home for the holidays

did i ask you for attention, affection's what i need


so, no matter how old you get, and no matter where you go in life, i honestly believe that some things will never change. your life can be 20 million times different than it was when you were a child, but, this time of year, i honestly think that everyone returns to their former selves. in one way or another.

Christmas time is a bittersweet time for me. i've never been a huge holiday gal, i mean, yah, when i was a kid i set out cookies for santa, and, peeked my eyes open all night long hoping to find a glimpse of him checking on me whilst i was sleeping. but as i got older, the magicalness disappeared, and it just became... somewhat of a hassle. (scrooge, i know) dont get me wrong, i love buying presents for people and watching them open them. but, i sorta have a complex where i cant buy someone just one gift, there has to be at least 2. i am sorta OCD when it comes to gift giving. i will go nuts if there is only one thing in a box and it is from me.

but all that aside, it just.. seems to make me sad sometimes. which is silly, because its suppose to be a time of celebratiion and spending it with your loved ones. your friends from home come back, you go out and reminse about old times and part ways, only to see them again next year. But when you spend time with those people... and fall into your childhood routine... it's like you become that child again. an aspect of it, at least. the mouthing off to mom, the rolling of the eyes to dad, and the petty squabbles with your siblings. but, i suppose in a way, it's comforting. to know you can be that person without any sort of wall or filter. You get the attention that you may be lacking in your every day life from the people who care about you.

But sometimes, it's not enough. sometimes, over the holidays, is when you really reach out to your loved ones, for affection and understanding. and, when they fail to give you what you really need, when you feel as tho you place it blatantly in front of them... its hard not be satisfied. sometimes its hard to get back what you have lost over the years. sometimes it the holidays become the perfect time to remember the sad things, because it is a time you are suppose to be spending with people you love and care about, but for one reason or another, you can't. this is why the extra affection and caring from those people who love you now, currently, presently, in your life, is most important.

What do i want for christmas this year? to give the people i love that extra affection.

love/hate

the game we're playing is life. love is a two way dream

this weekend has let me know that i have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. let's break it down:

1. New living arrangements. im a girl who despises changes, and will pretty much do anything to avoid it. at least, anything major. but, if i can get beyond the hate, i could learn to love it. it's from, an optimists point of view, a fresh start. after all is said in done, i think we can award 1 point to love.

2. SNOW. i dont care what anyone says. i dont care how pretty it is. how christmas-y and holiday-ish it is... to me? it's a death trap. snow=slippery roads=bad drivers=rachel paranoia, anxiety leading to lots of zanax. 1 major hate point.

4. family. my family is amazing, really. my parents, i couldn't ask for any better ones. they helped me move, back and forth and stayed around as long as they could this weekend to help me transition, and get situated. clean apt. number 1, organize apartment number 2, and then drive all the way back to bay city. and, my sister and her boyfriend too. without them, i would have been one angry and stressed girl. definite lovah points.

4. Electronics. in particular, cell phones. i pretty much hate the whole concept and monopoly of the wireless service because they exist to fuck you over. and it sucks, because i am a sucker for the technology. for communication. i want to be in the 21st century with the newest devices, well, just because i like it. dont judge! that being said, i guess i just have to deal with the endless amount of extra costs and stupid everythings. definite hate point.

5. there's one more additional love/hate relationships this weekend... but, for now, i am going to let the hate simmer and the love bloom and have that be that. for now.

The score? tied. but,im not a girl to hold grudges. and, i cannot stay mad at people... no matter how hard i want to. (in most cases) so, if i had to make a tie breaker, this gurl is a lova not a hater.

everybody loves a redhead

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of

so, i did it. i made the bold move. i dyed my hair. for the first time, in my entire life. i was nervous. but, now, it's liberating. let's hope the beloved boy shares my sentiments. i'm going to assume a big fat no on that one. but, let's hold our breath and keep our fingers crossed.

lately, i feel out of words. hence the lack of blogging, and the lack of everything. it's like, bam, all of a sudden real life happened and im forced to go with it. why why why. ugh ugh ugh.

you know what? i wish i was funny. i wish i could turn this blog that is depressing full or random repitition, into a humorous hilarious blog. like the many that exist. sigh. i wish i could have SOME sort of talent when it comes to that. rather than the talent of writing about depressing things, and just analyzing every thought that ive ever had. that's a pretty worthwhile talent if you ask me. yay!

you know what else? i wish i was confident. about everything that i do. my looks, my life, my everythings. i feel as tho this impromptu mini make-over will help. i just hope it's a lasting effect, and not temporary. maybe i'll go shopping and buy a new outfit. not that the new hair, and new coach purse wasn't enough. :p but that's besides the point. humor and confidence. two things i wish upon a star for. or, i wish for when i feel the absence of them.

but for now, i'm looking through a new set of eyes. with a new head of hair.

