mega dreamer. minor moments

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

in about 40 minutes, i am going to be a new person.
because it will be official, i will be the next mega millions winner.

fat chance, right? yeah. most likely. but, i like to dream that i can be.
and it is pretty sad how much a bunch of money could change my life.
but, i'm sure i'm not alone with that sentiment.

my favourite moment of the day is right before i fall asleep.
because i feel like i can control my dreams. it's like, that limbo
before you are actually are unconscious, but still awake
enough to know what is going on. and, it's different than just getting
lost in your own thoughts. because daydreaming just doesn't do justice
to the REAL dreams. but, it's like those few moments everything just
seems to be heightened. your thoughts, feelings. i just feel vulnerable.
more sensitive. more emotional. everything is more. it's those few
moments where i can make my fantasy my wants that i may never
experience, seem real. in my head i can control the reactions.
the feelings of others. they can respond the way i want them to.
the way i imagine them responding in my head.

maybe i can dream that winning all that money will buy me
what it is i am looking for.
maybe if i think hard enough, i can dream it in my
unconscious dreams, too.
or maybe, i can just go into that moment and not come back.

flashback

Step out in a crazy world but then the sun resets your mind

i normally relate nostalgia to good memories. like, past feelings, emotions, experiences that i wish back. that i could live over again.

today, my nostalgia was anything but.

it sorta happened throughout the day... bittersweet. almost wishful. until the painful reminder about how that whole situation turned out.

but it was later when it really struck me hard. when i least expected it. the... remembering of the part i try to forget. that i pretty much HAD forgotten. it came crashing down. and i pretty much hated myself. and you. for making me feel that way. even tho i know you would have no idea. you would have no idea in the first place, because i would never have shared how it made me feel then. so why would you have any idea now.

to be fair, its not really your fault, but mine. i control my reactions and how i respond to things. no one else has that control. so, i can't be that upset. it was just a flashback. to a feeling i dont really like to remember. so, i'll just hit reset. and erase that part. it's what i do best.

control me. i dare you.

don't take advantage of me because you know how much i care.

i wont let you hurt me. by needing me when you are at your lowest only to ignore me when you get back on your feet again.

yah. i hate it more than anything. it makes me feel like shit. because i hold my friends at a pretty fucking high pedestal. higher than i should probably. you of all people should know this. so maybe it is partially my fault. but when they blow me off... after needing me. depending me... and i create that relationship in my head, that need to be needed the everything. the lifeline.. it hurts. it hurts to go through the emotional rollercoaster with you. aching for you, wishing i could do anything to take your pain away, whilst knowing i do everything in my power to make it okay... wont ever be enough... and only to eventually be written off. as an afterthought. yeah. doesnt feel so hot.

im really sick of waiting around for people. im sick of being ignored. i didnt do anything to deserve this. even if you dont agree with my choices and certain decisions i make, it hurts to know you could just not think twice about me. and us. im so glad that people can get over their grudges and your everythings to try and reassure me that you still care.

thanks. glad i wasted my time.

Psuedo-Addiction

Doesn't seem like anything you're saying or doing or doing is making any sense

i'm finished trying to understand certain things and situations. it just gives me headaches and leads to me xanax.

seriously. i dont want to know. it's a whirlwind of opinions and everythings circling around inside my head. my responses are always uncertain. i shouldnt have to tip toe around these things. but, i do.

if i could learn how to do one thing, it would be to not take things personally. especially situations that don't even involve me directly, only indirectly at the discretion of someone else. It is not my place to put myself first, when in reality, it doesn't have anything to do with me.

And that's only one example.

conversations, especially through text messages or emails or instant messages--must learn not to take personally. it's often impossible to read the context of certain things, and if i cannot read their context, they obviously can't see my reaction. so, being hurt over something without even commenting about it.... won't do anyone any good. it will only lead me to the bottle. yet again, xanax, here i come.

