Inside Out

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed. So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

How you ever really felt the anxiety of an emotional rollercoaster? when your stomach is in knots and you aren't really sure how to react to a situation, fix a situation, or even deal with it?

Two roads seem like perfect endings. i'm traveling down one, but want to turn around and head the other way. would it be the same if things were reversed? i'm closing so many doors, but desperately trying to keep this one open... even if it is just a crack. the more doors i close, the more i want to swing open the other and let myself fall down the steps and into that lifestyle.

how do i focus on keeping my eyes forward rather than always looking back? keeping afloat without a life preserver is not as easy as it may seem.

you really do know me inside and out. whether or not you admit it or not. to yourself, or anyone else. maybe it's better that way. maybe it's not. maybe i'll never be able to open the door to perfection.

who am i living for

See how I leave with every piece of you. Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.

lately i have learned that hesitation is the root of all evil. if everyone just went with their gut feeling, and didn't hesitate and think about the consequences, perhaps there would be a whole lot less regret in this world.

every decision comes with consequences, it's just a matter of determining which decision will have the least number of what ifs come into play. here's a secret: not one trumps the other.

so therefore you should go with your gut. if i hadn't thought twice about things, if i hadn't been so selfless and thought about everyone but myself, perhaps i would be a happier person. or, living a life that i want to lead, not one that everyone else wants me to lead. in the end, it's my life. it's YOUR life. and no one can take that away from you.

Sometimes, you get this sudden burst of energy. whether it's to make a difference, or change the course of your life. it can be scary, but exciting. i will no longer believe in hesitation. and i will take the steps i need to take in order to figure things out. there will be no more underestimating the power i have over my own decisions and my own life. from you, from me, or anyone that i come in contact with. i will live for me.

I will find happiness. I will be content with the life i have chosen. one way or another.

Point of no return

Grabbing victory out of the jaws of defeat

Pretty sure there needs to be an off button to your thought processes. at least, the negative ones. or, the ones that you know deep down are entirely trivial and ridiculous, yet, you can't help thinking them, and you can't push them away no matter how hard you try. and of course, each and every action, or lack there of, only adds fuel to the fire regarding the entire situation.

Sometimes, it's like you have ventured so far that there's no turning back. you can't just shut yourself out of a situation that you have vested so much time, energy... and emotion into.

and then there's the simple things. the little things that you pay no attention to, until they happen, and result into a genuine smile, a honest glimpse of happiness... when you least expect it. out of nowhere. it's quite amazing how i allow those glimmers of happiness sneak it. especially when it doesn't relate at all to the situation at hand.

or maybe, there isn't a situation. and you are only creating it for yourself. perhaps, your idea of a stagnate lifestyle isn't the same ideology of other people that is in your life. perhaps, they choose to move forward, at least, move somewhere, other than living in the past within the memories. often times, the memories of sadness.

taking a step back, and a step into the real world, i can do my best to look at the bright side. and whereas things may not be heading in the direction i choose, i can take what i can and consider it an accomplishment. perhaps i need to let go, and accept the moving forward concept. and accept that it will just have to be justified as the current reality. but i can still hold on to the fact that if it weren't for me, your current reality may not exist. so, perhaps the memories i do hold on to aren't always the most positive ones for you. but for me, i like knowing that in those moments, i mattered. more than anyone else. perhaps more than i ever will again. to you, or anyone else. in those moments, i didn't feel defeat. but, victorious. that i helped you move on. when you felt your walls crumbling down. i helped you set the foundation again. and because of that, i will accept that my place in your world may not be as important as it once was. because i helped you build your palace and help you make it where it is today.

gatekeeper

And you rip out all I have just to say that you've won

i'm an adult. and have the power to make my own decisions. and you or anyone else have the right to make me feel remorse, guilt, or any other negative feeling regarding my actions and my decisions.

i don't have to answer to you. nor do i have to feel bad about your accusations. i didn't realize i needed to have your approval before i decided to make choices. i didn't realize i had to run them by you first. or, even let you know what i was doing. you're not my keeper, nor do you have the right to edit my life.

your reactions are unnecessary and childish and i don't really care for them. but, because i am who i am, i do care. i care about not hurting you, and potentially doing something that upsets you. i'm torn between my emotions, as part of me is frustrated with certain scenerios, and part of me feels bad for potentially hurting your feelings. but the other part of me is angry and upset and frustrated with the battle i keep facing.

somedays i just want out. and i need to escape this neverending cycle. the exhaustion due to emotions, the fighting that we know is happening but doesn't acknowledge. i'm tired. and i don't want to do it anymore.

protect me, protecting you.