think before you speak

i don't know what's right and what's real anymore

is there only one right and wrong answer to every situation? can there be exceptions? how many different ways do you have to analyze something before you convince yourself that the solution you have come to may not be the "right" one, but one you can tell yourself you are okay with.

or is it the right one? because it's the one you chose? can that alone make it the right one? okay, hypocritical here with the constant analyzing. so, i'm done.

but honestly, sometimes i just need to sit back and THINK a little before i react to something. even though i think the initial reaction most times, is the REAL one, because it is the first though that comes to mind. but, in some situations, maybe that first reaction and thought process isn't the one that should be.... shared at that moment. at least, to a certain vocal extent.

basically it boils down to as much as i would like to steer clear of analyzing things, and claim that i dont, it's inevitable, i do. it's like im programmed to function that way. but it really isn't about me. indirectly, obviously, since its my blog and, obviously i write what is on my mind. it's about me and my reactions. my responses. my... action to the situations i am put it. I need to learn when to be passive, and when to be aggressive.

starting now.

pause.

Close your eyes not your mind. Let me into your soul



wowowow. i feel like i took a short detour to my life last week. tho, not my choice. 
being sick is never fun. tho, i almost think it was good for me... so i could subconsciously let my mind
forget about the things that i am going to end up giving myself an ulcer over. because i dont have as
much control as i would like to believe.

being sick for 3 days allowed me to watch all my old school favorite daytime shows, full house, ER,
saved by the bell. I sorta felt like Zack Morris when he says "time out" and everything pauses until
after he addresses the camera, or his audience and, he has the control to say "time in" again.
strangely, i am rather calm about everything that could potentially be considered chaotic or rather big
steps or changes that will be happening in two weeks. which, to most, is no big deal. but as many of
you know... most minor things are major with me. and major things are earth shattering.

not saying im dramatic. or, have a false sense of reality, really. yah, perhaps i tend to avoid reality at
times... but it doesn't mean i am not aware of it. i just... well, you know. i'm me. that's really all
there is to it. :p

basically, despite the difference i may be feeling right now about things, i've learned that i may be able
to close my eyes.. for long periods of time to escape things. and, i may take more detours, (hopefully
more desirable ones, and not bedridden ones...) but in the end, when i wake up, everything will still
be here. i cant shut off my mind, my heart, my thoughts. even if i do push them aside for a while,
whether it is on purpose, or not. and, i'm okay with that.

and, can i just say, that i <3 adam lambert and his new song? soooo sexy. (don't make fun!) :D

superhuman

come to me i'll take care of you protect you


so, in the spirit of halloween and dressing up as someone, or something you're not, i decided i would pretend to be superhuman. except, i would be myself. with super human powers. such as healing the people i care about. physically, mentally, and emotionally. andddd make it so i could be with them whenever i wanted. so there was no such thing as distance. :)

but that's what it is all about, right? pretending. escaping reality for a while? with candy and sweets as a bonus? man, i think halloween just became my favorite holiday.

but.. like every holiday, it's a one day thing. it doesnt last forever. the pretending, the laughing, and the dress up goes away and gets packed up again until next year. not to be thought about again.

i defy the rules though. my powers stay with me all year round. well, if i had them. and, in reality, the desire to have them and be always be there. and always be true. im babbling and not making sense. but, without any metaphors or comparisons-- i want to always do whatever i can above and beyond normalcy to heal. cure. fight. for you. :)

<3s>

the follow through

chronic confrontation, psychic conversation radical compassion louder than action

i want to know when enough is enough. when do people put their foot down and actually take a stand against what they believe in. i really, do want to know. because i know i am guilty of never taking real action either. I may be confident after the fact. but the next time something happens and i claim that that is it, the end, i'm not doing it anymore.... never seems to pan out that way. because most times i am in exactly the same position as i was before the situation happened. perhaps a little smug and/or triumphant, or on the flip side, discouraged and upset about the outcome. but either way, it comes down to one thing: the resolutions.

but these resolutions... are part time. a band aide. is it really just possible to love some so much that you put yourself aside to do whatever it is you have to do to make that person happy? even if it means compromising everything that you know... that is you? how many apologies have to be made, promises have to be broken, feelings have to be hurt, and tears have to be shed before you commit to the end. the acceptance.

is it just part of a twisted comfort? that, despite the fact that you may get hurt continually, that you feel like a broken record, constantly explaining yourself. wishing for the listening to be the understanding, that you hold on to that dreaded falling of the heart. the frustrations. the angry tears.. because it is just what you feel is... so... habitual? that it's become so ingrained in your life routine, that you immune to anything other than that feeling. give yourself the confidence you deserve and take that step. follow through with your initial reactions. listen to your gut. listen to yourself. put your foot forward and do just that. move forward. the reaction

no. not, i don't think it is a comfort. it's just the motions we go through, the feelings we endure for the people we love. plain and simple.