true colors

accept no one's definition of your life. define yourself.

it's amazing what you learn from taking a step back and looking at the big picture from a distance, whether than up close and personal. sometimes, as hard as it may seem, you need to remove yourself from the current situation and focus on you. and your needs. and where you fit in.

especially when things that you have been scared of accepting, and pushing to the back of your mind every time they show any hint of appearing, suddenly become your reality.

reality is a scary thing. especially when you know it's going to be changing for the long haul. no matter how hard you try to stop it from happening, eventually time takes over and that moment you have been forcing to the back of your mind is directly in your hands.

and you are scared shitless.

what happens now... what happens to my life, to everything that i have, everything i want to have. suddenly, im totally spiraling out of control because i realize i never had any control to begin with.

in that moment... that's the moment your true colors show. but only to those people you trust utterly and completely with everything you have. it's those moments when you need them in your life more than ever. It's those moments where they need to be able to read your mind and know that they need to play the best friend card, because, they are on call.

I want to define myself as one of those people. one of those people that can be depended on during these life changing moments. or, any conflicting upsetting, depressing, or happy moment in my friends lives. i want to define myself as being that person who is the first person on my friend's mind when something of this nature happens, and they need me. whether it's for moral support. whether it's for advice. or most importantly, whether it's because it's ME they need.

I hope that somewhere out there, people think about me the way that i think about them. I know my definition is strong and true of what a friend is. and my true colors will outshine all the time when it comes to being there for the people i care about.

simplicity harmony

it isn't ever enough to cure the loneliest hearts

being happy and committed to your life and the path you are on should be a simple desire. so many people have a destination, a goal to what they want out of their life and will do whatever it is they can to get there.

my questions is this. what happens when you get there? you work your ass off, you do everything in your power for a simple feeling of satisfaction. when you reach your goal. when you reach your... destiny... then what?

i visualize a cliff that you've finally crawled to the top of. your moment of glory as you stand above all the challenges that you needed to face until you got there. you bask in the accomplishment that Yes. I. Have. Done It.

but then, reality hits. and the only way down is the opposite side of the mountain. the freefall. the emptiness of realizing that your moment of success is just that. a moment. there's no lifelong recognition. no constant gratification. so then what?

learning the hard way to appreciate those moments and the simplicity that goes along with them is a bittersweet feeling. especially when you have to be pulled out of your daydream of trying to imagine and feel the feelings of happiness and completion. you try so hard to relive it over and over again, except, you realize that it's impossible. that no matter how hard you try, the moment becomes a memory.

the realization of everything that you do, every ounce of energy you put forth to what you hope is worth something, anything, in the end--is only a facade and only a dream you have wished so hard to be true... comes crashing down and you realize that it will never be enough. the harmony the completion the fact that you would in a heartbeat give anything and everything... is wiped away when things that you have tried so hard to steer clear from comes crashing back into place. its out of your control at this point. it was never in your control to begin with.

the loneliness then settles in. right where you remember it being. the scar that you had forgotten about is ripped open and you have to force yourself to concentrate on something else, before it engulfs your thoughts entirely. your heart breaks, for no particular reason other than the once again confirmation that you will never be enough.

with all the feelings of remorse and acceptance, you must take a leap of faith. you must hold on tight. so you can have the strength to climb the mountain, yet again. and focus on what's right in front of you. and accepting that you may never feel the constant contentment that everyone talks about. but when you get the luxuries of experiencing a moment worth remembering, you live in it for as long as you can.

undisclosed desires

love would heal if we stayed true to the dreams of our youth


sometimes i think about writing a letter to everyone of my close friends and families for if something ever happened to me, they would really know how i feel. have you ever felt like words can never truly express how you feel and there's no way to convey the thoughts, emotions, and constant reminders of how much you care about someone?

there would be surprises. secrets unrevealed, even to myself. dreams that evolved when i was in high school, and pushed back to be ignored would be pouring out as i accepted the fact that they have not changed in 10 years. we grow. our lives continue. but no matter how often we get caught in that whirlwind of life as we know it, there are moments of clarity. that you know exactly what you want. and know exactly what you have to do to get there. but, as life picks up again, and you are swept away by your current reality, you forget your dreams all over again. until you open your eyes and it all comes flooding back.

