jealousy.

You're my head, You're my heart. You can't choose what stays and what fades away. And I'd do anything to make you stay

Jealousy is quite possibly one of the worst emotions one can experience. the power in which it engulfs you when you least expect it. the uncertainties of when it will go away. and the point blank reality that whatever it is that is causing you to feel this way is 99.9 percent of the time, is ultimately out of your control.

sometimes just a song, a name, a picture... will spark this lovely emotion and you just want to throw down your fists and throw a tantrum because you feel helpless to do anything else to make the feeling go away. the unintentional spite of those who are causing you jealousy spreads like fire when you suddenly feel heat and hatred towards these individuals and/or experiences.... and most often, they have no idea, or do not deserve your despise. 

the worst is when you have absolutely no right to be jealous over anything of the sort about whatever it is that you are jealous about. perhaps thats what create the jealousy to begin with. because you know you dont have the right. not that anyone ever has a "right" to be jealous. but sometimes, it can be argued to be justified. those situations where it's not. and you still are haunted by the unflattering emotion creates turmoil and misunderstanding for yourself and the people around you who are directly, or indirectly, affected by this parasite of an emotion.

its quite fascinating, really. to experience the pull of jealousy for the first time. a true lack of control emotion that slams against you over and over again like a switch that you aren't powering on and off, but someone else, something else, is, without even realizing what its doing to you.

keep fighting. don't let it win.

(perfectly) flawed

"When you lose track of time, that’s how you know that you’ve just been living inside it"

Removing yourself from your current life isn't always as glamorous as you may think. Living inside your dreamworlds may sound fantastic--escape the every day mundane tasks that are thrown your way. make your own choices, do what you want, where nothing else matters.

it gets difficult when you realize  you've lost sight of reality and desire. when you get so close to losing all rational thoughts and doing things without thinking of the consequences.  the struggle of finding your individuality and learning to love yourself and your current life is flawed when you see something that you are longing to experience. but cannot. why? because... i dont know if i have the answer to that.

The reason vacation goes so fast is because you're enjoying yourself. you lose sight of everything in your reality and disappear. the problem is, vacation is temporary. But, who says it has to be. Why can't your entire life be a vacation? Why can't you have the excitement, the giddiness, the happiness that you have during vacation, all the time?

without being literal, of course... this should be allowed. it should be... the truth. it should be the ideal for everyone. you shouldn;t have to look forward to something, someone, other than where you're currently at right now, in order to feel happiness. Why does it always have to be something that is temporary? happiness doesn't have to be a reward. 

i want to lose track of time wrapped up in the moment. i want my moment to last a life time. 

Passenger

There's nothing I can really say I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more. Got to be true to myself

Do you ever feel like you're just along for the ride... in your own life? someone else is in the driver's seat and you are at their disposal... you reach a destination that puts a smile on your face and you want to stay there forever... but eventually the driver puts on the brakes and drags you into the car and takes you back home. you just have to put on your seatbelt and endure the crash course back to your reality.

how do you put yourself in control, how do you take the wheel when for so long you have been satisfied by sitting in the passenger seat? you accepted going along for the ride, because there was no where else you thought you wanted to be. but now, you are fighting to steer your course into a different direction without any interruption.

Especially when the driver is someone you trust with your life. they've guided you so much as you have grown up, and they have impacted your life more than you ever thought imaginable. but it just gets to a point where you're too close, and you need to breathe.

its an ongoing struggle when there are so many different routes that you can take. you never know what one is the right one. if there is a right one. or, if you just take your leap of faith and do what you can with what route you choose.

that's the key, though. the route YOU choose. not anyone else. You only live ones. it's YOUR life, no one elses. in the end, you're the one who is living it. no one else.  you need to accelerate into the drivers seat and take control of the direction that you want to head. 

easier said than done.

truth.

do you ever feel like sometimes you missed out being who you were supposed to be because you were too busy being what everyone expected you to be?

Changing of the seasons

Can't help myself but count the flaws. Claw my way out through these walls. One temporary escape.

Driving the same route to work day after day, its impossible not to see the metaphoric change within the seasons. It's only July, and Fall is already creeping up with the growth of corn and other crops. it makes me itch with anticipation, knowing that all i need to do is blink, and everything has changed. Summer days are getting shorter already, and our sunlight is fading fast. Its like, all of a sudden you're living in one of the Earth movies, where the concept of birth, growth, and death happens in a matter of seconds, thanks to the new aged media technology.

Only, there is no technology that is speeding up the process of your own life. The seasons only represent the concept of time, that days, months, years, are passing, and there's nothing stopping them. They prove the point that nothing is permanent. Your sunbathing and enjoying the chaos around you, not thinking twice about what's next. because right now, summer is here. and all you care about is what is happening in that moment.

