Demons

I held your heart, a giant wand; all tell of sorrow and history begins to be blue and brown eyes.

It's unnerving when something you're entirely excited about looking forward to falls through and your first response is relief. Shocking, actually. 

I tend to realize that often times the emotion you expect to feel in high intensity situations is not always the emotion that shines through. Which, is intimidating in itself. but, what i think you need to focus on is not what is expected, but what you truly feel. and take a step back. because you can think about something, analyze something in a million different ways, but the emotions will rock you in a way that no amount of preparation can.

Then it throws you for a loop with everything else that in currently happening in your world. making you question every single emotion, every single act that you take part of, wondering if what you think is going to happen, what you expect, is truly going to be forthcoming. I suppose that's part of the beauty of life. you never know what to expect.

until the demons creep out and haunt you every thought. the nagging that you want to push deeper and deeper just keeps clawing back at you. but the hardest part is your ears are open. you're listening. waiting. but for what? what is your answer? what do you do to not only tell yourself your confident in the direction your headed, but believe it, too?

often times i lean on what i know. my comfort. my history. my loves. because they remind me that i'm me. and i'm encouraged to hold my own and stand strong. the eyes and minds and dreams of my favorite people can comfort me in a way that encompasses me, ridding myself of any anxiety. But the history can sometimes just remain that. history. how do you know when history needs to remain history, and not continue to be dug up, time and time again-- creating even more of the unwelcome demons that you try so hard to fight off?

Find your happy.

Looked in my heart but my heart was empty. Looked to the ground but the road was long
And now I've found my new salvation. It's so new, the old one's young


Hi.
my name is rachel and i am a completely different person than i was when i started writing this blog back in 2009.

Well, maybe not completely. but. in many ways. i have shed the skin of the girl i was then. or at least, am in the process.  and have embraced the girl that i want to be. the girl that was hidden in the anonymity of many of the blog posts. the cries. the struggles. the hurt. the loneliness. 

its funny. one would think living on your own and stepping out into a world and essentially being born again would be the scariest, loneliness feeling in the world. for me? it's liberating. I'd much rather be alone by myself, rather than feel alone with someone 24/7. 

as i jump start this writing venture, i'm making myself accountable. to be a better me. to not get trapped like i did throughout my whole life. to be confident. strong. and tell those whom i care about how much i care about them. let them know how much i love them. and to fuck everyone else who doesn't give a shit. 

its a major challenge for me to put myself out there in a way that i hid behind in the past. but damn it, if there's one thing i've learned is that no one is going to live your life for you. So you might as well embrace it. live it. make mistakes. own up to who you are. dont be afraid to be who you are to others. and reach out to those who care. reach out to those who you can claim as your confidant. reach out and allow yourself to depend on those who love you unconditionally. because if it weren't for those people in your corner, you may not be able to finish the fight. 

i'll be in your corner. i'll root for you, and i'll encourage you, and i'll be your biggest cheerleader. if it means you're listening to yourself. and being honest. and living the life you want to live. Be your own salvation. Find your happy. 

x

jealousy.

You're my head, You're my heart. You can't choose what stays and what fades away. And I'd do anything to make you stay

Jealousy is quite possibly one of the worst emotions one can experience. the power in which it engulfs you when you least expect it. the uncertainties of when it will go away. and the point blank reality that whatever it is that is causing you to feel this way is 99.9 percent of the time, is ultimately out of your control.

sometimes just a song, a name, a picture... will spark this lovely emotion and you just want to throw down your fists and throw a tantrum because you feel helpless to do anything else to make the feeling go away. the unintentional spite of those who are causing you jealousy spreads like fire when you suddenly feel heat and hatred towards these individuals and/or experiences.... and most often, they have no idea, or do not deserve your despise. 

the worst is when you have absolutely no right to be jealous over anything of the sort about whatever it is that you are jealous about. perhaps thats what create the jealousy to begin with. because you know you dont have the right. not that anyone ever has a "right" to be jealous. but sometimes, it can be argued to be justified. those situations where it's not. and you still are haunted by the unflattering emotion creates turmoil and misunderstanding for yourself and the people around you who are directly, or indirectly, affected by this parasite of an emotion.

its quite fascinating, really. to experience the pull of jealousy for the first time. a true lack of control emotion that slams against you over and over again like a switch that you aren't powering on and off, but someone else, something else, is, without even realizing what its doing to you.

keep fighting. don't let it win.

(perfectly) flawed

"When you lose track of time, that’s how you know that you’ve just been living inside it"

Removing yourself from your current life isn't always as glamorous as you may think. Living inside your dreamworlds may sound fantastic--escape the every day mundane tasks that are thrown your way. make your own choices, do what you want, where nothing else matters.

it gets difficult when you realize  you've lost sight of reality and desire. when you get so close to losing all rational thoughts and doing things without thinking of the consequences.  the struggle of finding your individuality and learning to love yourself and your current life is flawed when you see something that you are longing to experience. but cannot. why? because... i dont know if i have the answer to that.

