. they can lift up your heart, or break it.
but how is it that the lack of them can hurt more than anything in the world? the yearning for a simple "i miss you" or, a "im thinking about you" when you need it most. when you think you are confident, and happy, the lack of reassurance and feeling... makes you unravel slowly into someone you don't even know. i just dont understand how people who are the love of someone's life... can disregard the privilege they have in saying a simple "i love you." can they not see that it make's their significant other's day? why would you throw that power out the window? it's something i will never understand.
so. to all the people i love and cherish. you know who you are. you make my world complete. and i love you all. so so much. and im sorry if i don't tell you enough. because its true. i say this with feeling. and emotion.
words are only words. depending on who they come from, they can make you feel like you are on top of the world, or the bottom. they can make you smile, make you cry. they can lift up your heart, or break it.
but how is it that the lack of them can hurt more than anything in the world? the yearning for a simple "i miss you" or, a "im thinking about you" when you need it most. when you think you are confident, and happy, the lack of reassurance and feeling... makes you unravel slowly into someone you don't even know. i just dont understand how people who are the love of someone's life... can disregard the privilege they have in saying a simple "i love you." can they not see that it make's their significant other's day? why would you throw that power out the window? it's something i will never understand.
so. to all the people i love and cherish. you know who you are. you make my world complete. and i love you all. so so much. and im sorry if i don't tell you enough. because its true. i say this with feeling. and emotion.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Meteor Shower
i can finally see that you're right there beside me
i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go i desperately need you
i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go desperately i need You
Owl City.
that's all.
i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go i desperately need you
i am not my own, for i have been made new
please don't let me go desperately i need You
Owl City.
that's all.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
mood swings
i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart.
it never fails to amaze me how a single aspect of a 24 hour day can change your entire mood, disposition. good or bad. happy or sad. honestly, 24 hours may seem like forever, or a blink of an eye... depending on what you are experiencing. the feelings. thoughts. physical activities, or lack there of. it's crazy how perception varies between people, between moments, between moods.
i suppose it's the exciting part of life. not knowing what to expect. always standing on thin ice for one reason or another. i suppose in a twisted way, that's what keeps us moving forward. good or bad. happy or sad.
on the flip side, part of me despises how much that single moment, conversation, experience.... can alter the rest of your day, or, my day. i obviously take things personally. the whole saying of "feeling your heart drop" (or whatever the hell it is) it's for real. my heart can sink with a single moment. and, to go with that, i am not very good at hiding that. which is what bothers me the most i think. the ability for people to read me so easily. i guess i would rather be read, than just bottle it up inside. i have seen what that can do. but, all that being said... those same simple moments, words... can easily pick me back up again. i suppose it's a trade off. sometimes i just wish the trade off was more a little uneven. and i could enjoy some hang time... and fly in the air before falling.
it never fails to amaze me how a single aspect of a 24 hour day can change your entire mood, disposition. good or bad. happy or sad. honestly, 24 hours may seem like forever, or a blink of an eye... depending on what you are experiencing. the feelings. thoughts. physical activities, or lack there of. it's crazy how perception varies between people, between moments, between moods.
i suppose it's the exciting part of life. not knowing what to expect. always standing on thin ice for one reason or another. i suppose in a twisted way, that's what keeps us moving forward. good or bad. happy or sad.
on the flip side, part of me despises how much that single moment, conversation, experience.... can alter the rest of your day, or, my day. i obviously take things personally. the whole saying of "feeling your heart drop" (or whatever the hell it is) it's for real. my heart can sink with a single moment. and, to go with that, i am not very good at hiding that. which is what bothers me the most i think. the ability for people to read me so easily. i guess i would rather be read, than just bottle it up inside. i have seen what that can do. but, all that being said... those same simple moments, words... can easily pick me back up again. i suppose it's a trade off. sometimes i just wish the trade off was more a little uneven. and i could enjoy some hang time... and fly in the air before falling.
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