Until everything about your happy day turns on you within a blink of an eye. Suddenly, you're faced with a downpour of a storm, where mother nature is says fuck you, and laughs in your face for thinking for one second you could be happy. Despite the stubbornness of letting go and saying goodbye to summer, and hello to fall, or what have you... most people can find something to like about that moment in time. whether it's the snow. christmas, or family in the winter, or ice cream, bike rides, and sunbathing in the summer. There are things that you like... that you want... from each time of the year.

Sometimes, there are things you like, want, desire from different aspects of your life. does it make you extremely fucked up to want to live two entirely separate lives? That you can see the pros and cons of both options at your fingertips, but it's impossible to choose just one? You don't get to choose your season. You may have a favorite. but it doesnt last forever.

Maybe that's to be said about the people in your life. Your favorites make you happier than you ever thought possible. the feelings they can provoke in you, the power that they have to make them be constantly on your mind in one way or another, and all you can do is hope that maybe they are thinking about you for a second in return. and that everything you feel and want, isn't just going to waste, because all of a sudden the physical presence has been resorted to limited proximity.  But maybe... it fades for a reason. and maybe, you just need to move forward with what's right in front of you and accept the fact that society and modern day expectations are what you need to meet. The falsehood of what you feel is infuriating, but because of lifes turmoil and expectations and what have you, it's the only way you can survive is to fulfill and meet the needs of what is right in front of you. Even if you yearn to be free.

But who's to say the freedom would increase the smiles. Perhaps, the favoritism, and haunting feelings are only present because they can be. because, it's not something that can be at your fingertips all the time. because, it's just a temporary escape. and if it was a constant season... there would be no turning back. But how many times do you have to rest assured with what you have known for so long, not allowing yourself to even try to fail. Perhaps, that's the biggest failure of all.

Collisions

There is no shame in being hungry for another person. There is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.


its easy to ignore things when you don't allow yourself to be put in the position to be reminded about the things you are missing.

So then, where is the crime. living the life you are living knowing deep down you aren't completely satisfied... or accepting the life you're living, because it's the path you have chosen... and yet  continuing to put yourself in the position of being reminded that you may be missing out on things.  allowing yourself to experiences things that you should have experienced a long time ago. but are limited due to the choices you've made.

do you owe it to yourself to move forward with this life in front of you because you made the choice. you're committed. you want deep down, to make things work, even if you know that something will forever be missing.  Can you live with that.

More importantly, do you want to. what gives. In the end, what will be the victor.  Who will win. And why do you always find yourself tumbling in this direction, in one way or another. right when you feel you've put it to bed, you have come to terms with things, it reenters your life. and rocks you like lightning.

The truth collides with your reality when you least expect it. or maybe, you do expect it. and maybe you need it to hit you a few times to jolt you out of your so called reality in order to realize your reality isn't yours, but everybody elses. How do you juggle your wants and your needs... plus the longevity expectations and desires.  How do you know when to take that step into the direction of the cold, dark alley where you, very well could alter your universe forever.

How selfish will you be. How many people are you willing to hurt, are you willing to turn against you. How many judgmental individuals will surface. How many people would you lose. and is it worth it... for a simple feeling?

Ultimatums

Coercing or leaving
Shutting down and punishing
Running from rooms, defending
Withholding, justifying


Do you ever just wake up and suddenly feel like you have opened your eyes for the first time. whether it's because of a feeling, and experience, or something unexplainable? Like one of those claritan commericals where suddenly you can see clearly now when the life you thought you were seeing was only a facade? yeah. that.

Sometimes, you gain a bit of courage that you always knew you had, but was never able to expose. You may not know where it comes from, or, perhaps, it's exactly that experience that has let out your inner strength. it's a strange feeling to suddenly feel numb about a situation that you know you should have very strong feelings about. But you're so numb, so mindblown, that you make your decision based on what you truly feel. rather than analyzing what's right or wrong. or what other people would expect you do do. For that moment, you don't fucking care about any consequences.

Strangely, it's a relief. to get it out. to explain how it is. and put your foot down. and say absolutely not. that you are finished. done. and nothing is going to change your mind. The calmness is creepy, when you make your statement about how serious you are about what it is that you are deciding. and leaving the door open for that person to do what it is they choose. to make the situation right, or to make it wrong, and incidently change the life as they know it forever. the life as i know it.

Done defending. Done playing games. Done feeling hopeless and depressed. This is day one. this is step one. where you choose to step next could be your destiny. you choose.