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?

sometimes i have no validity to my reactions. in fact, sometimes my immediate responses to situations/comments are so out of character that it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. it's just an instinct. the initial boiling of frustration, anxiety, or most important, jealousy. the creeps up out of nowhere.

but one thing i know for sure is when i am feeling a bit off, or there is something uncertain about something in my life that is important to me, i will react. and, there is no hiding those reactions. even if they are uncalled for, or unnecessary.

you may not be the strongest person in the world. or the tallest, or the most intimidating. but, when you are put into the situation that calls for protection, you will be surprised at how you step up to the plate without any hesitation. one my look at me and laugh at any thought of protection. but there's more to a person that needs protection than the physical aspects.

in fact, often times the things that need protected the most go overlooked. your emotions and feelings. by valuing your every day thoughts and reactions to your thoughts and life, you learn that if you could hire a body guard to ensure you don't hurt, and others don't hurt for you, perhaps your life would be a lot less painful.

so, i'm here. waiting to listen. waiting for you when you have no one else to turn to. i only ask that you are aware of yourself, and know deep down that i will put everything on the line for you. your truth, your words, i will always protect and always believe in. so by giving me that understanding, that truth, that honestly, you are only helping yourself.

milestones

the affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more

sometimes, it just hits you. and when it does, you totally don't expect it. in fact, sometimes you look forward to a situation, an outing, and when it turns out to be something you least expected... everything his the fan.

today marks a milestone, or, revelation, that i honestly was worried i would never have. well, parts of it. the oh-so-friendly feeling of loneliness i unfortunately am all too familiar with and is never easy to deal with. but i suppose i deserve it. maybe i deserve all of it. maybe, i've reached the point where i have to fully accept it. and move on.

i just don't know how. i don't know how to be okay with this, and how to fill these shoes. i wish i could make everyone happy. i wish i could make myself happy. it teases me. for seconds, minutes hours, even a day... i am happy and smiling for numerous reasons. but eventually it all comes crashing down, and the reasons that made me smile in the first place, turn out to be the reasons i frown and cry. the reasons that make me feel so lost and unsure of myself and everything that i fear is happening and has to happen, is. and that im losing myself entirely.

the taste of it lingers, the giddy feelings and thoughts are still hopeful. and yet the whole package is so close. but unreachable. . every time. the anticipation stays the same... maybe i'll get to feel that feeling sooner than let myself believe. maybe it's time i accept these milestones as the truth, and stop trying to live in the past

cliche

I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

tell me where i'm suppose to go when i get lost. who am i suppose to believe when i have no where to turn, no one to tell. no one to make things right. how do you react the hollow constant pit in your stomach that you know something will happen, and you have no control over the outcome.

"it will get better." "actions speak louder than words" "people care about you. it's not as bad as it seems. you will get through this" "It's not you, it's me"

these common phrases are used in so many situations, that one cannot decipher when there is truth behind their meaning. But what do you do when there is no other way to say exactly what you mean... other than to turn to the cliche? what if you life depended on it? how do you make a cliche' anything but?

here's my logic. one can argue. but this is what i believe. one cliche, if you will, i live my life by.

You are the owner of your own actions. you are responsible for your life and what you do with it. you get one shot. one shot at forming a relationship. and one shot at destroying it. after that one shot has been taken, it takes a hell of a lot more power and determination to try again. and get the reaction you hope for.

No matter what your situations, you are free to be who you want to be. free your mind, and get through your trials and maintain the attitude that you get one shot at this. one shot to make something of yourself. one shot to appreciate the little things in life. one shot make a bold move and do something that you've never had the courage, or guts to do. there's more to life than the shit that you may find yourself in. it's one day. one week. one month. out of a lifetime. a lifetime, that i wouldn't want to fuck with. because i'm telling you this. all cliche's aside, you'll never get anywhere if you don't try. don't give up on something, or someone before giving it that one shot.