hysteric

Flow sweetly hang heavy you suddenly complete me

i dont really appreciate being judged by people who aren't my friends. who only know me through a professional relationship. please keep your comments to yourself unless i ask for your advice. because i don't have to explain myself to you. and i dont like feeling guilty and being lectured by how i am feeling.

why is it when the people i do care about and i know care about me, are distracted with their own lives and choose not to see that i need their love and understanding? i shouldn't have to ask for their reassurance or love. i should be able to receive it any time, any place. but yet, i find myself begging for it... and never quite getting what i need from you.

it's times like this i wish i could tell you how much you really complete me. how lost i would be without you. and, how i wish you would respond the way i need you too. so i can feel like it isn't all for nothing. even when i may not act the way i should. or the way you want me too. it's times like this when i wish you would just answer your phone. and be able to read me. and tell me everything i need to hear.

it's all gonna break

I know that the sound of his heart is a god I can trust

what happens when the link that you think is so strong that keeps you connected to everything you know is going to break? your past, and even what you are struggling to consider your present? the solidification that you knew SO much about something. when you realize maybe you don't know as much as you think you do? when you sense it weakening. and the satisfaction you get underneath everything else isn't going to last much longer.

'm probably smarter than i let on. the things i know, the things i see the things that will always stay inside my head are most likely fascinating to many people. i can see through you.

everyone has a motive to why they do what they do. whether it is good, bad, or indifferent. it's there. somewhere. stronger at times, yes. disapears entirely? i don't think so. you want what you can't, and you can't because of fear.

i'm always going to come out on top of the games you play. because i never switch teams. the tricks are tricky, but i'm trickier. my trust is solid. and it is always his.

Repressed

Everything has been said before. There's nothing left to say anymore when it's all the same

i revisited my past yesterday. and by my past, i mean, months ago. it's crazy to think how much things can change within only a few months time. what makes me sad is that things slip through my fingers that i cannot control. and, what makes it worse, is i dont even realize it is happening. or has happened. then, it makes me sad. because i want to saviour the moments. and, a lot of times i dont realize they are worth saviouring until they are gone.

but as much as things change, somethings seem to stay the same. stagnate. why does it seem like the things that should change, are the ones that dont? and the things that do... are the things that i dont want to?

i really am falling into this. im living inside my head. more and more each day. my feelings/thoughts aren't legit. or, i feel like they aren't. i have no right to feel a certain way sometimes. and it annoys me that i do. i can only replay the thoughts and emotions so many times without sounding repetitive. so why even tallk anymore. there's no point in talking. not when it's the same story over and over again. only i can change the ending.

guess what.

i don't care anymore.

kthx.

mega dreamer. minor moments

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

in about 40 minutes, i am going to be a new person.
because it will be official, i will be the next mega millions winner.

fat chance, right? yeah. most likely. but, i like to dream that i can be.
and it is pretty sad how much a bunch of money could change my life.
but, i'm sure i'm not alone with that sentiment.

my favourite moment of the day is right before i fall asleep.
because i feel like i can control my dreams. it's like, that limbo
before you are actually are unconscious, but still awake
enough to know what is going on. and, it's different than just getting
lost in your own thoughts. because daydreaming just doesn't do justice
to the REAL dreams. but, it's like those few moments everything just
seems to be heightened. your thoughts, feelings. i just feel vulnerable.
more sensitive. more emotional. everything is more. it's those few
moments where i can make my fantasy my wants that i may never
experience, seem real. in my head i can control the reactions.
the feelings of others. they can respond the way i want them to.
the way i imagine them responding in my head.

maybe i can dream that winning all that money will buy me
what it is i am looking for.
maybe if i think hard enough, i can dream it in my
unconscious dreams, too.
or maybe, i can just go into that moment and not come back.

flashback

Step out in a crazy world but then the sun resets your mind

i normally relate nostalgia to good memories. like, past feelings, emotions, experiences that i wish back. that i could live over again.

today, my nostalgia was anything but.

it sorta happened throughout the day... bittersweet. almost wishful. until the painful reminder about how that whole situation turned out.

but it was later when it really struck me hard. when i least expected it. the... remembering of the part i try to forget. that i pretty much HAD forgotten. it came crashing down. and i pretty much hated myself. and you. for making me feel that way. even tho i know you would have no idea. you would have no idea in the first place, because i would never have shared how it made me feel then. so why would you have any idea now.

to be fair, its not really your fault, but mine. i control my reactions and how i respond to things. no one else has that control. so, i can't be that upset. it was just a flashback. to a feeling i dont really like to remember. so, i'll just hit reset. and erase that part. it's what i do best.

control me. i dare you.

don't take advantage of me because you know how much i care.

i wont let you hurt me. by needing me when you are at your lowest only to ignore me when you get back on your feet again.

yah. i hate it more than anything. it makes me feel like shit. because i hold my friends at a pretty fucking high pedestal. higher than i should probably. you of all people should know this. so maybe it is partially my fault. but when they blow me off... after needing me. depending me... and i create that relationship in my head, that need to be needed the everything. the lifeline.. it hurts. it hurts to go through the emotional rollercoaster with you. aching for you, wishing i could do anything to take your pain away, whilst knowing i do everything in my power to make it okay... wont ever be enough... and only to eventually be written off. as an afterthought. yeah. doesnt feel so hot.

im really sick of waiting around for people. im sick of being ignored. i didnt do anything to deserve this. even if you dont agree with my choices and certain decisions i make, it hurts to know you could just not think twice about me. and us. im so glad that people can get over their grudges and your everythings to try and reassure me that you still care.

thanks. glad i wasted my time.