it's my life. and it will always be mine. no one can take that away from me. my dreams can be mine and mine alone. who are you to judge them and me for having them.

secrets and promises

As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late

summer makes me whimsical. it makes me want to wear cute skirts and daydream in a field of wildflowers. it makes me revisit my... rachelisms. the little things only certain people see. who REALLY see. the things where only i'm allowed to do them and get away with them. without seeming ridiculous.

sometimes secrets and promises never meant as much as they do when they're with that special someone. it's like you forget the realities and are naive to everything. deep down, you know better. but in those moments, you've found the in between.

there are no mistakes. sure, in the past things may have seemed that way. im not one to believe in fate, and bet on things in that sense. but looking at the big picture... it just seems like there was some sort of gravitational pull for the way things have intertwined.

sometimes, you feel like you're falling off the path of comfort and turn back to insecurities. i hope you miss me like i miss you. i hold on to things you have said to me in the past. things you probably don't even remember saying. but it's those moments that we connect on that level, that make everything ok again. no matter what, there's that connection. these unspoken words and securities from me to you are what gets me by during the hard times. even you you'll never understand, or be where i am in this. i like to think you are.

so when i skip around the vacant fields with colorful wildflowers, that's what i will be daydreaming about.

conflicted

Count on us all to follow our own swords tonight

Have you ever REALLY wanted to do something (or not do something) but know the consequences may be not worth taking action? How do you determine what route will lead you with the less regret? Brush the angel off your shoulder and follow the devil's lead. He is more of a badass anyway.

Where does it get you? honestly, doing what's RIGHT verses what you WANT? the gratification that you can make other people happy? Does it really matter if you yourself isn't happy? But what if your guilt drives you mad, and in the end, you aren't happy no matter what you choose?

Who determines what is right anyway? What if my right is your wrong? who chooses what is considered more important...?

I don't owe you anything. so why do i let the constant angel of reason into my head when i want to live my life and not sacrifice what i want for you... when you've done absolutely nothing in my favor. you mean nothing to me, and have proven that more than once.

but you do mean something to someone i care about. How selfish do i have to be to prove a point to myself and by doing so, hurting one of the people i love most.

Who wins this never ending battle of priorities and desires. Tonight... I will win. you need to surrender your ways, because I'm determined not to let you get the best of me. My courage will lead me victorious tonight. So i can fight another battle tomorrow.

our war

It's like we learned our lesson. But conveniently forgot the rules

Sometimes there are people in your life that will make an impact on you when you least expect it. that person that has always had a place in your heart that you don't really know how to put your finger on what it is they do to you. it's that something that you're fine without, until you remember it again. then, it comes back at full force constantly on your mind. but it's difficult, because you don't even know what it is you're looking for.

You danced around the truth since day one, it's one of those things that will always be there... one of those things you wont understand because you never had the courage to explore what it meant. whatever it is. sometimes, you underestimate each other, and get caught off guard as to how much you care, and how much more you want from that person.

the war we continue to go through can't be compared to the one you have faced first hand. but you will continue to fight your own war in your own way. a way most likely no one will never understand. it's probably more complex than what it is. but it's those moments where you face surprise that makes you take a step back and wonder how much goes on in your mind about the past.

there are no rules. there never have been. if there were, maybe this would make sense and there would be less sidestepping and more communication.

the catalyst

We're a broken people living under loaded gun

it's a powerful feeling. when you feel that feeling you know exists, but comes and goes when you least expect it. the chemistry. the reaction. the outcome. the best part: knowing the outcome will only effect your every day life for the better.

it's a powerful feeling... knowing you can make things happen... just by being you. not only is it a powerful thing... but a comforting thing. a sense of reassurance comes over you that makes you burst at the seams. all your insecurities disappear. even if it's for that moment. you can feel like the prettiest, the best, and the most important person in someone's life.

it's a powerful feeling... knowing you are modifying the rate of the every day life of an individual, even if it's just for a moment. and increased reaction because of unspoken chemistry is confirmed and the reassurance starts all over again.

we may all be broken. but have the courage to attempt to fix someone. when you get a glimpse of succeeding in that... it's then you realize when you attempt to fix someone else, you end up fixing yourself.