Another thing that often erupts is the flood of anxiety. my favourite friend. ironically, despite the fact that i feel helpless, worthless, and like nothing i can do will ever calm me down, the nice thing about my anxiety is i cant eat. and find myself getting skinny. so, i suppose if there is any bright side, there you have it. but the feeling of just unknowing, panic... guh. just thinking about it makes me twitch. Better take two X for that.

Basically, i have come to the conclusion that i just dont understand the motivation behind people's drive to do certain things, to be a certain way, to hold on to things that should be let go. but, who am i to judge that? who am i to say that you aren't making sense and you are wrong? i'm not. and i wouldnt be me if i did. because tho it may not make sense to me, or anyone else for that matter, it doesnt really need to. I'm sure a lot of things in my life dont make sense to anyone but me. and i am okay with that, and dont feel the need to explain it, or myself.

in reality, i dont take xanax. or any sort of anxiety drug. but, im pretty sure if i ever did... i would become addicted. because i am addicted to my friends, my family, my love... and i would do whatever it takes to do whatever i can to better a situation for someone i love. even if it means sacrificing my own sanity.

step into my shoes

i wish there was a visible line that i could see when i know i crossing the limit. to certain situations. how far will i go to help someone, to be there for someone, to earn the trust of someone, whilst ignoring the obvious. and the ones that really matter. how can i inadvertently hurt someone i would do anything for... by trying to be there for someone else?

i hate to think i could be hindering something. putting a bump in the road to something i am so certain about. even if it isnt obvious. i need to open my eyes and see the entire picture. rather than just what is right in front of me. because there is always more to what is currently going on.

i can't be there for everyone. i can't ruin good things, things that will never compare to what matters most.

what is done, is done. i cannot blame myself for how things are now. it cannot be changed. i dont regret things. but i wish i could have stepped into your shoes and looked at it from your perspective. i may have did things a little differently.

imsorry.

explosives.

there's no one here and people every where

i went to the mall today. for the first time in a long time. i felt it was something to distract me from the nothingness going on my life. it was a madhouse. it was like the day before christmas. the parking lot was packed. it took me 20 minutes to find a parking spot. i walk in to be swarmed with people shopping, getting their make-up done at the macy's counters and in line at dressing rooms. i was surrounded by people. i had to maneuver my way around children, and families, and everyone who decided the mall was the place to be this afternoon.

i have never felt more alone in my entire life.

i'm really reaching the end of my ropes when it comes to certain situations. i just dont want to play these fucking games anymore. maybe it's me, but i feel myself getting easily irritated. and it's beginning to bother me. i shouldn't fucking care. i really shouldnt. but, sometimes, its sorta a slap in the face. even tho, i have no say in what is right and what is wrong. all i know is this:

i can have my opinions.

period.

im sick of being second guessed. im sick of second guessing myself. i feel like deserve something. ANYTHING positive in my life right now. i'm so sick of being let down, and not being picked back up again.

i just want to explode and be something new. i want to not have any regrets and do and say whatever the hell i want. i dont want to answer to anyone but myself.

:: lost :: come find me.

is it just for show
just a foolish game that you hide behind

i dont know whats going on today. i just feel entirely... lame. and i dont care. and dont feel like doing anything. and, i dont want to do anything. i dont even want to not want to do anything. if that makes sense.

normally, i miss things. people. experiences. memories. and i yearn for that feeling that i recognize and i always know where i can find it. but today... i dont even know what that feeling is. it's like my insides are hollow with no emotion to wanting, no nothing. it's almost like i could really stop caring. and that's way out of my realm. to stop caring. even if i wanted to. i dont know how to.


but i miss things. i really do. i miss when things didnt matter. i miss being young. and innocent. and niave to the real things in life. i miss my rebel days. i miss my sassy attitude. i miss major/minor details of growing up.

i hope i can shake this emptiness. this feeling of being lost. it is unsettling. and so not me. i want to dig deep. and smile. and be found.