The reason vacation goes so fast is because you're enjoying yourself. you lose sight of everything in your reality and disappear. the problem is, vacation is temporary. But, who says it has to be. Why can't your entire life be a vacation? Why can't you have the excitement, the giddiness, the happiness that you have during vacation, all the time?

without being literal, of course... this should be allowed. it should be... the truth. it should be the ideal for everyone. you shouldn;t have to look forward to something, someone, other than where you're currently at right now, in order to feel happiness. Why does it always have to be something that is temporary? happiness doesn't have to be a reward. 

i want to lose track of time wrapped up in the moment. i want my moment to last a life time. 

Passenger

There's nothing I can really say I can't lie no more, I can't hide no more. Got to be true to myself

Do you ever feel like you're just along for the ride... in your own life? someone else is in the driver's seat and you are at their disposal... you reach a destination that puts a smile on your face and you want to stay there forever... but eventually the driver puts on the brakes and drags you into the car and takes you back home. you just have to put on your seatbelt and endure the crash course back to your reality.

how do you put yourself in control, how do you take the wheel when for so long you have been satisfied by sitting in the passenger seat? you accepted going along for the ride, because there was no where else you thought you wanted to be. but now, you are fighting to steer your course into a different direction without any interruption.

Especially when the driver is someone you trust with your life. they've guided you so much as you have grown up, and they have impacted your life more than you ever thought imaginable. but it just gets to a point where you're too close, and you need to breathe.

its an ongoing struggle when there are so many different routes that you can take. you never know what one is the right one. if there is a right one. or, if you just take your leap of faith and do what you can with what route you choose.

that's the key, though. the route YOU choose. not anyone else. You only live ones. it's YOUR life, no one elses. in the end, you're the one who is living it. no one else.  you need to accelerate into the drivers seat and take control of the direction that you want to head. 

easier said than done.

truth.

do you ever feel like sometimes you missed out being who you were supposed to be because you were too busy being what everyone expected you to be?

Changing of the seasons

Can't help myself but count the flaws. Claw my way out through these walls. One temporary escape.

Driving the same route to work day after day, its impossible not to see the metaphoric change within the seasons. It's only July, and Fall is already creeping up with the growth of corn and other crops. it makes me itch with anticipation, knowing that all i need to do is blink, and everything has changed. Summer days are getting shorter already, and our sunlight is fading fast. Its like, all of a sudden you're living in one of the Earth movies, where the concept of birth, growth, and death happens in a matter of seconds, thanks to the new aged media technology.

Only, there is no technology that is speeding up the process of your own life. The seasons only represent the concept of time, that days, months, years, are passing, and there's nothing stopping them. They prove the point that nothing is permanent. Your sunbathing and enjoying the chaos around you, not thinking twice about what's next. because right now, summer is here. and all you care about is what is happening in that moment.

Until everything about your happy day turns on you within a blink of an eye. Suddenly, you're faced with a downpour of a storm, where mother nature is says fuck you, and laughs in your face for thinking for one second you could be happy. Despite the stubbornness of letting go and saying goodbye to summer, and hello to fall, or what have you... most people can find something to like about that moment in time. whether it's the snow. christmas, or family in the winter, or ice cream, bike rides, and sunbathing in the summer. There are things that you like... that you want... from each time of the year.

Sometimes, there are things you like, want, desire from different aspects of your life. does it make you extremely fucked up to want to live two entirely separate lives? That you can see the pros and cons of both options at your fingertips, but it's impossible to choose just one? You don't get to choose your season. You may have a favorite. but it doesnt last forever.

Maybe that's to be said about the people in your life. Your favorites make you happier than you ever thought possible. the feelings they can provoke in you, the power that they have to make them be constantly on your mind in one way or another, and all you can do is hope that maybe they are thinking about you for a second in return. and that everything you feel and want, isn't just going to waste, because all of a sudden the physical presence has been resorted to limited proximity.  But maybe... it fades for a reason. and maybe, you just need to move forward with what's right in front of you and accept the fact that society and modern day expectations are what you need to meet. The falsehood of what you feel is infuriating, but because of lifes turmoil and expectations and what have you, it's the only way you can survive is to fulfill and meet the needs of what is right in front of you. Even if you yearn to be free.

But who's to say the freedom would increase the smiles. Perhaps, the favoritism, and haunting feelings are only present because they can be. because, it's not something that can be at your fingertips all the time. because, it's just a temporary escape. and if it was a constant season... there would be no turning back. But how many times do you have to rest assured with what you have known for so long, not allowing yourself to even try to fail. Perhaps, that's the biggest failure of all.